Talking NFL

Another Talking NFL exclusive (a.k.a. - completely fabricated farcical piece)! Below is the full transcript of 81-year old Marv Levy’s press conference held today at Ralph Wilson Stadium, complete with commentary from 89-year old Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson Jr.:

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Marv Levy: “Ladies and gentlemen, today is a very tough day for me as I announce my resignation as General Manager of the Buffalo Bills. But it with a great sense of pride that I look back at my 22 years of consecutive service with this organization and all the great things we have accomplished.”

Reporter: “You were actually retired for 8 years there before you came back, sir.”

Marv Levy: “Was I? I thought that was just a two-week vacation at Palm Beach.”

Ralph Wilson Jr.: “It’s too damn cold in here!”

Marv Levy: “Anyways, I will always treasure the memories of our two Super Bowl wins-”

Reporter: “You didn’t win a Super Bowl, sir.”

Marv Levy: “That’s right! Those gosh darn 49ers played us so tough…”

Reporter: “You never played the 49ers in a Super Bowl, sir.”

Ralph Wilson Jr.: “Where did my teeth go?!”

Marv Levy: “I’d also like to thank all the great players that I coached here: Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, Jim Thorpe, Knute Rockne-”

Reporter: “Sir-”

Marv Levy: “This is my press conference, you insolent little punk, and I’ll say whatever the hell I want to!”

Ralph Wilson Jr.: “He’s a witch! Burn him!!”

Marv Levy: “Finally, I’d like to complement the league on such wonderful modern day innovations such as the forward pass, the protective cup, and Gatorade.”

(a sound resembling someone blowing on a french horn with a ferret stuck in it emanates from Ralph Wilson’s chair)

Ralph Wilson Jr.: “Please excuse me. I appear to have soiled myself.” (leaves)

Marv Levy: “I should be going as well. I’d like to go home and catch the new Matlock!”

Buffalo Bills, Marv Levy, old people are fun, I won’t make it to 70 let alone 80

No, they’re not related, but they are both back-up quarterbacks that were called upon by their teams to lead them to the postseason.

First, Todd Collins (born in Massachusetts, the state of champions!) threw for 244 yards and a deep touchdown strike to Santana Moss to help lead the Washington Redskins to a 27 - 6 victory over the Dallas Cowboys. Although the ‘Boys rested several key starters, it still didn’t take away from the Skins 4th straight victory and an emotional finish to a regular season dedicated to a fallen teammate:

“I was on the sideline and guys were talking about the score, and then it hit me — we won by 21,” veteran left tackle Chris Samuels said. “I came in the locker room and I yelled it out, and immediately I just kind of broke down in tears. Because I miss Sean, you know.”

Meanwhile in the late game, the Tennessee Titans were down by 3 points when Vince Young left the game with a leg injury. Enter 13-year veteran journeyman Kerry Collins, who may look like he’s aged in dog years, but showed he could still get the job done by leading his team to three scoring drives. The Titans defense was able to hold-off the immortal Jim Sorgi, and defeated the Colts 16 - 10 to clinch the final playoff spot in the AFC.

Congrats to the fans in Washington and Tennessee! Now it’s time for the tournament!

Washington Redskins, Tennessee Titans, NFL, playoffs

But it was definitely NOT easy! Give credit to the New York Giants; they brought their A game and were up by 12 points in the 3rd quarter (the highest deficit the Patriots faced all season). But right after Brady & Moss failed to connect on a long pass in the fourth quarter, they connected on a 65-yard TD strike that gave New England the lead, and gave both Tom Brady and Rand Moss the record for TDs in a season at their positions (50 and 23, respectively).

Some more notes from an amazing finish to a historic regular season:

- In total, the Patriots set or tied a stunning eight NFL records and four franchise records this season. Boston.com has a list of them all in pictorials.

- As much as everyone has talked about Brady, Moss, and Welker on offense, the unsung MVP of the Patriots offense this year was Kevin Faulk (and has been for the last 9 seasons).

- The much maligned Eli Manning looked more like his older brother for most of the evening, completing nearly 70% of his passes and throwing 4 touchdowns. But he regressed at the worst possible time, throwing a crucial INT in the 4th quarter.

- Speaking of which, it must have been very satisfying for Ellis Hobbs to make that pic after being grilled on and off the field all season long for his cornerback play.

- This deserves its own post, but the No Fun League really needs to lighten up on those TD celebration penalties. The one on Moss last night was ridiculous, and it’s been a problem all season long. Like or dislike Terrell Owens, he’s been victim to a few similar penalties that shouldn’t have been called (like one for this celebration, which was just plain funny).

- I credit the Giants for playing the Patriots tough and not mailing in an otherwise meaningless game. But you just have to wonder how much it will affect them next week against the Bucs. Since Week 10, the last six opponents the Patriots have played have lost their game the following week as well. Talk about a Patriots “hangover”…

- Best line of the night: when CBS 4 Boston’s Steve Burton asked Patriots lineman Matt Light after the game if he had anything to say to the “grumpy old men” of the ‘72 Dolphins, Matt looked directly into the camera with deadpan look and quietly said, “Sorry.” Classic!

- Speaking of which, hey Mercury:

Break out your tux, buddy.

New England Patriots, New York Giants, 16 - 0, Perfect, Sweet 16, 1972 Dolphins

This week, the NFL Network gave both Patriots fans and Patriots haters a belated Christmas present: they gave permission to NBC and CBS to simulcast Saturday’s broadcast of the Patriots vs Giants game in the Meadowlands. Combine the multiple network options with the Saturday prime time spot and the historical implications of the Patriots quest for an undefeated season, and we could be looking at the highest ratings EVER for a regular season NFL game.

Obviously, this is great news for football fans around the country for the short term. However, this is just another battle in the ongoing war between the NFL Network and cable giants Comcast and Time Warner Cable. So who comes out ahead after this decision? Depends on who you ask…

According to ESPN’s John Helyar, the NFL Network showed weakness and still has a great deal of work to do with it’s fledgling TV channel:

“…it’s less a gift from the NFL than a punt. As they’ve tried to make the NFL Network into a TV superpower, league officials have repeatedly miscalculated and faltered. As a result, they’ve been unable to budge the major cable operators off their position: that the NFL doesn’t belong on basic cable systems. The cable companies have either marginalized the NFL Network on a premium sports tier (as Comcast has done), or refused to carry it at all (as Time Warner has done).”

However, SI’s Don Banks sees this as a major PR coup for the NFL:

“By giving ground in its two-year-old battle with two of the biggest cable TV companies, the NFL got to play the role of the good guy, swooping in at the last minute to save the day and bestow a historic gift that the football fans of America thought they would be denied. Most fans will forget that the league waited about as long as it could before giving up the NFL Network’s exclusivity with the game. What will linger is a gesture designed to create goodwill for the league and its still-fledgling network.”

Which of course leaves media heavyweight Talking NFL to cast the deciding vote.

Overall, I side with Don Banks - the NFL Network wins a clear vote of thanks from fans everywhere that simply want to sit on the couch, hit the remote, and watch history in the making. In addition, keep in mind that while CBS and NBC are carrying the game, the actual broadcast will be run by the NFL Network. Meaning that you’re going to see the following website name around a thousand times on Saturday:

www.iwantnflnetwork.com.

The site (run by the NFL Network of course) provides a one-click option to send a mass email to government officials that includes the following text:

“Despite the fact that cable is government-regulated, the cable companies have continued to ignore the best interests of consumers by putting their profits first. The best solution is to create an arbitration process that brings both sides to the table and won’t allow big cable companies to discriminate against independent channels and harm consumers along the way.

Please support efforts to create a fast and fair arbitration process. Fans already missed the Packers/Cowboys game on NFL Network and don’t want to miss any more big games.”

Interesting of note is the fact that the email also contacts five members of the FCC, something I mentioned doing before the Cowboys/Packers game, so kudos to them for that.

Having said that, this is still a battle being waged by two sides that best resemble Jacob Marley and Scrooge. They both make billions of dollars a year, and still can’t figure this arrangement out. And make no mistake, the NFL Network is not going away. In fact, they could be televising playoff games in the foreseeable future, and what happens then when the NFL Network is still only available to less than 50 million customers across the country?

To surmise; NFL fans win this weekend, but the long term future of the NFL Network/Big Cable battle remains uncertain.

NFL, Time Warner Cable, Comcast, NFL Network, simulcast, New England Patriots, New York Giants

You know that Miller Lite commercial with the holiday lights that blink to the tune of Wizards in Winter by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra? Well here’s a video of the original house that inspired the ad:

As cool as that is, don’t you wonder what their electric bill must look like?

Merry Christmas everyone! More football posts to come shortly…

Talking NFL, Merry Christmas

In preparation for attending Sunday’s Patriots/Dolphins game, my friends and I have compiled a checklist of necessary (and superfluous) items to bring to a tailgating party when the weather outside is frightful, but your team is so delightful that you simply have to brave the elements to watch them play.

Many of us are veterans of wild weather events, including the original “snow fireworks” game in ‘03 against the Dolphins, the ‘96 playoff game against the Steelers in fog so think you could cut it with a Cutco carving knife, and the post-season battle against the Titans in ‘04 when it was so cold that beer actually froze in the neck of the bottle before you could drink it.

This weekend, for an added twist, the forecast calls for up to 2 inches of rain within a 4 hour period in Foxboro. I’m no meteorologist, but that sounds like a monsoon to me. So we’ve altered our normal snowy weather checklist to include items that would normally be kept in the homes of families located in flood zones. By no means is this a definitive list, but it’s done our crew well since the dark days of Rod Rust, so here’s hoping it helps our brethren tailgaters here and across the country.

(Special thanks to long time reader & Fantasy Football playoff roadkill Dennis D for putting the first draft together!)

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- Grill

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Vick. 3-11. Petrino. Cowher.

Thank goodness Parcells is coming in to clean up this mess! Right?

Uh…WRONG again!

…seriously, now there’s absolutely NO WAY things could-

(you know what? Let’s not go there.)

Atlanta Falcons, Bill Parcells, Arthur Blank, bad to worse

Today marks the one year anniversary of Talking NFL, and what better way to celebrate than with a Holiday Cheerleader extravaganza!  Below you will find the best NFL cheerleader videos and pictures I could find (in the spare 15 minutes I had between running over people at the mall and cramming my carry-on bag inside that glove compartment sized crib outside airport security - seriously, does ANYBODY’S bag fit in that thing?!).

Before we begin, a quick programming note:  yours truly will be attending the New England vs Miami tilt in Foxboro this weekend, and I plan on providing a full tailgating recap early next week! (complete with leftover grilled Dolphin…)  True, the game would have been much more enjoyable if the Dolphins were still chasing historic ineptitude, but I’m sure we’ll make do with the remaining Patriots chase for perfection!  In Bill We Trust!

In addition, we have a bunch of post-holiday goodies prepared for all you faithful readers that have endured this calendar year, including a playoff preview, a look at some great up-and-comming blogs, and a Talking NFL first: an honest to goodness interview!  (With someone actually involved with professional football and who isn’t my mom or some bookie I owe $$$ to - sorry Vinny, check’s in the mail…no really…put that cigar cutter away…)

So as Veronica Corningstone would say; thanks for stopping by, and enjoy a cornucopia of holiday cheerleader goodness! HO HO HO!!

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For most leagues, Week 15 represents the first round of the long awaited fantasy football playoffs. Which means millions of fans were cheering on various players to lead their immaginary teams (with names like the Suited Monkey Assassins and the V@gina Squad) onto victory.

Many of them are sitting around the computer in stunned silence today.

You count on your studs to not only get you to the playoffs, but to lead you to a title. Unfortunately, many times these studs just happen to develop a hitch in their giddy-up at the worst possible time. Since this weekend provided us with a myriad of pants pooping performances (and since our beloved Fantasy Football correspondent apparently got hit by a bus around Week 4), let’s survey the damage here at Talking NFL:

Tom Brady and Randy Moss: Both came into Sunday’s game on pace to break the record for TD’s in a season at their respective positions. And there was no question they tried to hook up frequently against the Jets. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t working; Moss finished with just 79 yards receiving, Brady had only 140 yards passing, and no TD’s for either of them. In most traditional scoring leagues, Brady finished with a point total that equaled the GPA of John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky.

20/20 hindsight: Not to beat anyone who had these guys on their team down, but honestly, what did you expect? True, it’s easy to get caught up in the euphoria of the Pats piling on points, but that doesn’t change the fact that their 2 games in the fantasy playoffs were at home - in December in New England! The weather might be better against the Dolphins, but suddenly bench warmer Laurence Maroney is looking like a better option than either of these 2 guys….

Tony Romo and Terrell Owens: The 2nd dynamic duo to fall on their faces! Romo had a career low 22.2 quarterback rating, throwing three picks and no TD’s to the popcorn munching diva. What makes this even more stunning is the fact that both players were ranked 2nd in their positions in terms of fantasy points - behind guess who and who? (See above)

As an added bonus, everyone is trying to blame the appearance of Jessica Simpson in the Cowboys press box as the reason why Romo stunk up the joint…

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Wait, that’s not what I mean…

Miami Dolphins, Baltimore Ravens, winless no more, nice coaching Billick, whole lot of celebrating for 1-13

WARNING: The following post has been rated (R) for Revenge. Please do not read if you are easily offended (or a Jets fan).

On Sunday, the New York Jets will visit Gillette Stadium to play the New England Patriots. Take away the Patriots quest for an undefeated season, and the game is nearly meaningless on paper. The Patriots have clinched a 1st round bye, and the Jets have been out of the playoff hunt for quite some time.

We all know, of course, that this game is not so meaningless to Coach Belichick & the Patriots.

Amidst all the bluster over CameraGate, and Part II that came out this week (wait, the Jets did it too?! Stunning…), the number one mitigating fact is this: Bill Belichick gave Eric Mangini his first break in coaching, and Mangini repayed him by turning him in to the NFL authorities.

Ergo, Eric Mangini is a rat. Wait, that’s an insult to your everyday rat; he’s a rat with herpes. A rat with four nipples and a gas problem. A rat with man-boobs that eats too much fried chicken cheese.

He’s Henry Hill minus the charming personality. He’s Colin Sullivan without Matt Damon’s hunky good looks. He’s Commodus with- you know what? He’s EXACTLY like Commodus. If the opportunity had been there to take over as HC of the NEP, you know Mangini would have smothered Robert Kraft with his own man-boobs.

On Sunday, the 70,000+ fans who fill Gillette will transform the stadium into the Roman Colosseum. They will become a blood-thirsty mob; they will cheer for a final score of 1 billion to nothing; they will scream for (and possibly get) the William Wallace treatment for the traitor Mangini.

To further instigate our this fanbase, I have provided a collection of the best quotes related to treachery, revenge and general violence I could think of below the fold. Please contribute your own quotes of vengeance (or personal preferences regarding ManJudas’s fate this Sunday) in the comments below.

Welcome to the 8th circle of hell, Eric. Paybacks a bitch.

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As bad as things have been for the Falcons the last few days, they still come a distant second to the Dolphins for worst NFL season of the year. (You want a tough job? Try being in charge of putting together their team highlight real at NFL Films…)

Not only are the Dolphins 0-13, but they seem to be getting progressively WORSE. In their first 11 games, the Dolphins lost 6 of them by only three points. But they’ve lost their last two games by a combined score of 78-30. After coughing up the football a unbelievable eight times against the Bills on Sunday, Dolphins left tackle Vernon Carey said, “We’re playing like a (expletive) high school team.” Sorry, Vernon, but Dillion High takes offense to that remark.

In the Fins defense, they’ve had some crippling injuries to deal with.

They lost their one stud on offensive, running back Ronnie Brown, to a torn ACL. The Trent Green experiment lasted less than five games. The much anticipated morbidly fascinating Ricky Williams comeback came and went like a fart in the wind; he lasted all of 6 carries before he was stepped on and lost for the year as well. Pro Bowler Zach Thomas was gone after playing just five games due to migraines (the fact that he remains 4th on the team in tackles shows you just how bad the situation is on defense).

Yet all the injuries still don’t account for just how dysfunctional this team looks on the field. It’s Cam Cameron’s first year as head coach, but it might also be his last. FOX Sports reported on Monday that there may be a mutiny brewing in Miami. According to John Czarnecki, Jason Taylor may give team management an ultimatum at the end of the season; either get rid of Cameron, or get rid of me. (Update: According to Pro Football Weekly, an off-season trade involving Taylor is very likely. Hmmmm…wouldn’t he look good in a Patriots uniform?)

As if this weren’t enough, Dolphins fans have had the added pleasure of having to deal with the Patriots march to an undefeated season. And what has all this attention brought with it? That’s right! A media spotlight on all those fossils from the undefeated ‘72 Dolphins! Warm and fuzzy characters like cocaine trafficker former running back Mercury Morris, who likes to bring his own record book with him to ESPN Studio discussions about the Patriots:

(By the way, according to the record book Mercury Morris is holding, he had 10 carries for 34 yards and no TD’s in Super Bowl VII. That kinda sucks, spin or no spin…)

So is there light at the end of the tunnel for hapless Dolphins fans like Matty over at The Phinsider (who recently said, “most Dolphin fans are left to wonder when this team will hit rock bottom. I say that because just when you think they’ve hit rock bottom, things get even worse.”)?

Why yes there is. In the form of the plummeting Baltimore Ravens.

After playing their hearts out but falling apart at the end of their 27-24 loss to the Patriots two weeks ago, the Ravens collectively slapped a 1st class stamp on their “effort” against the Colts, who put up 30 points in the first 18 minutes of their 44-20 blowout win. If the Ravens decide not to show up again this week in South Florida, then the Fins may have a decent shot of pulling off their first win of the season.

If not, they can try again in Week 16 against the Patriots. Hey, as bad at that match-up may look, they have just as good a chance to upset New England as anyone else.*

* - they have no chance

Miami Dolphins, winless, Cam Cameron, Jason Taylor, misery, historic ineptitude, this is how you should use an asterisk Coach Shula

WRONG

Wow. Just wow. Maybe Brian Brohm isn’t going to Atlanta, huh?

Seriously, if the Georgia Dome imploded overnight I wouldn’t be surprised…

Atlanta Falcons, Bobby Petrino, Arthur Blank, Et tu brute, go ahead and kick me while I’m down

Last night, the New Orleans Saints handed the Atlanta Falcons their 10th loss of the year, dominating them 34-14. And that was the SECOND worst story coming out of Atlanta.

Earlier in the day, Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in a federal penitentiary for his role in the dog fighting operation that took place at his house in Virginia. According to ESPN legal analyst Lester Munson, Vick’s prison time could have been considerably shorter:

In the months since Michael Vick pleaded guilty for his role in a federal dogfighting case, Vick should have been trying to impress federal officials with his honesty and contrition. It would have reduced his time in prison considerably.

Instead, Vick flunked a drug test, lied about his drug use and failed a lie-detector test on his role in the executions of fighting dogs that failed to perform.

If Vick, who filed a guilty plea Aug. 24, had cooperated with FBI agents and probation officials, the sentence could easily have been between 12 and 18 months.

There were visual tributes made by fans and players alike in Atlanta last night, but the truth has finally hit home that Vick is going away & very unlikely to return. Falcons owner Arthur Blank said as much when he was interviewed by ESPN prior to Monday night’s game:

(Regarding Mr. Blank, I have to give him credit for his position on Vick. He seemed to earnestly hope that Vick is able to turn his life around. I spoofed him earlier this year, but throughout this process he has really come across as a stand up guy. Kudos to you, sir. Let’s hope Vick can somehow learn from your example…)

So if not for the Falcons, will Vick ever play for another team in the NFL? Don’t bet against at least one team giving him a shot after he serves his time. Right or wrong, the NFL is filled with players that have been given second chances after committing heinous crimes (just ask Leonard Little, Ray Lewis, and most recently Todd Sauerbrun). In a business where talent and winning are the most important things to most teams, someone out there will see what Vick has left to offer. The real question is whether or not his skills completely erode during his time behind bars.

As for the Falcons, Mr. Blank expressed confidence in head coach Bobby Petrino, and they should have a top 5 pick to help them rebuild (the early money is all ready on them picking former Petrino protegé Brian Brohm).

Every new season brings with it new hope, and the same will hold true for the Falcons in ‘08. Until then, it’s time for their fans to recover from a nightmarish ‘07, and prepare for a future that doesn’t include Michael Vick.

(Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Michael Vick, sentence, Atlanta Falcons, Arthur Blank, 23 months

“That’s right folks!  A win over the New England Patriots is 100% guar-un-teed!  If you are not completely satisfied with my pregame smack talk, then I will give you double your money back with no questions asked!  With T. Smith it’s always an Iron Clad guarantee!”*

* - The Anthony Smith victory guarantee contains several terms and conditions that could make the offer null and void:

- Offer not valid if Anthony Smith falls for the play-action fake and lets Randy Moss get behind him for a 63-yard TD reception (27 second mark).

- Offer not valid if Anthony Smith (and the rest of the Steelers secondary) gets caught with their pants down on a 56-yard flea-flicker from Tom Brady to Randy Moss, back to Brady to Jabar Gaffney in the end zone (1:51 mark).

- Offer not valid if the vaunted Steelers zone blitz isn’t able to sack Tom Brady once because they’re outmatched by the Patriots offensive line.

- Offer not valid if the Steelers inexplicably try to run an end around on 4th and goal and fail (horrible call - Willie Parker was averaging 6 yards a carry and they pick that moment to get cute?)

- Offer of guaranteed victory not valid if made by a player who is “young and dumb” (according to unnamed Steelers official).

- Offer not valid if Steelers fans are too busy writing posts that jinx the Patriots previous opponent (thanks Christmas Ape!).

- Offer of guaranteed victory not valid if Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots have “played against a lot better safeties” than the one making the guarantee.

- Offer not valid if guarantee of victory not made by one Joe Namath.

- Offer not valid if the team that guarantees victory isn’t as good as the one they’re playing against.

New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Anthony Smith, guaranteed humiliation, deeply satisfying wins, 13-0, this is how you should use an asterisk Coach Shula