Talking NFL

“Greetings and Salutations, good citizens of South Beach!  When last we met, you vilified my name, and you buried my career.  Worst of all, you robbed me of my dignity.  For that offense, you shall never be forgiven.

“I have returned today to extract my revenge.  To shove a dagger into the heart of your already dying team.  To throw for two touchdowns and run for three others, proving that oh yes, my knee is quite functional, thank you.

“Most of all, I leave you with a lost season, and the thought of what might have been.  You will wish you had loved me as I loved you.  I leave you to cry and scream and curse in anguish throughout the internet, as I lead a new army onto glorious victory, crushing your hopes and dreams in our wake.”

“Am I not merciful?”

“…”

“AM I NOT MERCIFUL?!?!”

Oakland Raiders, Miami Dolphins, Daunte Culpepper, my name is Gladiator, revenge games are the balls

Yes, I know; this debate is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? It’s FUN, dammit! When most football fans aren’t arguing about who’s team is better, or whose better at fantasy football, they’re making completely subjective comparisons between great players that play the same position - like these two wonderboys.

Besides, today’s alternatives are to talk about the benching of Sexy Rex Grossman, make some horrible predictions for Week 3, or just rant and rave about the writer over at AOL NFL Fanhouse that makes me gnash my teeth in rage. Boring, been done, and nobody cares (in that order). So let’s reopen this can o’ worms and have some fun!

When we last left the Brady/Manning cunundrum, Manning backers and Colts fans were joyous with glee. For the one taunt that had previously stumped them, the “he can’t win the big one!” argument, went up in a cloud of smoke when Peyton hoisted the Lombardi trophy after Super Bowl XLI. He had led the Colts to glory in comanding fashion with 3 postseason TD’s, 7 INT’s and a QB rating of 69.8, a full 31.2 points lower than his ghfklihouriopewhbhhuiwgy7hvxxxx- (ugh. Just once I’d like to be able to write that without having a seizure…). Point being, the Colts were the champs & he had his ring, end of story.

With that, some writers wanted to end the debate and crown Manning the champion. However, Brady backers had one last move to make; to play the “Brady’s never had the weapons that Manning’s had!” card. Three games into the ‘07 season, that card looks to be an Ace.

With Moss, Welker, and Stallworth catching his passes instead of guys like Fred Coleman, Bethel Johnson, and Featherstone from Necessary Roughness, here are Brady’s ‘07 numbers to date, compared to Manning’s:

Brady:  70 CMP 88 ATT 887 YDS 79.5% 10 TD 1 INT 141.8 RAT
Manning:  66 CMP 101 ATT 873 YDS 65.3% 5 TD 1 INT 104.9 RAT

On their own, Manning’s numbers are extremely impressive in their own right. Which makes what Brady’s done so far that much more ridiculous. As it’s been pointed out by other writers, Brady is currently on course to put up 53 TD passes.

Now, besides the “dude, it’s WAYYYY to early to be talking this way!” argument (I know, I know - hey, we’re having fun, remember?), you could also argue that Tommy Terrific’s Targets this year are BETTER than those of Peyton’s. With back-up targets like Maroney, Gaffney, Watson, and Faulk, he may hold a slight advantage over the likes of Addai, Clark, Gonzalez and Utecht.

So perhaps a better comparison would be to take a look at Manning’s numbers through the first 3 games of the ‘04 season, when he had arguably his best compliment of weapons (Harrison in his prime, Wayne just emerging, Stokley as the #3 guy, and the Edge out of the backfield), and compare them to Brady’s first 3 outings this season:

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Earlier this month, we discussed the glory of the new Tampa Bay Buccaneers Cheerleader Site. Well, consider the bar raised by the beautiful ladies (like Andrea here) down in Houston, Texas!

The new Houston Texans Cheerleader Website contains video, a cheerleader of the week segment, and (drum roll please) a bio section for each cheerleader that includes a virtual cheer and 360 view feature!

(Editorial Comment: Hey Texans tech guys; if you’re going to do a 360 view feature, which is sure to freak some uber-conservatives off anyways, why not go for the full body view? Cutting them off right at the mid-section? Pfffft. Whatever.)

Anyways, enjoy perusing the lovely ladies that make up the Houston Texans Cheerleader Squad. Remember though (as always); no cyber-stalking allowed, guys!

Hat tip: The always excellent and lovely Stephanie Stradley over at AOL FanHouse.

NFL, Houston Texans, Cheerleaders, AOL FanHouse

Two videos today (meaning yes, I don’t feel like writing…).

Here at Talking NFL, I’d say on the whole that we’ve been blessed with a high level of quality commenters.  However, every once in a while we get a hater, a flamer, or just your common jerk (sometimes provoked by yours truly, I admit).  For this group (and the people who can’t stand them), this video is for you.

(WARNING:  NSFW due to explicit language & 2 girls making out at the 1:39 mark.  I point this out because it might be deemed offensive to some, and others may just want to fast forward to that part.  Either way, it’s a personal choice, AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.)

A very worthy sequel to the original Internet Commenter Meeting:

Great LOL of China, are those funny!  Hail College Humor, and hat tip, Barstool Sports and Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Internet Commenter Meeting, Retirement Party, watch your backs SNL, NOBODY CAN HEAR ME, NOBODY CAN HEAR MY COMMENTS, Simpsons did it

Last Sunday at Arrowhead stadium, a drunken fan made his way onto the field for his 15 seconds of fame (to be followed by 2 awkward days in prison). In this video, you’ll see him racing down the sideline towards endzone glory, when he’s confronted by the most unlikeliest of suspects…

Notice the textbook form when the Wolf cuts off the open field! Look at how he takes the entire pile of people down!

Rumor has it, Herm Edwards was so impressed, the Wolf will start at inside linebacker for Kansas City this week. Considering that they’re giving up 113 yards rushing per game, it couldn’t hurt.

Kansas City Chiefs, mascot, KC Wolf, drunk fan, tackling 101

Having your team start the NFL season 0-2 is no reason to panic.  Last year, the Chiefs started 0-2 and still made the playoffs.  Twice in their history, the Patriots started 0-2 and made the Super Bowl.  So 0-2 is no big deal.

0-3 on the other hand, is Chicken Little time.  Since 1993, only two teams — the Buffalo Bills in ‘98 and the Detroit Lions in ‘95 — started the season with three straight losses and made it to the postseason (source: Football Outsiders).  So if you’re a fan of one of the following teams…well, as Don Cheadle said in Traffic, “you’re not just f**ked, you’re F**KED!”

(1) Buffalo Bills

Surprise factor?  Pretty big, considering they seemed headed in the right direction with a group of good, young talent.

What went wrong?  In a word, injuries.  Beginning with that horrible spine injury to Kevin Everett (who, on more positive news, moved his arm this weekend), and culminating this weekend with a season ending injury to rookie linebacker Paul Posluszny.  In between, there’s been a ton of others.

Any silver lining?  With Losman among the injured, it looks like the Trent Edwards era will begin.  Sure it will be a trial by fire, but since J.P. Losman showed no progress in the first couple of games, it’s time to see what the rookie QB can do.  Who knows, maybe he’ll actually complete a pass to one Lee Evans, who was last seen on the back of a milk carton (and riding many a fantasy football team bench…).

(2) Miami Dolphins

Surprise factor?  Outside of South Florida: 0.0

What went wrong?  Besides Saban fleeing in the night, the anemic looking offense, horrible special teams, Jason Taylor and Joey Porter combining for 1 sack and the rest of the defense giving up 84 points in 3 games?  Nothing - everything’s just freaking dandy.

Any silver lining?  Hey, the Patriots still have to play them twice! WOOHOO!!  I was going to say, “well at least the weather’s good”, and then I checked out the forecast.  Just stay away from sharp objects there, Fins fans.

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It’s hard not to get sentimental when it comes to Brett Farve.  The guy plays with his heart on his sleeve, is only in it for the W’s (insert your own heart-string plucking cliche here, etc.), and has gone through some seriously tough times in the last few years.  Plus, he’s been written off for dead more frequently than Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers combined.  Well you can stop working on his tombstone, because he and the Packers are very much alive (to the chagrin of Aaron Rogers, who probably has lengthy discussions of despair with his clipboard every Sunday).

Yesterday, # 4 engineered yet another late game victory when he hit speedster Greg Jennings for a 57-yard TD pass that put the Packers ahead of the Chargers to stay in a 31-24 victory.  That touchdown also tied Brett Favre with Dan Marino for the most touchdown passes in NFL history.  A record he seemed to be completely unfazed by…

“I could care less about the record,” Favre said after the game. “Everybody’s congratulating me, but I told them it doesn’t mean anything if we don’t win the game.”

The Packers now stand alone in first place in the NFC North, and are only one of five undefeated teams remaining (along with the Colts, Patriots, Steelers and Cowboys).  Nice going, Favvvre!

Speaking of which, do you realize that There’s Something About Mary is almost 10 years old?!  What’s more amazing; the fact that Favre (at age 38) is still slinging touchdown passes, or that Ben Stiller (at age 41) is still staring in romantic “comedies”?

…I’m going with the latter.

Images and informational portion of story courtesy ESPN

Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers, undefeated, record, you know Marino is pissed, Ben Stiller, one trick pony

All right, back to it:

(9) Detroit Lions (2-0).  Jon Kitna apparently has been touched by “the hand of God.”  According to the Official Talking NFL PowerMatic 5000, a deity healing your injuries bumps you up exactly 4 spots.

(10)-(12) Texans, Packers, and Redskins.  They’re all a surprising 2-0, so let’s put together in a 3 way tie for 10th.  Feel the love!

(and, no, we’re not putting a 1-1 team in front of these guys.  That’s another thing I can’t stand about Power Rankings.  Like the Tuna said, “you are what you are.”  Unless a team and/or coaching staff is astoundingly good or bad, you stay with what the record is.  Actually, hold that thought…)

(13)-(24) All the 1-1 teams. (Except for the Chargers)

(25)  Oakland Raiders (0-2).

(26)  San Diego Chargers (1-1).  Did I do that just to piss these guys off?  Guilty as charged!

(27)  Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins (0-2).  Grouped together to get the numbers back on track.  All bad, but not as bad as…

(27)  Kansas City Chiefs  (0-2).  Let the Herm Edwards watch begin.

(28)  New York Giants   (0-2).  Let the Tom Coughlin watch
begin continue.

(29)  New Orleans Saints  (0-2).  America’s team needs to get it in gear.

(30)  Atlanta Falcons  (0-2).  I’m still a fan of Bill Simmons, but if he’s going to pick these guys as his surprise sleeper team, then he might as well go for broke & pick Britney Spears as Comeback Artist of the Year and President Bush as Executive of the Year.

(31)  Chlamydia.

(32)  New York Jets (0-2).  Suck it, ManJudas!

(4,657,890)  Orenthal James Simpson.

(DEAD LAST)  New England Patriots *(2-0)*.

Yeah, that’s right - DEAD LAST!  Those candy @sses haven’t shown me a damn thing!  76-28 in their first 2 games.  Pffft.  Cheater!  Cheater!  Pumpkin Eater!  Bet they cheated Sunday night.  I don’t care how far up their butts those NBC Cameras were.  Belichick has those Jedi mind powers like Jabba the Hut.  Plus he can see through walls & change shapes at will.  Sooooo not fair!

See how I put asterisks around their record?  That implies the record was not earned justly and fairly.  Oh yeah - I so went there!  And f you NY Post, I have a patent pending on the DOUBLE asterisk.  I figure that way you can imagine they’re a pair of boobs when you look at ‘em.  

Don’t believe any of that garbage Tedy Bruschi, Roosevelt Colvin or Tom Brady were spouting after them game for a second.  They’re all liars and thieves, I tell you!  The New England Patriots are a collective bunch of fraud losers, and I refuse to move them from DEAD LAST until I see some conclusive evidence that they deserve to be number one!  (Like, say, a 4th Lombardi trophy.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to print this thing out in Courier 72 font and FedEx 100 copies over to Gillette Stadium; Attn: Coach Belichick, Rodney Harrison, and the rest of the cheating losers called the New England Patriots.  After that, I intend to kick back, relax and watch my boys beat the Bills 138-0.

Power Rankings, New England Patriots stink, no respect, wish I had thought of this back in January, I am Spicoli

Ah, power rankings.  An opportunity for every self-absorbed, smarmy sports writer, blogger, and bored teenager to proclaim how all teams should be ranked from 1-32, with clever little bits of analysis on each team.  Only 2 minor problems with these rankings:  (1)  They’re destined to be entirely different one week from now, and (2) they are completely, stupendously, and utterly meaningless.  Otherwise, awesome idea!

I claimed in my inaugural post that I would much rather just come out and say, “wow, the Steelers look awesome, and man do the Falcons suck.”  But since there’s about 2,436 of these tedious freaking power stanks out there, why not put a completely BS one together myself?  Hey, 95% of this entire site is BS anyways, why stop now?

So here you go; a farcical first (and probably last) Talking NFL Power Ranking Column:

(1) Denver Broncos (2-0).  Seriously, anyone can blow out a lesser team; I want to see a team handle PRESSURE!  Running onto the field with seconds left to boot the game winner and an OT victory back-to-back?  Done and done.

Besides, some people are calling Mike Shanahan’s time-out just before the Raiders field goal attempt bad sportsmanship.  As a Patriots fan, I admire that.  Cheaters unite!

(2) San Francisco 49ers (2-0).  2 close wins, just in the weaker conference.  Therefore, the 49ers are the 2nd best team in the league.

And spare me your comments of incredulity.  In fact, let me save you the trouble:

Commenter Flacido Domingo: The 49ers at #2???  WTF?!  They should be 0-2!!

Me:  But they’re not.  They’re 2-0.  Now go away often.

EGO ALERT!  Will you look at that!  The same two teams that will play in Super Bowl XLII (according to my brilliant preseason predictions) are 1-2 in my power poll!  Obviously, I am the greatest sports blogger in the history of mankind!  Please excuse me whilst I perform fellatio upon myself:

….

And we’re back!

(3) Indianapolis Colts (2-0).  I gotta admit, those catchy Peyton Manning ads are finally starting to grow on me.  Like an infected boil on my scrotum.

(4) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0).  Would’ve had ‘em higher were it not for those throw-upback uni’s:

And don’t forget their mascot, Steely McDouchey!  Har Har!

(5) Dallas Cowboys (2-0).  I care not of their wins over 2 poop-tastic foes.  I care of Romo’s lady friend, one Carrie Underwood:

Although she needs to dress in a more slutty sexy fashion.  Let’s get her some help:

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During the last few days, the number of coaches who might be available for new positions in ‘08 decreased by two. First, Titans coach Jeff Fisher signed a contract extension, then Bill Belichick did the same with the Patriots. Both deals are reported to last through 2013.

Meaning that the price tag for this guy just went through the roof:

..that chin might as well be made of gold. With silver streaks of spittle descending upon it.

And while it’s still WAY to early to speculate on where Cowher might land, (should he decide to come back to coaching at all), keep in mind that he played for the Browns back in the early 80’s. And despite Cleveland’s thrilling victory over the Bengals, Romeo Crennel is certainly on the hot seat this season.

Imagine if Cowher really did go to the Browns. He would be to the NFL what this guy is to NCAA Basketball:

(BAM! See how I did that? See how I tied that all together? How cool is- what? Get over yourself? Oh, fine…)

Jeff Fischer, Bill Belichick, contract extension, Bill Cowher, Cleveland Browns, New York Giants, Rick Pitino, Benedict Arnold, famous rants

Which of the following images best represents the toughness of the Cincinnati Bengals defense?

A)

Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, bad defense, I thought Marvin Lewis was a defensive genius, you’re my boy Blue, C & D are next to each other for a reason

A Jets scandal? That’s Man-boobalicious!

Here’s a stunner: according to NFL.com, Ravens coach Brian Billick accused the New York Jets of using an “illegal” ploy to draw Baltimore offside during Sunday’s game. During his press conference, Coach Billick was extremely tongue & cheek with the following “praise” that he Heaped upon the Jets defense:

“They did an outstanding job. I credit the New York Jets. Their defensive line and linebackers did a very, very effective job of illegally simulating the snap count,” Billick said.

Yeah, yeah I know - it’s not exactly CameraGate. But cheating is cheating, right? Hey, Mussolini, once you’re finished plowing through all those Patriots tapes, do us a favor; take a trip down the NJ Turnpike and commondere a 5th round pick from the J-E-T-S, will you?

Really shocking. I mean, wherever would ManJudas have ever learned such behavior?

Can’t have your cake and eat it too, can you Eric? (Actually, judging by the looks of him, you can…)

New York Jets, Eric Mangini, cheating, CameraGate, karma karma karma karma karma chameleon

(10) *Sniff* *Sniff* T-the Patriots must have cheated! Wahhhhhh!

(9) Philips Rivers couldn’t beat “the sorriest corner in the league”. Ergo: Pillips Rivers is the sorriest quarterback in the league.

(8) LT was just too classy to get his jersey dirty.

(7) Junior Seau unearthed old Chargers playbook & discovered Coach Turner was still using the same signals he created for San Diego back in ‘01 (cheating, or just Norv being Norv? You decide…).

(6) Reflections from Belichick’s uber-spy camera eyes blinded opposing players all game long.

Image care of the always excellent Barstool Sports

(5) On pivotal 3rd down plays for the Chargers, Patriots played the following Gisele Bundchen highlight reel from the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show on the jumbotron:

(4) With nothing better to do, Rodney Harrison secretly switched Shawne Merriman’s regular steroid supply with a batch of Ex-Lax.

(3) Upon further review, idea of substituting head coach that can’t win in the post-season with one that can’t win in the regular season is just as dumb as it sounds.

(2) The better team won. (Whoops, how’d that one get in there?)

(1) Patriots spend all week fuming over media claiming victory over New York Jets & their entire dynasty should now have an asterisk next to them. “No respect” card tactical nuke is back in play!

(Note: the last two three are the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. For every sports blogger & newspaper reporter that went out of their way to rip the Patriots organization last week, on behalf of Patriots fans everywhere I’d like to say: THANK YOU! Enjoy a season of great vengeance and furrrrrious anger!)

New England Patriots, San Diego Chargers, PWNED, no more of this politically correct horsesh!t, no respect, us against the world

Illustration courtesy of NY Daily News

When it comes to the American media (in all forms), there are two areas where it excels; the first is piling on when it comes to a car wreck (see:  Michael Vick, Britney Spears), and the second is some serious preaching after someone (or some team) has royally screwed up.  Both elements have been in full display in the wake of the New England Patriots “CameraGate” incident.  In the aftermath of the surreal escalation of this event during the past week, I decided to take a step back, and read as much coverage as I could (mainstream media, blogs, blog commentary, etc.).  After doing so, I would like to throw my 2 cents into the fray.

(yes, this means I’m just as guilty of piling on & preaching as everyone else.  Hey, it’s what we do, and besides that, it just happens to be my team.  I have to say SOMETHING!)

So here it is, divided into topic sections:

Thoughts on the punishment handed down by Der Führer Roger Goodell:

Do I like the fact that the Patriots are losing a 1st Round draft pick? OF COURSE NOT!  I’m a Patriots fan!  But do I AGREE with the penalty? Sadly, yes.  There’s no getting around it; the Patriots not only broke a rule, but they broke a rule that the NFL reinforced last September with the following memo:

“Video taping of any type, including but not limited to taping of an opponent’s offensive or defensive signals, is prohibited on the sidelines, in the coaches’ booth, in the locker room, or at any other locations accessible to club staff members during the game.”

In addition, they broke the rule against Belichick’s former protege, who certainly knew his old boss’s tactics, and gleefully caught him red-handed.  Bottom line, they cheated and looked pretty dumb doing it.  Not something you’d expect from a head coach with a “genius” reputation.

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As reported by Yahoo! Sports, Kellen Clemens will start at quarterback for the New York Jets this week, according to a report in Thursday’s Star-Ledger. Chad Pennington suffered what is believed to be a severely bruised ankle when he was sacked by defensive end Jarvis Green in the third quarter of last Sunday’s 38-14 loss to the New England Patriots. The Jets will face the Baltimore Ravens in Baltimore at 4 p.m. this Sunday.

Please let me be wrong.
Please let me be wrong.
Please let me be wrong.
Please let me be wrong.
Please let me be wrong.

New York Jets, Kellen Clemens, Chad Pennington, bad bad karma