Talking NFL

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen the films yet.”

What question had former Cleveland Browns Head Coach Forrest Gregg just been asked?

A) “How does Jim Brown compare to other greats like Gale Sayers?”
B) “Which was better, ‘Debbie Does Dallas’ or ‘Deep Throat’?”
C) “How did your team manage 13 penalties in just one quarter, a league record?”
D) “How was your honeymoon?”

Answer after the jump.

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It just doesn’t get any better than this…

I love how each of these coaches ended up leaving their respective teams shortly thereafter. Coincidence? I think not…

As good as Ditka and Denny Green were, you just can’t beat Jim Mora with ‘diddly-poo’. Classic.

I challenge you, constant reader, to go forth today & use diddly-poo in a sentence at work or with your family.

“My presentation got off to a great start, but when I realized my fly was open it just turned into a big old pile of diddly-poo!”

Hi-five to meganoodle for posting this.

NFL Coaches, anger, tirade, take a sedative, man crush for Jim Mora

The Bad News: Next week, I will be travelling on business (for my real job) to India and England, meaning I shall only have time for a post or two during my trip. (I know, devastating news. Whatever will you do without me?)

The Really Bad News (for me, at least): The only version of football enjoyed by these two countries involves a round ball, your feet, and more bad acting than a Lindsey Lohan movie.

Will you look at that? Yet another futballer has ruptured his vagina…

(…OK, that was a bit harsh. Truth be told, I have complete respect for soccer players from a conditioning standpoint. I wouldn’t last 5 minutes out there without coughing up a lung; they do run hard for 90+ minutes with only one 15 minute break. You won’t see Ted Washington pull that off anytime soon…)

Having said that, do these guys really have to gun for a Razzie Award every time another player so much as breaks wind in their general vicinity? I haven’t seen flopping around like that since Rosie O’Donnell went bra-less (ba-dum boom!).

So if you haven’t broken any bones or severed any ligaments, kindly get up off the pitch and resume play. Much obliged, Renaldo.

[/soccer rant]

The Good News: Upon my return (and after the inevitable crushing 4th of July hangover), we shall begin the 2007 NFL season preview extravaganza, complete with division by division breakdowns and predictions (that are guaranteed to be completely wrong)! We will also shift the fantasy football tutorial into overdrive.

The Really Good News: I have prepared a cheerleader spectacular to run at some point during next week in thanks to your constant patronage, my good readers!

Have a good weekend kids.

TalkingNFL, taking a break, you’re right I’m just slacking off, alienating yet another fan base

“Playing in the NFL is 10 percent mental, 90 percent Hollywood.”

A) Joe Namath
B) Shannon Sharpe
C) Terrell Owens
D) Michael Irvin

Answer after the jump.

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The purpose of the Fantasy Football regular season is identical to that of the NFL regular season.  As Parcells used to say, it’s all about getting into the tournament.  Anything can happen in the playoffs, just make sure your team gets there.

So what’s the number one key to getting your team to the tournament?
STUDS.  A stud is a player that outscores his nearest competitor in that position by a wide margin, ensuring he’ll make a huge difference on your team during the duration of the season (i.e. he racks up points the way Justin Timberlake nails A-list actresses).

Let’s take a look back at the biggest studs of the 2006 season:

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Just when you thought hazing was a lost artform, leave it to the Washington Redskins to find a new, creative way to physically abuse their freshman teammates…

A paintball shot in the groin left rookie LaRon Landry unable to practice when the Washington Redskins opened their minicamp.

The No. 6 overall pick in the 2007 NFL Draft was injured during a team-building outing June 13, when coach Joe Gibbs allowed the players to leave early at the end of the voluntary spring workouts. Some players went bowling or had lunch together, while many of the defensive players went to play paintball.

“I didn’t know paintball was that dangerous,” linebacker Marcus Washington said. “I hope it wasn’t friendly fire.”

Interesting choice in team-building activities. What’s next - a kung fu tournament?

We may have to consult with 451press’s resident Paintball expert to see how long a nut shot like this could keep Landry off the field.

While there’s rumors going around about how this thing happened, let’s just hope Landry wasn’t dumb enough to fall for this trick:

NFL, Washington Redskins, LaRon Landry, paintball, nut shot, I’m sure that didn’t tickle

“They say two things happen when you get older. One is you begin to forget things, and I can’t remember what the other thing is.”

A) Jerry Jones
B) Al Davis
C) Joe Gibbs
D) Marv Levy

Answer after the jump.

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With the Patriots wrapping up their mini-camp, the question everyone was asking at it’s conclusion was, “how did Randy Moss look?”

Peter King of SI thinks he’s fitting in well, and talked with Safety Rodney Harrison about him:

I asked Rodney Harrison if he thought Moss was still Moss. “Are you kidding me, Peter?” he said. “Are you kidding me? He runs the same as I’ve seen him. You watch him this year. Watch any team that tries to put its best cornerback on him one-on-one. I can’t wait to see that. He will eat you alive. Ain’t no way he’s lost his legs.”

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This weekend, the always entertaining ‘Ocho Cinco’ took on the four-year old race horse Restore in a 100-meter sprint. # 85 came out victorious, although it should be noted that Restore had to run twice as far…

More importantly, the race was a charity event that raised money for coach Marvin Lewis’ foundation and Feed The Children, which helps the needy in Africa. Say what you want about Chad’s flamboyant style (and clothing), but there’s no doubt his heart is in the right place.

As a side note, apparently Carson Palmer lost some money thanks to Chad…

“Just because he’s my teammate, I’ve got to back him up. But I’ll be secretly putting money on that horse.”

When told his quarterback went with the horse, Chad responded…

“You know, it’s all good. Once it comes to the green grass, Carson knows from now on you always bet on Ocho!”

Chad Johnson, horse, race, charity, did you hear him challenge Floyd Mayweather to a charity fight? good luck with that…

Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders…Riviera Maya, Mexico…calendar shoot…see you Monday.

Muchas Gracias, el Professional Cheerleader Blog!

NFL Cheerleaders, Dallas Cowboys, swimsuit pictures, the gentleman in picture #3 is wanted for larceny, may I have his job please?

So when is a cancelled TV show not actually cancelled? When a dedicated fan based utilizes the power of the internet to bring it back from the grave!

Last month, I wrote about the cancellation of Jericho on CBS. Here’s a quick note I made about the station’s marketing strategy, and it’s consequences:

Jericho had quite the web following, since they offered a full CBS Wiki page as well as every episode online. The problem with an aggressive online marketing strategy is this: if you get a decent audience & then pull the rug out from under them, you can bet there will be a rather ugly backlash…

However, neither myself nor any of the CBS execs had any idea what the Jericho faithful would do by means of retaliation…

Through the web portal Nuts Online, Jericho fans shipped over 20 tons of assorted nuts to CBS headquarters in NYC (that’s some ’salty’ fans, right there). Why nuts? If you’re not familiar with the show or the historical reference to the one word catch phrase, here’s a clever YouTube video that explains it all quite nicely:

Whether it was because of an honest change of heart, or to simply stop the snack shipments, we’ll never know. Either way, yesterday CBS pulled a ‘mea culpa’, and ordered seven more episodes of the drama to air in ‘08. Here’s a portion of the letter from CBS Entertainment President, Nina Tassler:

Over the past few weeks you have put forth an impressive and probably unprecedented display of passion in support of a prime time television series. You got our attention; your emails and collective voice have been heard.

As a result, CBS has ordered seven episodes of “Jericho�? for mid-season next year.

On behalf of everyone at CBS, thank you for expressing your support of “Jericho�? in such an extraordinary manner. Your protest was creative, sustained and very thoughtful and respectful in tone. You made a difference.

P.S. Please stop sending us nuts

So a heartfelt thanks to CBS; it’s great to see a network realize that they may have made a mistake, and give a show with a strong and passionate fan base a second chance.

Speaking of which, power to the people! Seriously, how cool was that online mobilization? Just think of the other things we can do together, fellow web minions…get Lindsay Lohan to stay in rehab; persuade Matt Millen to finally step down; perhaps even elect a competent President…

America, what a country!

CBS, Jericho, resurrection, second chance, by the way Trent Green finally got traded to the Fins, la de freaking da

“Tackling him was like trying to stop a freight train going downhill.”

This was said of which legendary ball carrier?

A) Jim Thorpe
B) Bronko Nagurski
C) Jim Brown
D) Earl Campbell

Answer after the jump.

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In the red corner…

Tank Johnson

Age: 25

Waist: 42 in.

Hair Style: Formerly cornrows, now buzz cut

Favorite food: Slim Jims (LOTS of Slim Jims)

Hobby: Shooting pistols

Strengths: Treating opposing centers like accordians

Vices: Unregistered firearms, skiping town while on parole

Punishment for vices: 2 month jail term, 8 game suspension

Moment of Zen:

“I think it’s an opportunity for me to move forward. It’s not my call to say whether it’s fair or unfair. But Roger Goodell’s a fair man; I know that. He took everything into consideration that he and I talked about, and what he came up with is what he came up with it. If it’s in the best interest of the NFL, then I’m all for it, too.”

——————————————————

In the blue corner…

Frank the Tank

Age: 32

Waist: 37 in.

Hair Style: Dan Shaughnessy special

Favorite food: Frozen yogurt, funnels

Hobby: Shooting himself in the jugular with a tranquilizer gun

Strengths: Debate

Vices: Partying with freshmen, streaking

Punishment for vices: Ari’s wife filed for divorce

Moment of Zen:

“Deep down, I am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”

Advantage? Frank the Tank by the lips…

Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears, NFL, suspension, Roger Goodell, NFC Central running backs are going streaking!

After their playing days are over, most football players turn to a less violent occupation, such as game commentator, studio analyst, or AFL team owner.

Not former wide receiver Johnnie Morton.  For him, Mixed Martial Arts was too strong a calling.  So this weekend he took on Bernard Ackah in the L.A. Memorial Colosseum for his first (and quite possibly last) MMA bout.

Feel free to skip to the 3:20 mark if you just want to view the kill shot…

Now THAT is a knockout!  If you play it back in super slow-mo, you can even here the Mortal Kombat dude go “Finish Him!”

Somewhere in a bunker in Detroit, you know Matt Millen is smiling.

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough for Morton, after the fight he was promptly suspended from the sport for refusing to take the post fight drug test.  Frankly, I would have taken enough sedatives to knock out an elephant if I got hit like that, so I don’t blame him.

One last comment regarding the fans at this thing - Thundersticks?  At a MMA fight?  Man, someone needs to ban those things permanently…

Thanks to Deuce of Davenport for the link.

Johnnie Morton, MMA, NFL, Bernard Ackah, KO, lights out, thank you sir may I have another

Hey, we’ve all been there before, right?  You send out an email, then think - wait, did I hit reply or reply all?  And who hasn’t accidentally sent some questionable content to the wrong people?  I mean, how easy is it to forward an email with a X-rated video to every general manager in the NFL by mistake?  And their secretaries?  (Actually, that sounds pretty hard to pull off…)

Well, offensive line coach Larry Zierlein of the Pittsburgh Steelers did just that last week, and yesterday he issued a formal apology.  So how will he avoid this type of embarrassment in the future?

“I’ll leave that computer alone,” the Steelers coach declared.

Pfffft.  Hey Larry, quitters never win and winners never quit.  Vince Lombardi once said that (or was it Ron Jeremy)?  You get right back on that horse, partner.  Go find yourself the dirtiest Girls Gone Wild and/or Paris Hiton video you can and you TAME that son-bitch!  Enjoy it for your own demented pleasure & then delete it.  Or save it to a password protected folder.  Or forward it to your best friend.  And maybe his son.  Perhaps your mother-in-law if she’s pissing you off.  But that’s it!

(I swear I had a point to all this, but it completely escapes me right now.  Screw it, I’m going surfing…for PORN!)

Pittsburgh Steelers, Assistant Coach, Porn, good for you, dear god, when does the season start?!