Talking NFL

On Monday, the New York Jets signed offensive lineman Damien Woody to a 5-year, $25 million contract, with a reported $11 million in guaranteed money. Here now is the exclusive behind the scenes transcript of what took place earlier this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey…

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Woody’s Agent: “Hey, boys, howareya? Good ta see ya. Before we get started, can I make sure this parking gets validated-”

Mike Tannenbaum: “You’re fine. Let’s cut to the chase.”

Woody’s Agent: “All business eh, Mikey? I like it. Like it alot! All righty then, introducing your new Pro Bowl right tackle, Mr. Damien Woody! C’mon in, Big D.”

(ground shakes - Damien enters)

Damien Woody: “Achuta.”

Eric Mangini: “Say what?”

Damien Woody: “Wanta dah boga noga?”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Is he retarded?”

Damien Woody: “Da beesga coo palyeeya pityee bo tenya go kaka juju hoopa!”

Woody’s Agent: “Don’t mind him boys, he speaks Huttese. You’ll need a translator in the huddle, that’ll cost ya extra.”

Eric Mangini: “Whatever. Can you just explain the offer to him please?”

Woody’s Agent: “Abso-freakin’ Smurfly!” (to Damien) “D, these gentlemen would like to extend you a $25 million dollar contract to play for the New York Jets. How’s that sound?”

(pause)

Damien Woody: “Hou, hou, hou! Bargon wanchi kox paa!”

Woody’s Agent: (whispering to Damien) “Shut up, D! These clowns are offering over twice as much as any other team out there! Don’t screw this up!!”

Damien Woody: “Oh. Sekak tirin karas kanuta.”

Woody’s Agent: “He accepts!”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Wonderful, now can he sign the contract, please?”

Woody’s Agent: “Hell, yeah! Here’s a pen there, Big D-”

Damien Woody: “Ooh! Smak Telia!”

(Woody eats the pen)

Eric Mangini: “Good God.”

Woody’s Agent: “Whoops! Ha, ha, very funny, D. Sorry guys - just gimmie the contract and he’ll sign it later.”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Uh, sure. Here you go-”

Damien Woody: “Ooh! Waffmula!”

(Woody intercepts the contract and eats it)

Eric Mangini: “Hmmm…nifty feat for a big guy…”

Mike Tannenbaum: “You know, on second thought maybe this isn’t such a good idea-”

Woody’s Agent: “Now wait just a GD minute there! We had a deal! And Damien Woody is ready to commit to the Jets! Damien Woody is a Pro Bowl talent and you should feel privileged to be in the same room with him! Damien Woody is-AACK!”

(Woody eats his agent)

Damien Woody: “Duble maskie peedunky.” (belches) “OOOH!” (eyes Mangini, starts drooling) “Lickmoomoo!”

Eric Mangini: “AAH! Help me, Mike!!”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Just keep him distracted, fatty! I’ve got an idea!” (gets on the intercom) “Marcy, get Dewayne Robertson in here, right away!”

Damien Woody, New York Jets, free agency blunders, worse than the Tommy Kelly contract