Talking NFL

“Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof! Woof!”

A) Michael Vick
B) Clinton Portis
C) Sheriff Harold D. Brown
D) 60,000 home fans cheering against the Falcons this fall

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Sorry, that’s just childish, and I’m above that (actually, no I’m not).

Anyways, here’s this week’s real quote:

“You hear about how many fourth quarter comebacks that a guy has and I think it means a guy screwed up in the first three quarters.”

A) Peyton Manning
B) Tom Brady
C) John Elway
D) Brett Favre

Answer after the jump.

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The Boston Globe reports that Patriots defensive end Marquise Hill died this weekend when his Jet Ski capsized, according to Brian Clark of the Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries. Hill was dead at age 24.

There are two points to this tragic story worth reviewing here:

“If he had been wearing a life jacket, this probably would have been prevented,” Clark said. “No doubt. This is one case where we could have guaranteed that a life jacket would have saved his life.”

Not to sound like a paranoid parent, but why on earth were Marquise Hill and his female companion not wearing life jackets in the midst of 2 foot swells? If the Jet Ski was owned by Hill, he simply should have known better. If they were rented, someone has some explaining to do.

On the more positive side:

Albert Elias, Hill’s agent, said Hill knew how to swim and tried to save his friend from drowning after their Jet Ski overturned. “I spoke with the girl and her mother and they said he helped her stay calm,” Elias said. “He ended up saving her life, keeping her calm until she could grab onto a buoy.”

While it is little consolation to Hill’s grieving family and friends, at least they can be comforted by the fact that Marquise helped save this young woman’s life before losing his own.

Marquise Hill, New England Patriots, Boston Globe

Resident YouTube genius BradyFan83 has composed another internet triumph. This one ripping on suspended strip club enthusiast Pacman Jones to the tune of Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train“. Fanfreakingtastic!

Enjoy his stuff while it’s free. Only a matter of time before somebody hires this guy…

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday & anything original today. Sadly, this part of the offseason is similar to the way George Carlin describes old people having sex: slow & sloppy.

Back on Tuesday - enjoy the long weekend, kids!

Pacman Jones, BradyFan83, Crazy Train, You Made it Rain

Time for another off-season segment here at TalkingNFL! This one’s really straightforward; I’ll provide a quote from a famous football personality, along with four names. You guess which one said it.

I’ll provide the answer immediately after the jump (since it would only take about 3 seconds on Google to find the answer).

Here’s the first one:

“If they don’t want ‘em to get hit, why don’t they just put a dress on ‘em?”

Which famous defender once said this about quarterbacks?

A) Ray Lewis
B) Jack Lambert
C) Bruce Smith
D) Kevin Greene

Answer after the jump.

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Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick (that’s official, by the way, his first name is now ‘Embattled’) got some good news this weekend; fellow NFL star Clinton Portis came to his defense regarding those dog-fighting accusations.  The bad news?  Clinton’s line of reasoning regarding said charges:

Just to re-state for the record:

Portis: “I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it’s his property and it’s his dog. If that’s what he wants to do, do it.  You know, what people do behind closed doors…”

Channel 10 Reporter Mary Mallonee: “But that’s a felony. It’s a crime.”

Portis: “It can’t be too bad of a crime.”

Hate to break it to Mr. Portis, but every felony is kind of bad.  Perhaps one day, we’ll have more lenient criminal laws, according to “Coach Janky Spanky”:

Totally not serious felonies, dude: Dog-fighting, smoking ganja, going 5-11 with the league’s highest payroll.

Sort of bad felonies: Espionage, pulling a Pacman, anything done by a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

So not cool felonies: Mass murder, dropping a deuce and not flushing, forcing fans who don’t pay for stadium parking to walk a mile and a half.

Michael Vick, dogs, Clinton Portis, U.S. Legal System, Dan Snyder, please sell the Redskins

This weekend, Plaxico Burress hit a New Jersey nightclub and struck out like a hammered freshman at the Playboy Mansion.

This got me to thinking; what could he possibly be saying to these women that would drive them away from a wealthy professional athlete? Here’s a few guesses:

10. “Did you know Plexiglas has a higher impact strength than glass and will not shatter? That’s right. So I have no idea what Shannon Sharpe was thinking calling me that, ’cause I get busted up all the time.”

9. “I only quit on half as many plays as Randy Moss does.”

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If you’re a fan of hard liquor (who isn’t?), and a hater of scam artists (ditto), then this breaking news report is for you…

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There are many little aggravations football fans have to deal with during the course of the season while watching games on network TV.  Listening to Dan Dierdorf is one of them.  Being subjected to previews and teasers for dreadful prime time shows that you’d never watch is another.  And there have been some truly awful shows plugged by CBS, ABC and FOX throughout the years.  

Up until this year, I would always pass on the network poo-poo platter. I mean, I would rather fight a pack of Michael Vick’s killer dogs with my bare hands than watch a Joe Millionaire marathon.

But when CBS kept shoving Jericho in my face over and over again last fall, I was intrigued.  Nuclear bombs going off?  Massive chaos in the former US of A?  Fight to the death for survivors?  That dude from Simon & Simon is leading the way?  Sounds like fun!  

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I found this amazing video care of We are the Postmen.

Remember “American Gladiators”? That cheesy late 80’s/early 90’s, sports themed game show where contestants faced off against American Gladiators with catchy names like Nitro, Zap, and Turbo? Well, one of the events was a football themed game called Breakthrough, where participants needed to make it past a Gladiator and score a touchdown from 15 yards out.

Contestant Kyler Storm came up with a rather unique move…

Kyler Storm’s amazing Football Move - video powered by Metacafe

My question is this: who in the NFL today could pull off a sweet move like that? L.T.? Devin Hester? Maybe…Peyton Manning, maybe?

…maybe not.

American Gladiators, football, if I could do that, I’d always have a date

Rather than talk about Brett Farve not wanting to be traded out of Green Bay, or T.O. telling us how he learned nothing from the Tuna (hard to learn when you sleep through team meetings, Terrell), what’s say we talk about some NFL news that might actually mean something?

ESPN is reporting that the Bears kick returner/lightning rod Devin Hester will switch from defense to offense beginning with this weekend’s full-squad minicamp. The Bears say they plan to work Hester in a role similar to how the Saints utilized Reggie Bush last season.

The good news for Bears fans? This should be REALLY fun to watch. It’s a no brainer to want to put a guy on the field more who has so much speed and talent.

The bad news for Bears fans? The Bears almost had to do this. They traded RB Thomas Jones to the Jets, and didn’t pick up one new wide receiver through either free agency or the draft. They simply needed more offensive firepower. We’ll see if Devin Hester is the answer.

Chicago Bears, Devin Hester, Prime Time, offense, defense, special teams

See this?  This is the coveted championship trophy of the Fat Boys & Girls league on CBSSportsline (it’s actually a plastic Patriots football filled with Christmas lights).  While it may not look like much, I know nine people out there that are looking at it saying, “dammit, I WANT that!”  Well, knowing our league, make it eight players who are saying that, with one guy going, “wait…we have a trophy?”

Now, for those of you who don’t know what the heck Fantasy Football is, here’s a crash course care of Wikipedia.  If you’re one of the over 30 million people that all ready play (according to a 2004 Harris poll), you’re no doubt looking for any advantage over the rest of your league that you can utilize, whether you play for money, pride, or a cheap plastic trophy.

And that’s where you’re friendly neighborhood TalkingNFL correspondent comes in.  I’m here to pass on the extensive knowledge I’ve learned through seven years (and three championships…did I mention I’ve won my league three times all ready?) of playing FFL.  Why?  Because that’s what you asked for, and I’m here to give you what you want.  Why?  Because I love you.

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According to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen, Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana in April and will not be allowed to apply for reinstatement to the NFL until September.

Bet that one took you by surprise! Looks like it’s back to teaching yoga in California and playing football in Canada for Ricky. I’m sure Dolphins fans are beside themselves with grief.

That’s all I’ve got for today, kids. Tune in Monday, when your NFL Daddy will have a brand new bag off-season schedule ready to roll unveil.

NFL, Ricky Williams, weed, Ricky’s sticky icky

I woke up this morning with one question rattling around my brain; “why oh why hasn’t someone made a Jon Kitna tribute video?”

Isn’t life great when your worst nightmares wet dreams come true? Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting ‘Fuzz Head Charm’ by kitna2furrey:

WOW. As the cowardly lion said, “shucks folks, I’m speechless.”

Apparently, Manny Ramirez knows all about that Fuzz Head Charm. Maybe a bit too much…

As for the modern day Beethoven of NFL video compositions, here’s the latest from BradyFan83, who puts my favorite QB in the spotlight:

So what did we learn today kids? That the quality of an NFL fan video is in direct proportion to the quality of the player being highlighted.

And that while Manny Ramirez might be bi-curious, Red Sox announcers Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo are definitely not.

Thanks to Judge Smails at Lions-Fans.com for the Kitna video lead.
Thanks to Awful Announcing for the Manny video lead.

YouTube, NFL fan video, Jon Kitna, not ready for primetime, BradyFan83, Peyton Manning, cash for my soul, Red Sox, Manny, stop that!

The NFL and wine tasting; doesn’t exactly go together like Kibbles ‘n Bits, does it? Yet low and behold, check out Patriots DE Jarvis Green’s website. He is hosting a Wine Tasting Gala at the Johnson & Wales Inn in Seekonk, MA on June 1st, with proceeds going to victims of hurricane Katrina. Green is orginially from Thibodaux, Louisiana, and appears to have found a rather unique way to help out people from his hometown state…

Although there are others in the NFL that have dabbled with wine. Giants coach Tom Coughlin hosts an annual Wine Tasting Gala as a fund raiser for The Jay Fund. And Michael Vick has opened a restaurant called the Tasting Room in Atlanta.

(Of course, Michael might want to curtail some of his other entrepreneurial endeavors.)

NFL, Wine Tasting, I like Pinot Noir, mmmm…fruitilicious

Well, the polls have closed, and I’d like to thank everyone who stopped by and made their voices heard. After wrapping up a few loose ends on the draft & other NFL news this week, we’ll begin with the new programming on Monday (and yes, I’m waiting until then to announce which topic won…ain’t I a stinker?).

I should mention that in typical TalkingNFL fashion, I did a fantastic job…of screwing up my first online poll. Apparently I managed to put a cap on how many votes registered online. Duh. (Fortunately, this didn’t mess with the final results.) My apologies. To make sure it never happens again, I’ve gone and shot my tech support team.

So thanks again for voting! If you’d like to exercise your rights as listed under the 24th Amendment yet again, check out this link (care of The Professional Cheerleader Blog).

Thanks to ABC 13 and the Houston Texans, you can vote for who wins the final Houston Texans Cheerleader roster spot! FYI, I voted for Kristen:

After reviewing each contestant’s pictures and video, I decided on Kristen simply because I fantasized about her last night she likes to fish. Hey, any girl who can fish & dance is cool in my book…

So go support Kristen! You have until 4pm Friday to do so. Of course, you can vote for one of her opponents as well…if you think getting me angry is a good idea…

thanks for voting, Houston Texans, cheerleader vote