Talking NFL

Nearly everyone agrees that the highlight from this past weekend’s HOF ceremony was the emotional acceptance speech given by former Cowboys wideout Michael Irvin.

Regardless of how you may feel about his off the field issues (ugh) or his announcing/commentating skills (UGH), there’s one thing you have to say about Irvin - he always brought it on the football field.

Here’s a highlight of him doing just that from the 1995 Thanksgiving Day game against the Chiefs:

(What makes it even better is Sims making the “they’ll play it safe here” call right before Aikman bombs away. Spot on as always, Phil…)

Michael Irvin, Hall of Fame, one handed catch, Dallas Cowboys

I’m oooooold!  And I’m not happy! I don’t like the way these damn kids today are ruining the game of football!  They’re a bunch of juvenile delinquents, I tell you!  We had a saying back in my day…”spare the rod, and when needed, use it to whack some sense into the child.”  Worked on me, and I turned out just fine, dadgummit!

People are getting angry with the way the Commissioner is punishing players these days.  Well good for him, says I!  They should feel lucky, them damn lallygags.  Back in my day, we didn’t have this fancy schmancy “due process”.  Phooey!  In my day, if someone thought they saw you stealing a loaf of bread, they chopped your arm off, right there on the spot!  And if it turned out to be a mistake, they didn’t even apologize for it.  They just threw your bloody severed hand back at you along with a needle and some thread.  And if you started to yell, “oh, no!  Look at me, I don’t have a hand!”, then they’d say, “what the hell’s wrong with you, crybaby?  Your mom must have wet-nursed you too long, you fairy!  Walk it off!”  And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Back in my day, we didn’t spend our money on “posse’s” or “dog fighting kennels”.  Flobble-de-flee!  In my day, we took our money home in a burlap sack, and we used it only for necessities, like a strong pair of work gloves.  And we’d go out into the wilderness and use those gloves to kill a grizzly bear with just our hands.  Then we’d skin it and eat it raw.
That made us come down with tapeworms, and we’d agonize in pain for weeks, projectile vomiting like the fat guy from Monty Python’s ‘Meaning of Life’…

And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

These damn kids just don’t know how good they’ve got it these days…back in my day, we didn’t have any “pads” or “helmets”.  In my day, you got an extra helping of cotton balls and a jock strap made from dried twigs.  And if someone hit you hard enough to rupture your spleen, well tough titties for you!  They’d take you to the sideline, rip out your spleen, and get you back out there for the next play.  Painkillers?  Novocaine? Only if you got that first down, cupcake!  If not, they’d bring you out back behind the barn, shoot you, burn the remains, and use what’s left as fertilizer for a new football field.

And that’s the way it was and we liked it!  We loved it!

Ted Washington, Roger Goodell, Commissioner, grumpy old man, old guys rule, Dana Carvey, SNL, back in the day

Not to bring up the Patriots on this site yet again (you do know they’ve won 3 of the last 6 titles, right?  Just checking…), but when it comes to your fantasy draft, you really need to think like them in terms of value.  Just like Super Bowls, fantasy titles are won & lost in the middle rounds of the draft; you need to make sure you’re getting the most bang for your buck.

In this installment, we’ll take a look at the mid-tier players that I feel are ranked below where they should be.  I’m using the rankings from CBSSportsline for 2 reasons; one, that’s where my league is hosted (and I’m hoping this free publicity translates into a free trophy or something…), and two, there are a TON of ranking goofs for me to plunder here!  Let’s get started…

Wide Receiver - Lee Evans (Bills)

CBSSportsline Ranking:  #14 WR
Talking NFL Ranking:  #7 WR

Lee Evans tied for 4th place last year amongst WR’s in total points, yet CBS has him ranked 14th this year.  I’d understand that line of reasoning if he was working with a different QB, past his prime, or had a solid # 2 WR to compete against.  None of that is true, so I must have missed the “Lee Evans will get hit by a tractor in Week 4″ memo.

In addition, he’s going against three AFC East teams that (assuming Asante Samuel holds out) all lack a proven shut down corner.  He’s a threat to go deep on every play (he averaged 15.7 yards per catch last year), and if you don’t have that # 1 CB to keep him at bay, get ready to be burned.  I expect big things from Mr. Evans this year…

(more…)

Bribery is as American as apple pie, self-destructing young actresses, fast food, and football. It’s the foundation of our current system of government, and has given us some of the greatest tragic characters of our time, both fictional (Tony Soprano) and non-fictional (Tim Donaghy).

Here at Talking NFL, we say if you can’t beat ‘em, bribe ‘em.

All this month, 451 Press is holding a Commenting contest. Three comments (of the non-spam variety, obviously) will be chosen throughout the network at random to win a cash prize of $300, $200 or $100. Just in time to place some bets on the new season! (Vegas has the Lions at 125/1 odds to win the Super Bowl. Giddy-up!)

Of course, we’d recommend putting that cash into a 401k instead. But O Holy God is THAT boring.

I’ll have a new division preview and fantasy article for you to unleash your anger upon next week. Good luck, kids.

(One final note regarding the upcoming volleys of hate and slander coming my way: do whatever you want to me, but leave the cheerleaders alone…)

Capiche?

Talking NFL, 451 Press, comments, contest, money money money, mon-ay

I’ve watched this damn thing at least 20 times since I saw it in the movie theater this past weekend. Tell me that you’re not just as geeked up for this flick as I am! It’s going to make Spiderman 3 look like…well…Spiderman 3.

(we have A YEAR to wait for this thing?! I’m not going to make it. Go on without me…)

…and here’s your questionable football crossover:

The Dark Knight, Teaser Trailer, Snickers, Football, I’m Batman, You Don’t Understand, No I do, I do

Dear Lord.

You have got to be kidding me.

Man, does this suck.

Spare me your Shaughnessy induced optimism.  Who poured vodka into his normal cup of liquid poop?  

This is not Christmas, CHB.  It feels more like April 15th.  Worse yet, time for that annual colonoscopy.  

Oh sure, on the surface everything looks just super di duper.  The Big 3 in the Garden, Part Deux.  A two-headed closer in Fenway.  And there are more wide receivers in Foxborough than there are career suicides in Hollywood.  

Whatever.

Remember, New Englanders can complain about anything; it’s what we do best.  If Allah himself dropped off 72 virgins at my doorstep, I can guarantee you I’d find at least one of them a tad portly.  And that would completely ruin the experience with the other 71, believe you me.

Things are not good in Beantown.  Trust me, I’ve done the math.  And I’m wicked pissah smahtah than you, chief.  

For starters, there goes my girlfriend of four years.  Just dumped her.  Really, it was better to get it over with now.  Her birthday? Chargers vs Patriots.  Anniversary?  During the ALCS.  She’d be lucky to get a postcard.  Christmas with her family?  Please.  I’ll be spending it with either the Patriots and Dolphins or the Celtics and Heat.  They’re both way more exciting that her Aunt Gertrude, even when she’s off her meds.  And they don’t smell nearly as bad as her Weird Uncle Fred.

Why spend all that time & money on a relationship that’s doomed anyways?  Goodbye sweetheart.  Helloooooo 500 GB porn collection.

I’m gonna need that cash anyways.  Oh yes.  Looks like MLB.tv and NFL Sunday Ticket isn’t going to cut it.  Time to tack on NBA Season Pass as well.  How much is that again?  Sure, you can put a lien on my house…

I’m not even taking into account game tickets, team jerseys, bar tabs, AA meetings, bail money, etc.  Seriously, I might as well just double up on those Megabucks tickets and keep my fingers crossed, since this is no doubt costing me my job as well.  

Remember the Yanks-Red Sox ACLS in ‘04?  I called in catatonic that entire week-and-a-half.  Now I’ve got a whole YEAR worth of those playoff series coming up?  Might as well start shooting a cocaine/caffeine solution directly into my temple now, just to get used to the feeling.

Don’t even get me started on the championship parade routes.  Had that thing down cold by the Pats 3rd Super Bowl.  Leave the house at 10, park at secret spot just outside BU at 10:45, walk to parade route by 11:30, parade rolls by just after 12, back home in time for Dr. Phil.

…but 3 in the same year?  Everyone’s gonna find my damn secret parking spot.  The traffic will be horrific.  I’ll miss Dr. Phil.  

F#@k that, I won’t go.  I’m not missing Dr. Phil…he gets me, man.

This pisses me off more than a lukewarm bag of fries from McDonalds.  Don’t these guys realize how much I love being miserable? How much I love to bitch & moan about how badly the hometown teams suck?  Ainge, I thought you knew the deal.  You were doing so well.  I went off for a full week on the Ray Allen trade.  Solid Grade A sourness.  Now you go and pull this.

Jerkoff.  Thank God the Bruins still blow…

It’s times like this that just make me wish I lived in a place where the local teams haven’t won anything for decades.  Preferably where it rains non-stop.  That would make me completely miserable.  That would make me…complete.

Screw it, I’m moving to Seattle.  That will really suck be perfect!

Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Boston Red Sox, Eric Gagne, New England Patriots, title town, sarcasm run amok, it was either this or a video of me streaking in delight