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Clinton Portis Has a Fuzzy Grasp of the U.S. Legal System

by Brian

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick (that’s official, by the way, his first name is now ‘Embattled’) got some good news this weekend; fellow NFL star Clinton Portis came to his defense regarding those dog-fighting accusations.  The bad news?  Clinton’s line of reasoning regarding said charges:

Just to re-state for the record:

Portis: “I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it’s his property and it’s his dog. If that’s what he wants to do, do it.  You know, what people do behind closed doors…”

Channel 10 Reporter Mary Mallonee: “But that’s a felony. It’s a crime.”

Portis: “It can’t be too bad of a crime.”

Hate to break it to Mr. Portis, but every felony is kind of bad.  Perhaps one day, we’ll have more lenient criminal laws, according to “Coach Janky Spanky”:

Totally not serious felonies, dude: Dog-fighting, smoking ganja, going 5-11 with the league’s highest payroll.

Sort of bad felonies: Espionage, pulling a Pacman, anything done by a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

So not cool felonies: Mass murder, dropping a deuce and not flushing, forcing fans who don’t pay for stadium parking to walk a mile and a half.

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Posted in General on May 22nd, 2007

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