Bears Chairman Mike McCaskey is a Decendent of Scrooge
This just in - Bears Chairman Mike McCaskey is not the grandson of legendary coach and owner George Halas, but in fact a seventh generation decendent of the bastard child of Ebenezer Scrooge.
The paternity test results came out this weekend. When this blogger contacted him for an interview to discuss this finding, I was greeted with, “Plague and damnation! Can’t you see that I’m trying to run a business here?” before he hung up.
Of course, subtle hints of Mr. McCaskey’s real roots to Scrooge have been evident for several years. The Daily Herald’s Barry Rozner noted that they’re both ‘cheap, heartless and, worst of all, transparent.’ (Transparent? Perhaps he was thinking of the Ghost of Christmas Past, whom Scrooge nailed to produce his illegitimate offspring)
The news comes as little consolation to the departed masses of the Bears coaching staff: quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson, defensive line coach Don Johnson, assistant offensive line coach Harold Goodwin, and defensive coordinator Ron Rivera. Rumor has it they all will be making more at their new jobs than the allowance of 15 shillings per week they made with the Bears.
As for head coach Lovie Smith, he’s taking his current contract situation (one year remaining) in stride, as Nick West of the News Sentinel reports:
“Sometimes, with a contract, it takes time, but I’m confident we’ll get it done. Of course I don’t like being the lowest-paid coach in the league. I’d like to be in a different position. I look at it like I won’t be in that position long.�
Somewhere, Bob Cratchit is smiling proudly.
When asked why a raise hasn’t been given to a coach that brought his team to their first Super Bowl in over 20 years, McCaskey responded;
“If he’d rather go and die, then he’d better do it and decrease the surplus coaching population. Bah, Humbug!.”
Meanwhile, Bears fans can take comfort in this fact: right now, in the seventh layer of hell, they are busy forging the chain that McCaskey will have to wear for all of eternity. Just like his great-great-great-great-great-great grand-dad.
Chicago Bears, Mike McCaskey, Lovie Smith, cheap
March 1st, 2007 at 12:40 am
[...] Father Christmas March 1st, 2007 by Brian Wow - I guess the Scrooge analogy worked. Who knows whether or not team chairman Mike McCaskey got bitch-slapped by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come (complete with images of Bears fans dancing on his coffin). Or maybe he just got himself laid. Regardless, there’s a new rainmaker in town. [...]