As expected, next week’s rematch of last year’s AFC Championship Game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts will determine who goes to Super Bowl 42, and will most likely be a two touchdown favorite to win-
(phone rings)
Hold on a sec, I think that’s my editor…
“Hello? Yes. What?”
(pause)
“The Colts lost? Come on, seriously?!”
(pause)
“Who’s Billy Volek?”
(pause)
“I can’t believe Marvin Harrison couldn’t play- wait…he did?”
(pause)
“Peyton threw two picks and blew two fourth down conversions in the fourth quarter?!”
(pause)
“Did he do the face?! Please tell me he- what? Email? OK, I’m checking it now…got it…downloading the pic…”
Here’s a couple of videos I found that poke fun at the top two quarterbacks in the NFL. First up, ESPN’s Fitzy holds tryouts for the newest Peyton Manning commercial (because God knows it’s been at least 28 seconds since we’ve seen him on TV…):
As for Dreamboat, we leave it to LOL Jocks to spoof his newest “manly” ad campaign with Stetson:
So what’s today’s lesson, kids? If you make millions promoting crap products that nobody should buy, someone’s bound to pick on you!
(On a completely unrelated note, today’s post was brought to you by Schlitz!)
“No, we can’t run up the score, Peyton. The game’s over. Honest. You can take your helmet off now…”
Make no mistake about it; the Patriots and Colts cannot stand each other, at least from a front office standpoint. Michael Silver highlighted some of the “gamesmanship” between the two teams in this article last week, and less than 24 hours after the Patriots 24-20 victory in Indianapolis, they’re at it again. Specifically, the Patriots are lodging a complaint with the NFL regarding some perceived shenanigans at the RCA Dome.
Just after the game, Patriots President Jonathan Kraft asked NFL Vice President of Security Milt Ahlerich to investigate the possibility that the Colts piped in or played additional crowd noise during the game. In the Patriots defense, they are not the first team to accuse the Colts of this ridiculous sounding violation of league rules. Having said that, it’s a damn good thing they won the game; otherwise that would sound a lot like whining to many fans…
Earlier today, the internets were all abuzz with this story, especially since you can actually HEAR a weird artificial sound emanating from the crowd at the 2:25 mark of this NFL highlight video. My initial reaction was to jump in and post an extremely professional headline; something like, “COLTS CHEAT! COLTS CHEAT! Cough up that 1st Round pick you @#$&-ers!” (You know, something to rival my mature headlines from the past) Fortunately, I’m learning that sometimes it pays of to wait on a story like this, and see if there’s a reasonable explanation behind it.
Following up on the crowd noise issue in the RCA Dome, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello passes along the following:
“CBS has informed us that the unusual audio moment heard by fans during the Patriots-Colts telecast was the result of tape feedback in the CBS production truck and was isolated to the CBS broadcast. It was in no way related to any sound within the stadium and could not be heard in the stadium.”
So it appears that the Colts fans are simply very good at cheering on their team. And for you Patriots fans that were storming the Colts fan forums and message boards trumpeting these accusations, well, now might be a good time to change your screen name & avatar.
However, the Colts still have another controversy on their hands. During a routine search of the stadium grounds during the game, Ahlerich found head referee John Parry’s duffel bag with the following contents and note:
Before we get to the prediction (almost certain to be way off) and the importance of Sunday’s epic contest, some late breaking injury news, which includes a stunner:
First, a report from ESPN indicates that Marvin Harrison has been medically cleared to play Sunday against New England. However, the All-Pro wideout has been told his knee pain could last throughout his remaining career. Harrison is a consummate professional and one of the all-time greats, but it does appear that father time is catching up with the 35 year old. Should he play, it will be interesting to see just how effective he is.
One the other side of the field, a bit of a shocker; Mike Reiss from Boston.com is reporting that the Patriots have placed veteran running back Sammy Morris on injured reserve, ending his season. When Morris was hurt in the chest against the Cowboys just under three weeks ago, it was thought at the time he might be out for only a month. Apparently, the injury was more serious that the Patriots let on (wait, the Patriots weren’t completely forthcoming with an injury report? Get out!).
As Mike reports, this opens the door for the Patriots to activate WR Chad Jackson or CB Eddie Jackson from the PUP list. We’ll see what happens…
Regarding the game itself, it’s safe to say there’s been just a tad of hype surrounding this contest. And while there’s no question that it promises to be an epic battle, one has to wonder just how important it is in relation to the rest of the season. Past the two undefeated teams aspect, most experts and not-so-experts agree that the winner of this game should lock down home field advantage for the inevitable AFC Championship game rematch (at this point, the only thing that could prevent these 2 teams meeting again would be some unforeseen disaster, like an injury or meteor shower).
So how important is home field advantage? Really, not that big a deal.
During this ongoing feud between the modern day Hatfield’s and McCoy’s, both teams have won on the opponents soil (the Colts have won the last 2 regular season games in Foxboro, and the Patriots won in the RCA Dome back in ‘03). In addition, both teams proved last season that they can win a big playoff game in a hostile environment on the road (the Pats in San Diego, and the Colts in their old home town Baltimore).
More importantly, the teams styles have changed dramatically within the last year; so much so that they both almost seem better suited for their opponent’s field. The Patriots have the #1 passing offense in the league, with Moss, Stallworth and Welker ready to sprint all over an indoor playing surface. Meanwhile, the Colts have turned into a bit more of a ball control offense, preferring shorter passes and the run game, which could come in handy during the cold weather.
Bottom line; this thing will be fun, but it’s only setting the table for the real showdown.
So here’s the call on the final score. I think the Colts are really miffed that the Patriots are grabbing all the headlines even though they’re the defending champs, and are itching for a fight. The guy that scares me the most? Bob Sanders - the new Ronnie Lott. He’s making at least one big play in this game & I just pray it’s not a back-breaker.
While many reporters are looking at the Patriots chances of going undefeated (even ringing up members of the ‘72 Dolphins a couple of months early), what should also be examined now is the possibility that Tom Brady could set the single season record for touchdown passes.
After throwing for 3 more scores against the Browns on Sunday, Brady now has 16 over the first 5 games. This means he’s on pace to toss 51 touchdowns for the season, which would best Peyton Manning’s 2004 record of 49 TD passes. Here’s a quick look at the remaining teams the Patriots have to face, and how they currently rank in pass defense (based on yards per game allowed, care of ESPN):
Dallas Cowboys - 15th
Miami Dolphins - 2nd (they play twice)
Washington Redskins - 13th
Indianapolis Colts - 7th
Buffalo Bills - 32nd
Philadelphia Eagles - 17th
Baltimore Ravens - 22nd (Wow!)
Pittsburgh Steelers - 8th
New York Jets - 27th
New York Giants - 14th
It certainly appears that the next 4 weeks will be more difficult than the beginning of this season has been; however, it should be noted that the Dolphins pass defense is ranked highly because teams are finding it much easier to simply run the ball down their throats.
Also, as yesterday’s game showed yet again, Tom has an amazing knack for seeing what the defense is trying to take away from him, and then exploit a different match-up. When he had difficulty getting the ball to Randy Moss, he went to Ben Watson (6 catches, 102 yards, 2 TD’s) and Donte’ Stallworth (4 catches, 65 yards, 1 TD) instead. In addition, his offensive line kept him squeaky clean again, not letting the Browns sack him once (speaking of squeaky clean, here’s a site that’s much cleaner that this filthy one…).
So could Brady pull it off? Hey, the way the Patriots are playing right now, anything’s possible…
Yes, I know; this debate is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? It’s FUN, dammit! When most football fans aren’t arguing about who’s team is better, or whose better at fantasy football, they’re making completely subjective comparisons between great players that play the same position - like these two wonderboys.
Besides, today’s alternatives are to talk about the benching of Sexy Rex Grossman, make some horrible predictions for Week 3, or just rant and rave about the writer over at AOL NFL Fanhouse that makes me gnash my teeth in rage. Boring, been done, and nobody cares (in that order). So let’s reopen this can o’ worms and have some fun!
When we last left the Brady/Manning cunundrum, Manning backers and Colts fans were joyous with glee. For the one taunt that had previously stumped them, the “he can’t win the big one!” argument, went up in a cloud of smoke when Peyton hoisted the Lombardi trophy after Super Bowl XLI. He had led the Colts to glory in comanding fashion with 3 postseason TD’s, 7 INT’s and a QB rating of 69.8, a full 31.2 points lower than his ghfklihouriopewhbhhuiwgy7hvxxxx- (ugh. Just once I’d like to be able to write that without having a seizure…). Point being, the Colts were the champs & he had his ring, end of story.
With that, some writers wanted to end the debate and crown Manning the champion. However, Brady backers had one last move to make; to play the “Brady’s never had the weapons that Manning’s had!” card. Three games into the ‘07 season, that card looks to be an Ace.
With Moss, Welker, and Stallworth catching his passes instead of guys like Fred Coleman, Bethel Johnson, and Featherstone from Necessary Roughness, here are Brady’s ‘07 numbers to date, compared to Manning’s:
Brady: 70 CMP 88 ATT 887 YDS 79.5% 10 TD 1 INT 141.8 RAT
Manning: 66 CMP 101 ATT 873 YDS 65.3% 5 TD 1 INT 104.9 RAT
On their own, Manning’s numbers are extremely impressive in their own right. Which makes what Brady’s done so far that much more ridiculous. As it’s been pointed out by other writers, Brady is currently on course to put up 53 TD passes.
Now, besides the “dude, it’s WAYYYY to early to be talking this way!” argument (I know, I know - hey, we’re having fun, remember?), you could also argue that Tommy Terrific’s Targets this year are BETTER than those of Peyton’s. With back-up targets like Maroney, Gaffney, Watson, and Faulk, he may hold a slight advantage over the likes of Addai, Clark, Gonzalez and Utecht.
So perhaps a better comparison would be to take a look at Manning’s numbers through the first 3 games of the ‘04 season, when he had arguably his best compliment of weapons (Harrison in his prime, Wayne just emerging, Stokley as the #3 guy, and the Edge out of the backfield), and compare them to Brady’s first 3 outings this season:
In order to prevent this from turning into a “this sucks, Peyton sucks, I suck for writing this” suckfest, I’ve enlisted the help of a couple of friends who, (a) are long-time SNL fans, and (b) have no pre-conceived feelings towards one Peyton Manning. I’ve incorporated their comments into the review of each skit involving my all-time favorite player (along with my own thoughts of pure evil and hatred). Let’s begin, shall we?
OK, as you all know, #18 isn’t exactly on my Christmas card list. However, in light of the fact that Peyton finished this past season as a choke artist. Don’t give me any other BS, he sucked in the playoffs! The running game & defense carried his ass & you all know it! I still hate you, Peyton! DEAR GOD DO I STILL F#$KING HATE YOU!!! a true champion and the Super Bowl MVP, I’ve decided to soften my stance and wish him good luck on Saturday.
(Wait, isn’t that bad luck for actors? Oops. Wasn’t I supposed to say “break a leg” instead? Golly, I hope that doesn’t come back to bite him in the ass…it’d be terrible if Andy Samberg accidentally kicked him in the nuts or something…)
In all seriousness, this could be a complete disaster in the making. Consider:
- SNL isn’t must-see-TV these days. In fact, it’s sucked since Will Ferrell left five years ago. I tried watching last week’s episode with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and didn’t make it past the third skit. When you can’t get a good laugh on a piece called “Restless Penis Syndrome”, you’ve got issues, man.
- Peyton Manning: LIVE. Sure, he’s great in those ads, like the one below. But that’s easy - multiple takes, script reminders in-between. It’s like a game against the Texans. This is the big show; the playoffs; crunchtime, and we all know how Peyton’s sphincter flares up when the red light goes on. (Prediction for number of times we see the ‘Peyton Manning face’? 486.)
Editor’s Note: ’The Peyton Manning Face’ is a registered trademark of Bill Simmons and ESPN.com. We apologize in advance for using it. Please for the love of god don’t sue.
- Tom Brady didn’t exactly light it up. Tom Terrific’s appearance two years ago was somewhere between uncomfortable and painful. The Falafel City ad was funny, but most of the other skits were not, and then there was that shot of Tom in his BVD’s. UGh.
(the only sight worse than that? Rachel Dratch’s meat filled legs…AAAH!)
Point being, the show has only gotten worse in the last 2 seasons, and if they dressed down Tom to his underwear, imagine what’ll happen to poor Peyton. Fig leaf, anyone?
So I’ll be sure to post a completely unbiased review grade here first thing Monday morning. (I swear. Just 20 points off the bat because it’s Peyton. That’s it.)
“Good luck on SNL, Peyton. You’ll need it. Because I still hate you, that’s why.”
Back in Part 2 of my epic (boring) saga, I talked about how Peyton was a “Money Grubbing Endorsement Whore”, and suggested he make pitches for Greyhound Bus (to drive over his teammates) and the Heimlich Institute.
Never did I think to write, “he’d probably show up at some spoiled brat’s MTV Sweet 16 party if they offered him enough cash.” I didn’t think he’d go THAT low.
Yes, that’s Cedric the Entertainer on the left. No, that’s not the 16 year old in the middle (thank god, because Cedric is staring down that ass like a lion eyeing a gazelle).
By the way, PTI brought up this story last night and credited Deadspin with the lead. Congrats, guys. I think we can stop calling Deadspin an underground site now. (70 million page views, 220,000+ daily? Sorry, but that’s mainstream. Talking NFL? Now THAT’S underground, bitch.)
Back to the final round of Manning bashing…here’s the deal:
I saw him lose to the Patriots in the ‘04 and ‘05 postseason. I saw him lose to the Steelers last year. I’ve watched him very closely in pressure filled situations in games throughout his career, and it’s always the same: Peyton Manning doesn’t come through in the clutch.
And here lies the proof. This is a phenomenal football website every fan should have bookmarked. Might be a good idea for some of those ‘experts’ to take a peek here once in awhile as well.
What lead editor Kerry Byrne and company have done here is lay down all the numbers (regular season, post season, quarterback ratings, cheerleader measurements, etc) that unequivocally prove the following: Peyton Manning not only doesn’t play as well in the post-season as he does in the regular season, but “he reserves his worst performances for the playoffs”. This makes the site awesome for two reasons; 1) anyone who argues against these clearly defined facts can eat a big helping of “shut the f up”. 2) it means I don’t have to look this crap up, leaving me more time to surf alternate football sites like this one.
So why do the ‘experts’ continue to pick and/or root for Peyton Manning? Perhaps they feel bad for him. Perhaps they’re hoping to exorcise their own demons through him (hi, Dan). Perhaps they’ve just had enough of Brady & Belichick. Whatever the reason, their picks make absolutely no sense whatsoever when compared to the Cold Hard Football Facts.
Here’s the only parallel to this I can think of that makes sense, and I need your help. I’m going to ask you to place a hypothetical bet of at least $1,000 on the answer to the next question I’m about to post. It’s not a football bet, but it does ask you to pick one of two sides. Oh, and you have 3 seconds to make a decision.
Ready?
Here we go….
.
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France and Germany go to war. Who wins?
(tick, tick, times up!)
If you said ‘France’, do me a favor & go back to Colt Freaks or whatever Indiana website you came from.
The rest of you probably said something like “no fair, just 3 seconds? Not nearly enough time to empty out my ‘401k’ and take out a second mortgage on my home.” Of course you picked Germany! You probably have no idea whether the Germans still own a tank, or if the French actually have an army. But everybody knows that when it comes to war, the Germans are the best at it, while the French are the best at getting the US on speed dial so we can bail their ass out.
Just like everyone should know what The Cold Hard Football Facts knows. But guys like Marino, Ditka, and Salisbury continue to wear that faggity black hat, smoke a filtered cigarette, and yell, “Vive La France!” Well, I’ve got my money on the Patriot Blitzkrieg to keep on rolling, just like it always does come playoff time. Meanwhile, Peyton will throw 3 or 4 INT’s, chokes on a 14 oz. T-Bone steak, then rip into his wide recievers, or some other teammates after the game.
Just like he always does come playoff time.
Prediction: Pats 31 - Colts 20
And if Peyton somehow manages to cross the Rhine & plant the Colt flag in Berlin on Sunday?
Now that I’ve purged myself of all the cold, black hatred that I have towards the “Money Grubbing, Teammate Back-Stabbing, Dan Marino-ish, Happy Feeted, Whining Like a Baby” quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts, it’s time for me to finally conclude my “I Hate Peyton Manning” diatribe.
Which, for those of you still reading, I’m sure comes as a huge relief. By this point, even Patriot fans are saying, “OK, we get it - you don’t like Peyton Manning. Is there a point to all this?”
Why yes there is, ‘constant reader’! But first, let me respond with a question of my own, that being, “do I really hate Peyton Manning THAT much?” No, not really. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for an invite to the annual family Super Bowl party that he’ll be hosting, but I certainly don’t obsess over him in a Glenn Close “Fatal Attraction” kind of way (which, I admit, might have been the impression I gave earlier this week…).
In fact, as Dennis D pointed out - I should in fact LOVE Peyton Manning. He should have won a Best Supporting Actor in a Documentary Award for his performances in all three Patriots Super Bowl DVD’s. That look of exasperation! Notice how his entire body sags after he loses the game - that’s fantastic work! We couldn’t have done it without him!
So if it’s not Peyton, then what it is that really twists my panties in a knot? That’s easy - it’s all the sports media personalities and ‘experts’ that continue to love, praise and (dare I say) ‘Glorify’ him, despite the fact that he has yet to win anything. And by anything, I mean not even an AFC Championship. But he’s got another chance this weekend, and here’s a short list of all the ‘experts’ that are in Peyton’s (oops, sorry - I forgot how much he hates that) - I mean, the Colts corner:
From ESPN:
Len Pasquarelli
Mark Schlereth
John Clayton
Sean Salisbury
Ron Jaworski
Chris Mortensen
Mike Ditka (who may or may not have been drunk on ‘PTI’ Wednesday)
From Inside the NFL on HBO:
Cris Carter
Dan Marino (makes sense - it’s like he’s cheering for himself)
Each one has a variety of reasons why they’re picking the Colts (much improved run defense, especially from just a month ago, a better ball-control offense, and the best clutch kicker in NFL history). But the important thing is that either by stating it outright, or just by making this pick, these guys are telling us that they are confident Peyton Manning is going to come through in the clutch.
To which I say, “I hate you, you (bleeping) morons.”
Have these guys been watching the same playoff games as I have? Have they actually watched Peyton play in the clutch? I know I have, and it’s a lot like watching the first few episodes of American Idol (decent on occasion, but usually horrific).
Fortunately, there’s one expert that’s been paying attention, and you need to know about him. That story coming at noon (and that will be the end of the Manning stuff. Really, I swear…)
Reason 327 why I Hate Peyton Manning: Peyton Manning speaks;
“I’m trying to be a good teammate here… let’s just say we had some problems with protection.”
- Peyton Manning after the Colts loss to the Steelers, January, 2006
My personal favorite.
“It is what it is, we are what we are. It’s not like basketball where you can play on both sides of the ball. You can only control when you are out there.”
- Peyton Manning after the Colts loss to the Texans, December, 2006
My other personal favorite. Yes, I can have two. My blog!
“Here we are, I’m out at my third Pro Bowl, I’m about to go in and throw a touchdown to Jerry Rice, we’re honoring the Hall of Fame, and we’re talking about our idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth off. The sad thing is, he’s a good kicker. He’s a good kicker. But he’s an idiot.”
- On then Indianapolis Colts kicker, Mike Vanderjagt, February 2003
…well, I can’t really argue with that. Like I even needed to say who he was talking about.
“If your team is going to win, you need to play better than the other quarterback.”
- ESPN Interview, August 2001
…insert Tom Brady joke here.
“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”
- Manning’s favorite quote, coined by Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll
Is this what it looks like when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing?
And of course, the newest addition to the family:
“It seems like for so long it’s been ‘Colts win’, but then ‘Peyton Manning loses’. Either give me all the credit when we win or give the team the blame when we lose. The way it should be is Colts win or Colts lose. That’s the way I always thought it was.”
- After Colts victory over the Ravens on Sunday
Cue the violin, cue the tears, cue the whining! Just don’t cue any surprise from this blogger that Peyton Manning said something like this. We’ve been here before. We’ll be here again soon. I’m guessing Sunday evening.
Separated at Birth: Peyton Manning, and Mumble from ‘Happy Feet’.
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I know…the resemblance is frightening.
Admittedly, this would be much cooler if I could combine footage from ‘Happy Feet’ of Mumble dancing, with film of Twinkle Toes Manning skipping around the pocket under pressure. However, I’m not that smart and/or motivated.
Reason Number 13 Why I Hate Peyton Manning: He’s the Modern Day Version of Dan Marino.
…and if there’s anyone I hate more than Peyton Manning, well by golly, it’s Dan Marino.
Picture looks familiar, doesn’t it?
Dan was a 9-time Pro Bowler, career passing efficiency rating of 86.4, and holds 17 NFL records.
He also had an 8-10 record in the playoffs.
Sound familiar, doesn’t it?
Marino is currently featured in advertisement campaigns for Hooters, Nutrisystem weight loss programs, Maroone car dealerships, and Papa John’s.
Sound familiar, doesn’t it?
Marino is currently looking to set another record for ‘Worst NFL Talk-Show Commentator’ on TWO programs: ‘Inside the NFL on HBO’, and ‘The NFL Today’ on CBS.
Trust me, in 10 years, this will sound familiar.
In fact, brace yourself now for Dan Marino AND his protégé on the same NFL show, exchanging witty barbs like these:
Dan: “I was the better regular season QB!”
Peyton: “No, I was the better regular season QB!”
Dan: “I blew more big playoff games than you did!”
Peyton: “No, I blew more big playoff games than you did!”
Dan: “I sponsor crappier products than you sponsor!”
Peyton: “…well shucks Dan, you got me there!”
Then they exchange fake laughs and slap each-other on the back while Cris Collinsworth hangs himself.
Then again, perhaps they won’t get along so well, since Dan doesn’t seem to care to be associated with Peyton Manning. Which leads me to one of the greatest YouTube clips I’ve ever seen: the infamous Boomer Esiason ‘Peyton Manning is this generation’s Dan Marino’ quote during the 2004 playoffs on The NFL Today.
If you haven’t seen it before, you’re in for a treat. If you have, watch it again, and realize this:
- Dan knows that he’s on camera right after Boomer drops the bomb, so he must try to act like he’s not really upset.
- For the last 3 seconds of the clip, Dan doesn’t think the camera is on him.
Those last three seconds show you everything you need to know about Peyton Manning’s predecessor.
Reason Number 28 I Hate Peyton Manning: He’s a Money Grubbing Endorsement Whore.
These days when you sit down to watch a football game, you can’t even rip a fart before you see Peyton Manning plugging some schlock on TV. Whether it’s DirecTV, ESPN, Gatorade, MasterCard, Sprint, Reebok, or Sony, there’s good ‘ol #18, looking for your cash. At least the last company makes sense. I bought a Sony HDTV, and it’s amazing how good every Peyton Manning interception looks in 1080i.
Peyton, you make think this is how you look to us on TV:
But when you’re pulling in more money from ad revenue that the GNP of Zimbabwe, you really look like this:
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Since there’s no stopping the number of products you’re willing to pitch, I have a couple more suggestions for you:
1) Greyhound Bus Lines
Slogan: “Go Greyhound! And leave the driving (over my teammates) to me!”
2) Heimlich Consulting Services
Slogan: “Can’t breathe? Dial 1-800-PLAYOFFS”
“I hate seeing your goofy face in every commercial break, Peyton.”
Sports blog dedicated to following all things related to the National Football League, the best damn professional sports league in America.
Including (but not limited to):
Hot teams, Mediocre teams, Really bad teams, Players, Cheerleaders, Coaches, GM's, Owners, Controversies, Rumors, The playoff picture, The Super Bowl, (...did I mention Cheerleaders all ready?), Free agency, The draft, League history, The media, Game day observations, Tailgating
All that, and, uh….beer. Though not necessarily in that order. Oh, and cheerleaders, too. We like cheerleaders.
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When the World gets so STRESSED: Find an alibi
New Photo by Mary MacIntyre
What a day, and a long one! I took a break and had lunch with a friend at Tecolote on Cerrillos. It hit the spot. Perfect for a cold rainy day. Day 2 of rain a [...]
Lately I Just Use Skype/Pamela One of the most common questions people ask about getting started in podcasting is 'How do you record a telephone call?'
Back in my early years as an internet radio show host, I tried every [...]
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts, vindictive evil happiness is the best
