Talking NFL

“That’s right folks!  A win over the New England Patriots is 100% guar-un-teed!  If you are not completely satisfied with my pregame smack talk, then I will give you double your money back with no questions asked!  With T. Smith it’s always an Iron Clad guarantee!”*

* - The Anthony Smith victory guarantee contains several terms and conditions that could make the offer null and void:

- Offer not valid if Anthony Smith falls for the play-action fake and lets Randy Moss get behind him for a 63-yard TD reception (27 second mark).

- Offer not valid if Anthony Smith (and the rest of the Steelers secondary) gets caught with their pants down on a 56-yard flea-flicker from Tom Brady to Randy Moss, back to Brady to Jabar Gaffney in the end zone (1:51 mark).

- Offer not valid if the vaunted Steelers zone blitz isn’t able to sack Tom Brady once because they’re outmatched by the Patriots offensive line.

- Offer not valid if the Steelers inexplicably try to run an end around on 4th and goal and fail (horrible call - Willie Parker was averaging 6 yards a carry and they pick that moment to get cute?)

- Offer of guaranteed victory not valid if made by a player who is “young and dumb” (according to unnamed Steelers official).

- Offer not valid if Steelers fans are too busy writing posts that jinx the Patriots previous opponent (thanks Christmas Ape!).

- Offer of guaranteed victory not valid if Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots have “played against a lot better safeties” than the one making the guarantee.

- Offer not valid if guarantee of victory not made by one Joe Namath.

- Offer not valid if the team that guarantees victory isn’t as good as the one they’re playing against.

New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, Anthony Smith, guaranteed humiliation, deeply satisfying wins, 13-0, this is how you should use an asterisk Coach Shula

Yesterday, Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin held an emergency team meeting to prepare his players for their upcoming game against the undefeated New England Patriots. Talking NFL was lucky enough to come across some of the Patriots old tape recording equipment that was still in the Heinz Field locker room. Here now is a transcript of what took place at that meeting:

Coach Tomlin: “Listen up, everyone! (pause) First off, nice work handling Cincinnati this week. That was a big divisional game, and we took care of business in our house.”

(muffled cheers in background)

Coach Tomlin: “But we gotta put that behind us now! We all know what we’ve got to deal with this week…the best team in the league, the undefeated Patriots, on their field. Now I’m telling you right now that we match up with those guys better than anyone else, and we’ve got as good a chance as anyone to take ‘em out!”

(bigger cheers in background)

Coach Tomlin: “Now all I need from you guys this week is two things! Just two! You bust your butts in practice, and whatever you do…do NOT say ANYTHING bad this week! You understand me?”

(pause)

Willie Parker: “You mean like (explicative deleted), (explicative deleted), or (explicative deleted)?”

Coach Tomlin: “NO! I mean about the Patriots!! Do not give them ANY bulletin board material this week, you understand me?!”

Team: “Yes sir!”

Coach Tomlin: “Everybody’s been talking smack about the Pats this year! Everybody! Players, coaches, journalists, washed up cranky old guys, everybody! What morons! You know what they do after somebody talks smack about them? They rip their throats out! Hell, it happened to us before! Hines, you were there - how did that work out in the ‘01 AFC Championship game?”

Hines Ward: “Terrible, sir! The worst football loss in my life!”

(pause)

Coach Tomlin: “So why are you smiling?”

Hines Ward: “I always look like this.”

Coach Tomlin: “Whatever. The point is, do not say anything dumb! Do not insult them in anyway! Understand? Yes, question?”

James Farrior: “So I can’t get miked-up like I did for the ‘04 AFC Championship Game and just start yapping at them for NFL Films? Because that was fun! Well, until we started getting killed. Then it sucked. (under breath) Man, that was a bad idea…”

Coach Tomlin: “Absolutely not! Ugh. Look, if the media starts asking you questions, just start talking like the parents in those Peanuts cartoons.”

Troy Polamalu: “Hey, did Charlie Brown ever get with that little red-haired girl-”

Coach Tomlin: “No more questions! Just don’t say anything dumb for the next few days, that’s all I’m asking!! It’s not that hard! Is everyone with me? Does everyone-”

(pause)

Coach Tomlin: “Where’s Anthony Smith at?”

Ike Taylor: “Oh, he’s talking with some dude from the AP at his locker. Why?”

Coach Tomlin: “@#$^&%*!!”

(Tomlin sprints towards the locker room)

Alan Faneca: “Hey, you just said not to say anything dumb!”

Casey Hampton: “Dude, you think Tony just screwed up?”

Coach Tomlin: (from the locker room)
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Ben Roethlisberger: “Who cares. You heard coach, we just can’t SAY anything dumb. I’m getting out of here & buying a new Harley.”

NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, bulletin board, poke the bear, Anthony Smith, DB guarantees win vs Pats, best headline ever

During the Pittsburgh Steelers 24-10 victory over the Cincinnati Bengals last night, wide receiver Hines Ward set a team franchise record by catching his 64th career touchdown pass, surpassing Hall of Famer John Stallworth.

To help celebrate this accomplishment, Talking NFL presents a look back at the many different faces of Hines Ward at various times in his NFL career:

With nearly every sports writer in the country still focused on Sunday’s battle royal, last night the Pittsburgh Steelers loudly screamed, “PAY ATTENTION TO US, GUYS!!”

Ben Roethlisberger had a career night on offense (5 TD passes), and James Harrison had one on defense (3.5 sacks, an INT, a fumble recovery, 9 tackles), as the Steelers destroyed the Ravens 38-7 in front of numerous past Steeler greats gathered to celebrate the team’s 75th anniversary.

(Incidentally Harrison now has 2.5 more sacks and one more INT that the guy he replaced, Joey Porter.  One of the reasons why the Steelers are a consistently good team year after year; they know when to cut ties with veterans and they have good, young players waiting in the wings to replace them.)

While the Ravens were able to hold Willie Parker in check, they couldn’t contain Big Ben.  His elusive scrambling ability and accuracy throwing on the run gave Ray Lewis & company fits all night long.  He looks like a much better quarterback than the one who threw three interceptions against the Patriots in the 2004 AFC Championship Game.  Because of this, and their suffocating defense (as I mentioned on Sunday), the Steelers look like the prime candidate to play spoiler to the Patriots quest to go undefeated.  

But even more interesting is the possibility that the Steelers could…uh…steel the #2 AFC seed from the Colts (sorry, that was terrible).  Currently, the Steelers are 6-2 and one game behind the 7-1 Colts.  Let’s look at the remaining schedule for both teams:

Pittsburgh

Cleveland (5-3)
at NY Jets (1-8)
Miami (0-8)
Cincinnati (2-6)
at New England (9-0)
Jacksonville (5-3)
at St. Louis (0-8)
at Baltimore (4-4)

Take the Patriots out of the equation, and Pittsburgh’s remaining foes are 17-40.  So 13-3 certainly isn’t out of the question.

Indianapolis

at San Diego (4-4)
Kansas City (4-4)
at Atlanta (2-6)
Jacksonville (5-3)
at Baltimore (4-4)
at Oakland (2-6)
Houston (4-5)
Tennessee (6-2)

Indy certainly has a few cream puffs in there, but next week’s Chargers game and the season finale against a strong Tennessee team will be tough contents that they could certainly lose.

So for argument’s sake, let’s say both the Steelers and the Colts finish 13-3, behind the Patriots.  The first playoffs tie-breaker is moot, since they don’t play each other.  The 2nd tie-breaker is their divisional record.  Both teams are currently 3-0, and the Colts certainly have the tougher foes left.  But for arguments sake, let’s say they draw there as well.  The next tie-breaker is common opponents.

…and if the Steelers were to beat the Patriots in Foxboro, then they’d have the upper hand over the Colts.

Hey, it’s all speculation at this point, but it’s also worth noting that the Patriots/Colts AFC Championship Game rematch isn’t a given at this point.  Yes, the Steelers have losses against two sub-par teams (Cardinals and Broncos), but last night they served notice that they deserve the #3 spot in the conference.  The question is whether or not they can move up to the #2 position.

Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens, AFC, New England Patriots, Indianapolis Colts