I Hate Peyton Manning, Part 1
Monday, January 15th, 2007I love the show South Park. I remember watching the very first episode, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” over 10 years ago, and I’ve been hooked ever since (uh, not that it was the actual probing that fascinated me or anything…). Just a brilliant series, which has taken on anything and everyone in pop culture. The show doesn’t so much cross the line as smashes through it like Corey Dillon hitting the end zone, until somebody says “OK, enough - you need to stop now.” And still they just keep going. I mean, one of the major characters is a talking holiday poop, how can you not LOVE that?
Yet one of my favorite moments is a small, understated throwaway line from the movie, “South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut”. The rest of the kids are gone, and it’s just Cartman and Kenny sharing a quiet, introspective moment together. The Rocky Mountains are in the background, and there’s a light snow falling. It’s a perfect time for the kids to say something to each other that they normally wouldn’t say; something that comes straight from the heart. Kenny looks over at Cartman. Cartman looks back at him, and says:
“I hate you, Kenny.”
He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t slap him, he just tells Kenny that he hates him in one of those, “just the facts, ma’am” ways. Not a big deal, especially since Kenny accidentally lights himself on fire & dies about 5 minutes later.
If I’m ever standing next to Peyton Manning in a similar situation, I would turn and face #18, look into those big, goofy eyes of his, and say in the exact same way:
“I hate you, Peyton.”
Then I would check on him 5 minutes later, in the hopes that he had burst into flames.
How many reasons do I have to hate the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts? You’d be better off asking me how many waves there are in the Pacific Ocean, or how many stars there are in the sky. Countless. I could go on forever. But since I don’t have forever, I’ll have to settle for posting as many reasons as I can between now and the AFC Title Game this Sunday.
That’s right - all week long this is going to be one Peyton Manning hate fest. Originally, I was planning on the usual game wrap-ups & in-depth previews of both conference championship games. But let’s face it, you can go anywhere else for that stuff. Only at www.talkingnfl.com can you get your fix on pure, 100%, powder-fine, Peyton-hating cocaine; the finest quality you can import from the New England region. And for those of you who don’t like it, well it’s my blog, and (as I shake my head back and forth & hold out my hand, palm facing out) “What-evah! I’ll do what I want!”
It’s noon on Monday right now, so according to my calculations, we have just over 150 hours to get to as many reasons why I hate Peyton Manning as I can post. I figure if I eat one meal a day, sleep four hours a night, and spend the rest of the time typing (so I look like one of the South Park boys during their Warcraft marathon), I should be able to get to 1/4 of them. Fortunately, Shawne Merriman gave me some complimentary ‘Roids (seeing as he doesn’t need his anymore), so let’s ’shoot’ for 1/3 of them instead.
So I’ll be back shortly with the first of my infinite reasons why I hate Peyton Manning, who is to the NFL what Mr. Hanky is to South Park: a walking, talking, smiling piece of poop. This will be fun, really - I promise.
Oh, and if you’re out there, number 18, and if you’re reading…(pause)…
“I hate you, Peyton.”
