Talking NFL

Please do not misinterpret this post: This is not my way of wishing ill will on one Eli Manning. I only hate his brother (and that hatred has grown in direct proportion to the exponential increase in ads we’ve been subjected to this season). In fact, my stance towards Eli is almost one of pity at this point (almost).

No, I am simply praying for a Jared Lorenzen QB start because…well, look at him. He’s enormous! He’s a fattie! He’s one of us!

(by us I refer to the beer swilling, bratwurst consuming, 300 pound plus fan population of the US of A. God Bless us and our premature heart attacks…)

Seriously, when have you ever seen such a rotund looking fellow playing in the position made famous by playboys like Joe Namath, Tom Brady, and Matt Leinert? You see that bulge in the middle of the ‘1′ on his uniform? That’s not muscle. That’s a man-boob, son. And it’s beautiful to behold.

This guy makes Sebastian Janikowski look svelt.

Check out this quote from the Pilsbury Throwboy:

“(A few times) I’ve really let one go on somebody,” Lorenzen said.

Was he talking about rifling a pass down the middle of the field, or a flatulence incident after downing a Taco Bell 7-layer burrito?

Regardless, I want to watch him throw for his weight in yards this weekend, then munch on a twinkie and wash it down with Crisco in-between series (Gatorade is for wussies). And should he by some miracle capture the starting QB role for the G-men? Well, he’ll be the only QB in the league that can actually endorse and consume over half the products advertised in commercials during games (Budweiser, McDonald’s, Pepto Bismol, etc.).

Jared Lorenzen represents both the common man and the uncommonly overweight man. He won’t win over any supermodels, but this weekend he can win our hearts. And our fat.

Good luck, J-Lo. We’re all counting on you.

New York Giants, Jared Lorenzen, fat guys rule

With only Week 1 of the 2007 season in the books, it would take a complete schmuck of a blogger to draw wide sweeping conclusions for the rest of the year.

Lucky for you, I am that schmuck.

I’m not saying that the Browns, Giants and Raiders are all ready done, or that the first half of the Cardinals vs 49ers game looked like a pop-warner game (both probably true, by the way), but I am saying this: barring an unforeseen catastrophe, Super Bowl XLII will be won by either the Patriots or the Colts.

(yes, that destroys my season predictions. Oh well, cancel my Nostradamus award…)

Let’s review their opening season opponents, the New Orleans Saints and New York Jets. Both teams were led by rookie coaches last year, yet they both went 10-6. Both teams went to the playoffs (the Saints made it to the NFC Championship Game). On paper, both teams look just as good, if not better this year than they did last year.

But not only did both those teams lose; they were absolutely destroyed. And their opponents looked like they put as much effort into waxing them as Britney Spears put into her VMA appearance.

The 2nd most jarring thing to watch was the defenses at work. Both the Patriots and Colts were swarming all over the place. The Patriots D-line pushed around the Jets like an afterthought, making Chad Pennington play duck & cover up until they knocked him out of the game. Meanwhile the Colts were showing off their speed lighting up Saints players like roman candles. With Bob Sanders leading the way, that defense is a completely different beast.

But what really stood out was the performance of the quarterbacks. Watch them again if you can. It was like they were both playing pitch & catch with their friends in the back yard. We’ve seen it before with Peyton Manning – he and Marvin Harrison probably know where the other likes to be scratched, they know each other so well. But Tom Brady has never had a talent like Randy Moss to target prior to this year. The 51-yard bomb they connected on was ridiculous, and they made it look ridiculously EASY.

Oh, by the way; this was after everyone was fretting about Indy’s off-season losses (Tarik Glenn, Cato June, Dominic Rhodes, among others), and the Patriots double-whammy loss of Rodney Harrison and Richard Seymour for the first part of the season. Yeah, both teams looked devastated, didn’t they?

If you’re a fan of the Saints or the Jets, then this past weekend was a huge letdown after an off-season filled with hope & promise. If you’re a fan of the Patriots and Colts, then you might all ready be looking ahead to the November 4th rematch between these two heavy weights. The winner of that game could very well determine who has home-field advantage for the AFC Championship.

Footnote: This story comes on the heels of the Patriots getting busted for spying on the Jets with video cameras. I believe Yahoo! Sports writer Dan Wetzel has a good take on that story which I agree with. The Patriots broke the rules and need to be punished for this, no doubt, but let’s keep it in perspective: teams do things similar to this all the time in the NFL (unfortunate, but that’s the facts).

Indianapolis Colts, New England Patriots, Super Bowl XLII, making predictions like Sean Salisbury

Didn’t take long for us to get our first pivotal bad call by a ref, did it?

Last night, near the end of the Bengals/Ravens contest, Kyle Boller hit Todd Heap for a touchdown that appeared to tie the score. However, Heap was called for offensive pass interference, and the score was negated. After reviewing replay, it looked clear to the commentators and the audience that if there was any penalty to be called, it was DEFENSIVE pass interference.

Whether or not the ensuing defensive holding penalty against the Bengals was a make-up call can be debated. Regardless, the next time Boller tried to hit Heap in the end zone, it bounced off of him and was intercepted by Michael Myers (thus, yes, completing Baltimore’s nightmare).

I’ve always thought that every team NEEDS to allow for one blown call per game. Hey, the refs are only human you know. But to have such a bad call mar an otherwise great game really sucks. Especially if you’re a Ravens fan.

Photos care of Getty Images

Monday Night Football, Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati Bengals, bad call

The “Buyer’s Remorse” Moment:  The New Orleans Saints signed former Indianapolis cornerback Jason David to a four-year, $16 million contract to help shore up their secondary.

…hope they kept the receipt.
  
The “Bipolar Fan” Moment:  Here’s how thousands of Patriots fans commented on Ellis Hobb’s record shattering 108-yard kick-off return for a TD:

“Don’t even think about it - oh, NO!  HOBBS YOU MORON!  Can’t believe he took that thing- wait…NEVERMIND!!  GO! GO! GO! YES!  AHAHAHAHA!! WOOOHOO!!  We love you, Hobbs!!”

(more…)

Time to call the shots for this year’s post-season.  Before we begin, let’s take a look back at how I’m predicting the regular season will unfold (a.k.a. - here’s the post you should bookmark so you can laugh your ass off at me around Christmas time…):

AFC EAST

Patriots  13 - 3
Jets  11 - 5*
Bills  8 - 8
Dolphins  4 - 12

AFC NORTH

Steelers  10 - 6
Bengals  9 - 7
Ravens  8 - 8
Browns  5 - 11

AFC SOUTH

Colts  12 - 4  
Jaguars  8 - 8
Texans  7 - 9
Titans  5 - 11

AFC WEST

Broncos  11 - 5
Chargers  10 - 6*
Raiders  6 - 10
Chiefs  5 - 11

NFC EAST

Cowboys  10 - 6
Eagles  8 - 8
Giants  6 - 10
Redskins  5 - 11

NFC NORTH

Lions  9 - 7
Bears  8 - 8
Packers  7 - 9
Vikings  5 - 11

NFC SOUTH

Saints  10 - 6
Panthers  9 - 7*
Falcons  6 - 10
Buccaneers  5 - 11

NFC WEST

49ers  11 - 5
Rams  9 - 7*
Cardinals  8 - 8
Seahawks  6 - 10

* - Wild Card Teams

(Quick notes:  Yes, I neglected to give you a full preview for both the AFC & NFC South.  Mea Culpa.  Apparently I’m still fighting the Civil War.  Also, I believe the numbers work out here, but my engineering degree is over a decade old, so feel free to double check it.)

OK, onto the playoffs…

(more…)

Enjoy the game, and God Bless Football!

…skip to the 1/2 way mark on this one:

…and of course:

AHHHHHHH!!!, AHHHHHHH!!!, THE SEASON STARTS TONIGHT, O MY GOD, YES YES YES!, i think i’m excited

Consider this post an inside hand off here at 451 Press.  As you may have noticed, we have a new Fantasy Football site here on the network, and writer Mr. Joe Badalucco knows his stuff (in fact, we share many similar thoughts - he might be that half-brother of mine my parents don’t like to talk about…).

So look to Joe for your Fantasy Football insights, and keep it right here for…whatever the hell it is that I do.

(This works great for 2 reasons:  (1) Obviously, with the regular season beginning, I can concentrate on that, and (2) This way I’m not giving my league any more disinformation help.)

So to finish off my Fantasy Football segments, I’m leaving you with the roster I just drafted this past weekend.  Now I realize that Internet readers are split in two here; either you’re genuinely curious & want to see who I drafted, or you could care less.  So I’ve included my roster (along with my draft reasoning & a few more general thoughts on fantasy football) after the fold.  If you’re interested, keep on reading.  If not, well, I won’t take it personally…

(more…)

Thanks again to the fine work being done over at The Professional Cheerleader Blog; they’ve alerted everyone to the fact that the Bucs have revamped their entire website, and have done a very nice job with the cheerleaders section.

Unfortunately, they may have done TOO good a job - they’ve copyrighted everything so well, I can’t get you a sample photo from it.  Fortunately, 451 Press has a subscription to Wire Image, so here’s a teaser:

I also dug up this fan photo:

Which answers the age old question, “who’s with stupid”?

NFL, Tampa Bay Buccaneers cheerleaders, The Professional Cheerleader Blog

The Patriots Super Bowl bandwagon blew out two front tires this past weekend, when the team was rocked by both Rodney Harrison’s 4 game suspension, and the news that Richard Seymour would start the season on the PUP list.

My thoughts on both losses (besides the obvious swearing & throwing pieces of small furniture around):

- The loss of Harrison doesn’t worry me that much.  Keep in mind that he’s missed 19 games to injury over the last 2 years, and that he’s 34 years old.  Plus they just got Asante Samuel back, who will add stability to the secondary.  James Sanders came on near the end of last year, and the Patriots drafted Rodney’s eventual replacement in Brandon Meriweather.  While it would have been idea to have Rodney tutoring him at the start of the season, he shouldn’t have too much trouble if called upon.

Also, the Patriots have been here before (cuting Lawyer Milloy in ‘03 right before the opener), and they still went on to win the Super Bowl.  At least this time they don’t have to worry about seeing Rodney line up for the Jets this week…

- However, the loss of Seymour concerns me a great deal.  He’s the key cog in that defensive line, a top player in the league, and will definitely be missed.  True, the Pats have Warren and Wilfork, but make no mistake that they benefited greatly from all the attention that must be given to Seymour.  It will be very interesting to see how the run defense in particular fairs in the first half of the season.  Especially considering they’re going up against Thomas Jones, LaDainian Tomlinson, Marshawn Lynch, and Rudi Johnson in the first 4 weeks.

Bottom line: the seemingly invincible Patriots juggernaut took a big hit this week, right in the middle of their defense.  Meaning that they have a weakness that can be attacked, just like every other team in the league.  

NFL, New England Patriots, Richard Seymour, Rodney Harrison

For the AFC North preview, we will pick the winner based on which team had the most embarrassing off-season visual image.

Cleveland Browns (2006 results:  4-12):

Time for a Brady Quinn montage!

Verdict:  Too bad the Brady Quinn thing is played out (besides, this is the Browns we’re talking about).  Besides, why begrudge the guy a few awkward photos?  If you don’t have any compromising photos of you between the ages of 16-22, you just haven’t been living right (that’s my excuse, anyways).

The Prediction: 5-11, 4th place AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals (2006 results:  8-8):

As easy as it would be to focus on the numerous arrests the Bengals have experienced, let’s have a hot dog instead…

Verdict: Mmmmm…tasty wiener!

The Prediction: 9-7, 2nd place AFC North

Baltimore Ravens (2006 results:  13-3, lost in AFC Divisional Round):

Here’s an oldie but goodie: Steve McNair’s mugshot from his DUI charge in ‘03:

Verdict:  Points off for the bad hair day.

The Prediction: 8-8, 2nd place AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (2006 results:  8-8):

Ladies and gentlemen, the new mascot of the Steelers (and the most hated man in Pittsburgh), Steely McBeam:

Verdict: We have a winner!

The Prediction: 10-6, 1st place AFC North

NFL Preview, 2007, Regular Season, Predictions, AFC North, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Baltimore Ravens, Pittsburgh Steelers, poorly named mascots

In less than 24 hours, the New Orleans Saints square off against the defending champion Indianapolis Colts to kickoff the 2007 NFL Football Season (much to the delight of pigskin addicts across the globe who are currently suffering through Stage 7 of withdrawal, complete with the freaky baby on the ceiling from Trainspotting.)

In order to celebrate (and to make up for the lack of posts here this week:  sorry, I’ve been on a 5-day bender), Talking NFL will have a marathon posting schedule all-day Thursday.  We’ll finish off the division previews, call the shots for the post season, put together one last fantasy article, and who knows…there might even be a cheerleader sighting or two.  We’ll finish things off with a complete review of the opening night festivities from a very special (and politically incorrect) location, complete with pictures (unless the bouncer catches me with my cell phone camera).

So keep it tuned right here to Talking NFL.  Pack it up, pack it in, and let the season begin.  It’s football time, baby!

NFL Season Opener, time to play, jump around