Bring Out Your Fantasy Football Dead!
Friday, October 12th, 2007
Guy With Cart: “Bring Out Your Fantasy Football Dead!” (*bangs triangle*)
Team Owner: “Here’s another one.”
Guy With Cart: “Nine pence.”
Lee Evans: “I’m not dead!”
Guy With Cart: “What?”
Team Owner: “Nothing. Here’s your nine pence.”
Lee Evans: “I’m not dead!”
Guy With Cart: ” ‘Ere. He says he’s not dead!”
Team Owner: “Well, he sure had me fooled.”
Lee Evans: “I’m not! I can play coach!”
Guy With Cart: “He isn’t?”
Team Owner: “Three fantasy points in 5 weeks? He’s dead to me.”
Guy With Cart: “I can’t take him if he’s not REALLY dead.”
Team Owner: “Fine. How about this guy? He hasn’t done anything for weeks…”
Andre Johnson: “I don’t want to go on the cart!”
Team Owner: “Oh, don’t be such a wuss, you wuss.”
Guy With Cart: “I can’t take him either! It’s against regulations.”
Team Owner: “Oh, for the love of Britney Spear’s kitty. What about him?”
Anquan Boldin: “I feel fine! I’m 80% right now!”
Team Owner: “80% what, gelatin?! Get your ass on the field and get me some touchdowns, you simpering crybaby!!”
Guy With Cart: “Sorry. No can do.”
Team Owner: “Well, do us a favour - my team’s 1-4 and I’m playing against Tom Brady AND Ronnie Brown this week! I’d rather take a chance on Dominic Rhodes than start one of these gimps! Please, I’m begging you!”
Guy With Cart: “I can’t.”
Team Owner: “Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? I’m sure one of these guys will pull a groin just standing here…”
Guy With Cart: “No, I’ve got to go to another team right away. They’ve lost three this week.”
2nd Team Owner: (yelling from across the road & holding a decaying Hines Ward in his arms): “HURRY THE F–K UP, WILL YOU! THIS GUY SMELLS TERRIBLE!!”
Team Owner: “YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE IN THE LEAGUE, YOU HACK!” (back to Guy With Cart) “Fine, so when’s your next round?”
Guy With Cart: “When the Waiver Wire runs - Wednesday, as usual.”
Team Owner: “Well that’s just great…”
Laurence Maroney: “I think I might actually start this week!”
Team Owner: “You and your ‘questionable’ injury status isn’t fooling anyone, you know! Look, isn’t there something you can do?”
Guy With Cart: “Sorry, I really can’t.”
All the injured players that have been killing your team start singing together:
“We feel happy!
We want to gloat!
We might play on Sunday!
But we probably won’t!”
Team Owner: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
(kills them all, throws them in the wagon)
Guy With Cart: “Right! See you on Wednesday.”
Team Owner: “Oh, and I’ll have more for you. You can count on it!”
(with sincere apologies to the surviving members of Monty Python, this year really has felt like the black plague…and while I’m apologizing, sorry for the lack of posts this week. Business trip. We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week)
