Talking NFL

Hey, I got my first fan letter! I’m so excited; I decided to post it for all to see….

Dear Brian,

I just found out about your website, and I thinks it’s really neat. That picture of Pamela Andersen’s boobs was great; although I’m not sure why you’d put that on a football site…do you not get much sex?

Anyways, the reason I’m writing is that I’m hoping you can help me out. Lately, I’m feeling very misunderstood by my friends and co-workers. Just this week, several of them said some really bad things about me. (Oh, sure, they didn’t mention my name, but I know whom they’re talking about. They’re ALL out to get me…)

The problem is that everyone is very jealous of me. Especially that fat old guy with the bleached hair (I can’t remember his name; every time he starts talking to me I get sleepy…). It’s understandable. After all, I’m the greatest NFL player in the history of the league. I’m so good that sometimes, I can’t even look at myself directly in the mirror, for fear that I will turn myself into gold (just like that mythical creature, Medusa). Sometimes, when I’ve been talking after a game for a while, one of the lower class humans (reporters), throws’s up on themselves. They just cannot be in the same room with a presence like me. I feel bad for them, but then it smells really bad, and I ask security to kill them.

To make matters worse, I didn’t even make the Pro Bowl this year! I was so upset, I had to buy another Ferrari. Doesn’t everyone realize that I lead all wide receivers in the league with touchdown catches? Somebody told me yesterday that it might be because I also lead the league in dropped passes, threw yet another quarterback under the bus, alienated all of my teammates, nursed a sore hamstring way too long a the start of the season, wore a gay looking bike outfit to practice, did sit-ups in my driveway for the press, have a royal douchebag as an agent, and tried to kill myself. I replied with, “Shut up, mom, and go make my fruit smoothie!”

Well, since I’m trying to get my beautiful face on every media outlet known to mankind, I was hoping you could do a feature on me. You know, maybe three times a week (do you think that’s enough?). You could do stories on who has it tougher - me or important world leaders; or why I’m better than LT, Tom Brady and Marvin Harrison combined. I think this is a great opportunity for you, and I hope you take it. If you don’t, you’re a stupid head like everyone else, and you’re not worth my time.

With love and respect,

Terrell Owens

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Dear Terrell,

Thanks for your kind words. I’m very sorry to hear you feel misunderstood. I promise to post your letter on my site.

Now I have a favor to ask of you: please stop talking. Right now. For a very long time. Thanks.

-Brian