Talking NFL

All right, back to it:

(9) Detroit Lions (2-0).  Jon Kitna apparently has been touched by “the hand of God.”  According to the Official Talking NFL PowerMatic 5000, a deity healing your injuries bumps you up exactly 4 spots.

(10)-(12) Texans, Packers, and Redskins.  They’re all a surprising 2-0, so let’s put together in a 3 way tie for 10th.  Feel the love!

(and, no, we’re not putting a 1-1 team in front of these guys.  That’s another thing I can’t stand about Power Rankings.  Like the Tuna said, “you are what you are.”  Unless a team and/or coaching staff is astoundingly good or bad, you stay with what the record is.  Actually, hold that thought…)

(13)-(24) All the 1-1 teams. (Except for the Chargers)

(25)  Oakland Raiders (0-2).

(26)  San Diego Chargers (1-1).  Did I do that just to piss these guys off?  Guilty as charged!

(27)  Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins (0-2).  Grouped together to get the numbers back on track.  All bad, but not as bad as…

(27)  Kansas City Chiefs  (0-2).  Let the Herm Edwards watch begin.

(28)  New York Giants   (0-2).  Let the Tom Coughlin watch
begin continue.

(29)  New Orleans Saints  (0-2).  America’s team needs to get it in gear.

(30)  Atlanta Falcons  (0-2).  I’m still a fan of Bill Simmons, but if he’s going to pick these guys as his surprise sleeper team, then he might as well go for broke & pick Britney Spears as Comeback Artist of the Year and President Bush as Executive of the Year.

(31)  Chlamydia.

(32)  New York Jets (0-2).  Suck it, ManJudas!

(4,657,890)  Orenthal James Simpson.

(DEAD LAST)  New England Patriots *(2-0)*.

Yeah, that’s right - DEAD LAST!  Those candy @sses haven’t shown me a damn thing!  76-28 in their first 2 games.  Pffft.  Cheater!  Cheater!  Pumpkin Eater!  Bet they cheated Sunday night.  I don’t care how far up their butts those NBC Cameras were.  Belichick has those Jedi mind powers like Jabba the Hut.  Plus he can see through walls & change shapes at will.  Sooooo not fair!

See how I put asterisks around their record?  That implies the record was not earned justly and fairly.  Oh yeah - I so went there!  And f you NY Post, I have a patent pending on the DOUBLE asterisk.  I figure that way you can imagine they’re a pair of boobs when you look at ‘em.  

Don’t believe any of that garbage Tedy Bruschi, Roosevelt Colvin or Tom Brady were spouting after them game for a second.  They’re all liars and thieves, I tell you!  The New England Patriots are a collective bunch of fraud losers, and I refuse to move them from DEAD LAST until I see some conclusive evidence that they deserve to be number one!  (Like, say, a 4th Lombardi trophy.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to print this thing out in Courier 72 font and FedEx 100 copies over to Gillette Stadium; Attn: Coach Belichick, Rodney Harrison, and the rest of the cheating losers called the New England Patriots.  After that, I intend to kick back, relax and watch my boys beat the Bills 138-0.

Power Rankings, New England Patriots stink, no respect, wish I had thought of this back in January, I am Spicoli

Ah, power rankings.  An opportunity for every self-absorbed, smarmy sports writer, blogger, and bored teenager to proclaim how all teams should be ranked from 1-32, with clever little bits of analysis on each team.  Only 2 minor problems with these rankings:  (1)  They’re destined to be entirely different one week from now, and (2) they are completely, stupendously, and utterly meaningless.  Otherwise, awesome idea!

I claimed in my inaugural post that I would much rather just come out and say, “wow, the Steelers look awesome, and man do the Falcons suck.”  But since there’s about 2,436 of these tedious freaking power stanks out there, why not put a completely BS one together myself?  Hey, 95% of this entire site is BS anyways, why stop now?

So here you go; a farcical first (and probably last) Talking NFL Power Ranking Column:

(1) Denver Broncos (2-0).  Seriously, anyone can blow out a lesser team; I want to see a team handle PRESSURE!  Running onto the field with seconds left to boot the game winner and an OT victory back-to-back?  Done and done.

Besides, some people are calling Mike Shanahan’s time-out just before the Raiders field goal attempt bad sportsmanship.  As a Patriots fan, I admire that.  Cheaters unite!

(2) San Francisco 49ers (2-0).  2 close wins, just in the weaker conference.  Therefore, the 49ers are the 2nd best team in the league.

And spare me your comments of incredulity.  In fact, let me save you the trouble:

Commenter Flacido Domingo: The 49ers at #2???  WTF?!  They should be 0-2!!

Me:  But they’re not.  They’re 2-0.  Now go away often.

EGO ALERT!  Will you look at that!  The same two teams that will play in Super Bowl XLII (according to my brilliant preseason predictions) are 1-2 in my power poll!  Obviously, I am the greatest sports blogger in the history of mankind!  Please excuse me whilst I perform fellatio upon myself:

….

And we’re back!

(3) Indianapolis Colts (2-0).  I gotta admit, those catchy Peyton Manning ads are finally starting to grow on me.  Like an infected boil on my scrotum.

(4) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0).  Would’ve had ‘em higher were it not for those throw-upback uni’s:

And don’t forget their mascot, Steely McDouchey!  Har Har!

(5) Dallas Cowboys (2-0).  I care not of their wins over 2 poop-tastic foes.  I care of Romo’s lady friend, one Carrie Underwood:

Although she needs to dress in a more slutty sexy fashion.  Let’s get her some help:

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