Talking NFL

File this one under the, “you couldn’t possibly make this stuff up,” catagory.

Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press

DECATUR, Ill. — How do you spell Scott Wiese?

In a few weeks, that’d be P-e-y-t-o-n M-a-n-n-i-n-g.

Wiese, a die-hard fan of the Chicago Bears, signed a pledge in front of a crowd at a Decatur bar last Friday night that if the Bears lost Sunday’s Super Bowl, he’d change his name to that of the man who led the Indianapolis Colts to victory.

Final score: Colts 29, Bears 17.

So Tuesday, Wiese went to the Macon County Courts Facility and started the process of changing his name.

“I made the bet, and now I’ve got to keep it,” the 26-year-old Wiese said.

Wiese will have to advertise his intention in the local newspaper — the Herald & Review — for several weeks and then have a judge give him the OK to become, legally anyway, Peyton Manning.

The men have little in common, Wiese acknowledges.

Manning is 30 years old, stands 6-foot-5 and has a contract with the Colts worth more than $100 million.

Wiese is 5-11 and works at an office-supply store for somewhat less.

“I think I kind of represent all Bears fans,” he said. “Not that I’m saying they’re all idiots like me, but I represent their passion because I really care about my team, you know?”
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The lesson here? Football fans should NEVER let their buddies get drunk and sign legal petitions during the playoffs. In fact, the rest of Wiese’s crew should be forced to change their names to Joseph Addai, Tony Dungy, and Seymour Butts.

“I hate you Scott Wiese - I mean, Peyton Manning.”

How do I feel about the Pro Bowl? Let’s put it this way - the Pro Bowl is like a Taco Bell fart: it’s excessive, generally unpleasant, and we’re all better off once it’s gone.

Basically, it’s a paid vacation for the best players in the league, and a way for people in Hawaii to go see the pro’s play at half speed. Oh, and an excuse for players to wear leis and get their picture take with hula girls:

To be fair, everything that makes pro football so great (the hits, the preparation, the mental & physical exertion) are many of the reasons why the Pro Bowl stinks. None of these guys want to risk a serious injury during an end of the season exibition game.

Just ask any Patriot fan what they think of when you mention the Pro Bowl. Two words: Robert Edwards. After rushing for 1115 yards in his rookie season in 1998, Edwards was invited to play in a rookie flag beach football game in Hawaii during Pro Bowl week. He proceeded to blow out his knee, and nearly had to have his entire leg amputated. He would never play for the Patriots again. Miraculously, he would return to the NFL in 2002 with the Miami Dolphins. He now plays for the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football League, and has led the team in rushing the last 2 years. An amazing comeback, which of course makes Patriots fans wonder what might have been, had he not turned his leg into a pretzel during a completely meaningless exibition game…

So if you find yourself sitting in front of the boob tube this weekend, wondering who’s going to win the big game - the AFC or the NFC; well, you may like football a bit TOO much. True, it’s the last time you’ll see these guys play for nearly six months, but trust me - it’s not worth watching. Even your friendly NFL blogger will be out soaking up rays at the beach instead.

Well, maybe I’ll check in just to see if Peyton Manning pulls a Robert Edwards…ahhhh! OK, sorry, I’ll stop now. Really.

With the NFL season at an end, it’s time to tie up some loose ends. Like who the heck is going to coach the Cowboys next season?

According to ESPN, the final candidate for the job, Colts’ assistant head coach/QB coach Jim Caldwell, will interview with Jerry Jones tomorrow. Caldwell will be the 10th candidate to interview for head coach, among other notables such as Norv Turner, Wade Phillips, and K-Fed.

So who’s going to fill in for the Tuna? Looks like Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera might have the inside track on this one. Let’s hope for Cowboys fans sake that it’s not Norv, who has proven (on multiple occasions) that’s he’s a very good offensive coordinator. However, his head coaching record stands at 58-82-1 after 9 seasons of work with the Redskins and Raiders, with only one playoff win.

On the flip side, I’m sure Washington Redskin fans would offer to pay for Norv’s flight to Dallas, his 1st year’s rent, and all the ice cream he could eat should he take the Cowboys job….

You follow your team all season long: through the free agent signings, the draft, training camp, the regular season, the playoffs, and finally the Super Bowl. When the dust finally clears, if your team is the one left standing, you get to see one of the coolest sights in pro football: your heroes hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy for all to see.

It’s the purest moment in sports: these guys have abused their bodies and spent countless hours studying and practicing, and now they are given the award that officially means they are the best in their business.

As a quick side note, whenever I think of trophy presentations in general, I always go back to this image of Mark Messier being handed the Stanley Cup in 1994:

You can’t fake that reaction, and you certainly can’t duplicate it. In fact, Mark is so overcome with joy that he looks borderline psychotic. That’s why I always think of this image - because it says, “Holy sh$t! We just won the MF’ing Stanley Cup and I’m going to Disneyworld and we’re all getting laid tonight!” in just one picture.

So let’s see how the newly crowned World Champion Colts faired in their historic moment with the big silver football. Rankings are given in Lombardi’s (of course), with 5 being a Messier moment, and 1 being a ‘oh, well isn’t that nice - a football on a stick’ look.

First up, Bob Sanders:

For starters, I love the 2-handed presentation to the fans pose. Classic. And he follows that up nicely with the trophy kiss. Due to the angle & closeness of the shot, it looks like he may be taking a few too many ‘liberties’ with said trophy, but hey, he’s the new Ronnie Lott, so he’s allowed (I’m certainly not going to laugh in his face - I like my spleen where it is, thank you very much).

Rating: 4 Lombardi’s

Next up, Colts owner Jim Irsay:

This is either a really bad picture, or he’s completely hammered.

I wish we had the audio on this one, “aaaahhhhh, whas this, hah? Hah?? Thas right, ith tha freeekin Suphh Bwl Trrpphee. HA! Kisth my arss!!” Even better is Tony Dungy with the defensive ‘please don’t hit me with that’ pose, and Peyton with his head down and a ‘if he passes out, I can NOT laugh out loud’ look on his face.

Then again, if you spend a few hundred million on an NFL Franchise and you win the big one, I guess you’re allowed to ‘rock-out-with-your-cock-out’, so good for you, Jimmy!

Rating: 3 Lombardi’s

Here’s Colts offensive lineman Tarik Glenn:

Unfortunately in this shot, Tarik has all the enthusiasm of a guy picking up his order at the deli counter, then trying to fight his way back through an angry mob of waiting housewives.

But check out the wide-eyed Aaron Moorehead behind him! Rookies and scrubs always have the best looks when it comes to Championship trophies - it’s like they’re seeing a naked woman for the first time….

Ratings: Glenn - 2 Lombardi’s
Aaron - Fully Aroused - I mean, 4 Lombardi’s

And last but not least, the honorable Peyton Manning:

Now, the final truth of the matter is this: no longer can snotty little blog writers like myself call Peyton a choke-artist and incapable of winning the big one. He led his team to the promised land, and his spot in playoff history and Canton is now etched in stone. Period.

Having said that, he looks like a dink in these pictures.

And I beg ANY Peyton Manning fan to argue differently. Don’t tell me he can look however he wants, or that I’m still obsessed with hating him. The answers are; I’m not arguing that, and no, I’m not, respectively.

He just looks like a stuck-up, smug little jerk, doesn’t he? Well, OK, maybe not a jerk. But definitely a dork.

Rating: 1 Lombardi

“I hate the way you pose with the Super Bowl trophy, Peyton.”

The Lombardi Pose, Mark Messier, Indianapolis Colts, Super Bowl, Peyton Manning, yes I’m still pissed the Pats lost, blow me

Some general notes after the conclusion of Super Bowl XLI…

- Favorite Super Bowl commercial? For me, it was a toss-up between the Career Builder “jungle office” ads, and the K-Fed Nationwide auto ad. Give it up to the guy for embracing the whole ‘now that guy will be working at Burger King’ joke & laughing all the way to the bank.

- Official MVP? Peyton Manning. The real MVP? Joseph Addai. 19 carries, 10 receptions for 143 total yards. He was the go-to guy all game long for the Colts.

- As for Rex Grossman? Cue up the Comic Book guy from the Simpsons; “Worst Super Bowl Quarterback - Ever!”

- Colts gameplan before opening kick-off: we’re not going to play in fear of one man! Let’s kick to Devin Hester and see what happens.

- Colts gameplan after the opening kick-off: ok, screw that. Hey, Adam - keep the ball away from number 23!

- Worst Super Bowl ad: The GM Robot. Let me get this straight; just over a year after laying off over 30,000 employees, GM decides to spend over $2.5 million dollars for an ad that portrays a robot arm getting laid off and supposedly trying to kill itself? Are you serious?

- Cirque du Soleil pregame show + Prince half-time show equals (cue up Comic Book guy again) “Gayest Super Bowl Entertainment - Ever!”

Where was Janet Jackson’s right nipple when we really needed it?!

- Right now, Hunter Smith is falling asleep muttering, “I could have been the next Tony Romo! Thank you, Rex. Thank you SO much!”

- Unsung hero: Thomas Jones, who took over the Bears running game after Cedric Benson went down, and piled up over 100 yards rushing and a 7.5 yards per carry average. Gotta love that Championship calibur Colts run defense…

- The feel good story of the night, of course; Tony Dungy. He tragically lost his son a year ago, and now he’s the head coach of the World Championship Indianapolis Colts. And from all accounts, one of the greatest gentlemen in pro sports. Congrats, Tony.

And congrats to the entire Indianapolis Colt organization.

And congrats to Indianapolis Colt fans everywhere.

And…congrats to…congrats to…

(nnnnngggggghhhhhhh)

OK, fine - congrats Peyton Manning. You deserve it.

(But I still hate you!)

For starters, I’ll predict that there will be exactly nice, count ‘em 9, Budweiser and Bud Light ads during the game. OK, that’s actually a fact, according to www.CNNMoney.com. Really impressive when you think of it - not since the domination of the Ford F150 pick-up truck has a multi-billion dollar ad campaign successfully supported such a crappy product.

(For those of you keeping score at home, I’ve now ripped on gambling on the NFL, Charger fans, Peyton Manning, Bud drinkers, and Ford truck drivers. That’s means there’s 9 readers left that I’ve yet to offend. We’ll get to them in my off-season 12-part spectacular, “Why the NFL Hall of Fame is a complete waste of time.”)

…where was I? Right, who’s going to win Super Bowl XLI…

Of course, everyone & their mother is picking the Colts. ESPN, SI - I’m looking at the TV right now, and I see 4 horseshoes lining the CBS prediction screen (wait - there’s just three. The 4th one is actually the set of devil horns on Dan Marino’s head. My bad).

And really, when it comes down to it, it’s hard to pick against the Colts, isn’t it? If you look simply at who they’ve had to play to get here and the starting quarterbacks, the edge clearly goes to Indy. However, Chicago does have the 2-headed running game and special teams advantage to keep this close, if not win the game outright. I think we’re in for a good, close game.

And when you’ve got a close game, you really need to look at the QB match-up again. And…I mean…it really pains me to write this, but you have to give the edge to Peyton. Yes, he’s thrown 6 interceptions in the playoffs, and don’t rule out that infamous ‘Peyton Manning face’ making an appearance. But he’s gotten the job done - not in typical Peyton style, but with steady, ball control drives that set-up the run game and Mr. Money, Adam Vinatieri. It looks like it’s finally Peyton’s moment.

Colts 27 - Bears 24

It’s finally here, kids! The best day of the year besides Christmas - Super Bowl Sunday! Before we get to the game, some pre-game notes:

- On ESPN’s pre-game show, Mike Ditka donned his vintage 80’s style Bears sweater vest for good luck.

(As you look at this picture, remember that just over 20 years ago, people were looking at this outfit saying, “hey, that’s pretty cool.” We’ve come a long way, baby.)

- Today’s weather forecast in Miami: crappy! Showers and 10-15 mph winds, making this the first Super Bowl played in inclement weather. That’s great! If we’re lucky, we’ll get some hail, lighting and locusts as well.

- If I hear one more player say during an interview, “we just do what we do”, I’m jumping out a 10-story window. Don’t hate - I just gotta do what I do.

- The ratio between actual football playing time and commercials for the movie “Norbit” from now until the end of the game could be roughly 1 to 12. You’ve officially been warned.

- After watching the highlights from Super Bowl XL again, I have one thing to say: no matter who you’re rooting for today, let’s all hope and pray for a well officiated game. Please. For Mike Holmgren’s sake.

More to come later.

Care of ESPN: According to the Sun Herald in Biloxi, Mississippi; Brett Favre will return to Quarterback the Green Bay Packers next season.

The announcement does come as a bit of a surprise, considering Favre’s tearful interview after the season finale, a 26-7 victory over Chicago.

As I stated back in Week 16, this sets up the possible fairy tale ending, with #4 leading the Packers to the playoffs one last time. I say, good for him.

It also means, barring an injury, he’ll surpass Dan Marino’s record for career touchdown passes (Dan has 420, Brett currently has 414). To which I say - even better for him!

On Sunday evening, after the Super Bowl, one quarterback will have to answer serious questions about why they didn’t come up in the big game. Meanwhile, the other quarterback will have every right to step up to the microphone, say, “you guys can all shut the (bleep) up now,” and leave.

Who gets what role? It could be the most fascinating story line of Super Bowl Extra Large One.

Of course, we all know this bloggers stance on (cough), excuse me, (cough) one Peyton Manning. Let’s discuss the embattled Bears QB, Mr. Rex Grossman.

Last week, I was in Chicago for corporate training. My new boss, of course, is a huge Bears fan. So I asked him the following question, “how does the average Bears fan feel about Rex Grossman?”

He responded with a long sigh.

It’s a fascinating situation in Chicago. Here the Bears are on the cusp of their first championship in over 20 years, and their quarterback continues to be villified by fans and media outlets everywhere. Discussion has allready been held comparing him to the worst quarterbacks in Super Bowl history (paging Trent Dilfer - Trent Dilfer, please report to the worst Super Bowl QB’s ever debate. Thank you).

This season, Rex has had quarterback ratings ranging from 137.4 to 0.0. By comparison, Lindsay Lohan is more consistant with her visits to rehab.

So will good Rex show up on Sunday, or will bad Rex?

Perhaps we should harken back to Rex’s college days for the answer. Amy Shipley of the Washington Post talks about Rex’s triumphant play in the 2002 Orange Bowl, after missing the first quarter because he missed curfew. “Look what he did in the second, third and fourth quarters,” said Ron Zook, who coached Grossman the following season at Florida. “It was showtime. When his back is against the wall, he’s the best.”

And while he has not brought back memories of Jim McMahon during his 2 playoff performances, he has done enough to get the Bears to the big game.

If he does enough on Sunday, he can tell all his distractors what they can do with his statistics.