Talking NFL

Dear Lord.

You have got to be kidding me.

Man, does this suck.

Spare me your Shaughnessy induced optimism.  Who poured vodka into his normal cup of liquid poop?  

This is not Christmas, CHB.  It feels more like April 15th.  Worse yet, time for that annual colonoscopy.  

Oh sure, on the surface everything looks just super di duper.  The Big 3 in the Garden, Part Deux.  A two-headed closer in Fenway.  And there are more wide receivers in Foxborough than there are career suicides in Hollywood.  

Whatever.

Remember, New Englanders can complain about anything; it’s what we do best.  If Allah himself dropped off 72 virgins at my doorstep, I can guarantee you I’d find at least one of them a tad portly.  And that would completely ruin the experience with the other 71, believe you me.

Things are not good in Beantown.  Trust me, I’ve done the math.  And I’m wicked pissah smahtah than you, chief.  

For starters, there goes my girlfriend of four years.  Just dumped her.  Really, it was better to get it over with now.  Her birthday? Chargers vs Patriots.  Anniversary?  During the ALCS.  She’d be lucky to get a postcard.  Christmas with her family?  Please.  I’ll be spending it with either the Patriots and Dolphins or the Celtics and Heat.  They’re both way more exciting that her Aunt Gertrude, even when she’s off her meds.  And they don’t smell nearly as bad as her Weird Uncle Fred.

Why spend all that time & money on a relationship that’s doomed anyways?  Goodbye sweetheart.  Helloooooo 500 GB porn collection.

I’m gonna need that cash anyways.  Oh yes.  Looks like MLB.tv and NFL Sunday Ticket isn’t going to cut it.  Time to tack on NBA Season Pass as well.  How much is that again?  Sure, you can put a lien on my house…

I’m not even taking into account game tickets, team jerseys, bar tabs, AA meetings, bail money, etc.  Seriously, I might as well just double up on those Megabucks tickets and keep my fingers crossed, since this is no doubt costing me my job as well.  

Remember the Yanks-Red Sox ACLS in ‘04?  I called in catatonic that entire week-and-a-half.  Now I’ve got a whole YEAR worth of those playoff series coming up?  Might as well start shooting a cocaine/caffeine solution directly into my temple now, just to get used to the feeling.

Don’t even get me started on the championship parade routes.  Had that thing down cold by the Pats 3rd Super Bowl.  Leave the house at 10, park at secret spot just outside BU at 10:45, walk to parade route by 11:30, parade rolls by just after 12, back home in time for Dr. Phil.

…but 3 in the same year?  Everyone’s gonna find my damn secret parking spot.  The traffic will be horrific.  I’ll miss Dr. Phil.  

F#@k that, I won’t go.  I’m not missing Dr. Phil…he gets me, man.

This pisses me off more than a lukewarm bag of fries from McDonalds.  Don’t these guys realize how much I love being miserable? How much I love to bitch & moan about how badly the hometown teams suck?  Ainge, I thought you knew the deal.  You were doing so well.  I went off for a full week on the Ray Allen trade.  Solid Grade A sourness.  Now you go and pull this.

Jerkoff.  Thank God the Bruins still blow…

It’s times like this that just make me wish I lived in a place where the local teams haven’t won anything for decades.  Preferably where it rains non-stop.  That would make me completely miserable.  That would make me…complete.

Screw it, I’m moving to Seattle.  That will really suck be perfect!

Boston Celtics, Kevin Garnett, Boston Red Sox, Eric Gagne, New England Patriots, title town, sarcasm run amok, it was either this or a video of me streaking in delight