(l to r: John Tomase, Matt Walsh, Arlen Specter)

Yesterday marked the long awaited meeting between NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and former Patriots employee/knife booby-trap aficionado Matt Walsh. Yet while many people (Jets fans, Tony Dungy, Mark Schlereth) drooled over the possibility that a damning videotape of the Rams walkthrough practice before Super Bowl 36 might surface, the smoking gun was not to be found. But don’t give up hope, Patriot haters: word is they still haven’t checked Marvin Harrison’s house.

Meanwhile, with the equivalent of a five-egg western omelette on their face, the Boston Herald did the only thing they could courageously came forward and “owned up” to their butcher job on Spygate (in the faint hopes that Mr. Kraft doesn’t sue them into extinction). My initial thought was to post part of the apology here, but after reading through some of the comments about the article, publishing some of them instead looks like much more fun!

So here’s a sampling of the reaction from Patriots nation to the anonymous, cookie cutter “mea culpa” offered by the Herald:

- “Worst newspaper ever.”

- “Boston Herald = National Enquirer”

At this point, it appears that over 50% of the commenters are calling for the resignation of one John Tomase. Pro Football Talk brings up a great point that there are two other culprits here; one being Tomase’s editor, the other being his source. Although Tomase hasn’t confirmed anything yet, that source was most likely Matt Walsh. Which of course begs the question; if Walsh lied about having the walkthrough videotape, what else has he lied about? How exactly is he a credible witness?

Anyways, it’s great to finally put this completely overblown story to rest once and for all. And no, I could care less what Arlen “Comcast errand boy” Specter has to say tomorrow, unless he announces that he’s figured out a way to bring our troops home from Iraq, restructure our dreadful energy policy, and keep social security from going bankrupt in 15 years.

Spygate is dead. Long live the Patriots legacy.

Spygate, New England Patriots, Matt Walsh, Boston Herald, vindicated, I’m back bitches

As you may have heard by now, a true legend of the game decided to hang up his cleats for good this week. And Brett Favre retired as well.

Kidding of course. Both Warren Sapp and #4 deserved their moment, as they both rode off into the sunset (and a future meeting in Canton five years from now). And they were just as different in the ways they said goodbye as the positions they played on the field.

Brett Favre presided over a packed press conference, and became quite emotional as he announced that he was through playing for the Green Bay Packers.

(if you listen very closely near the end, you can hear Aaron Rodgers holler, “yipee!”)

Meanwhile, Warren Sapp’s announcement (originally posted on his website as “I’m done!”) was much more subdued. In fact, he was cracking jokes and explaining why he wouldn’t take up golfing on PTI:

So since we’re all ready heavy on the videos in this posting, here’s a couple of highlights for both players. First, Favre’s 82-yard TD bomb to Greg Jennings in overtime against the Broncos this season:

Next, the only TD reception of Sapp’s career with the Bucs, and one of the funniest end zone celebrations you’ll ever see. He dedicated the dance to Beyonce, but as YouTube user reedkeys remarks, you’ve never seen her dance like this before!

On Monday, the New York Jets signed offensive lineman Damien Woody to a 5-year, $25 million contract, with a reported $11 million in guaranteed money. Here now is the exclusive behind the scenes transcript of what took place earlier this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey…

________________________________________

Woody’s Agent: “Hey, boys, howareya? Good ta see ya. Before we get started, can I make sure this parking gets validated-”

Mike Tannenbaum: “You’re fine. Let’s cut to the chase.”

Woody’s Agent: “All business eh, Mikey? I like it. Like it alot! All righty then, introducing your new Pro Bowl right tackle, Mr. Damien Woody! C’mon in, Big D.”

(ground shakes - Damien enters)

Damien Woody: “Achuta.”

Eric Mangini: “Say what?”

Damien Woody: “Wanta dah boga noga?”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Is he retarded?”

Damien Woody: “Da beesga coo palyeeya pityee bo tenya go kaka juju hoopa!”

Woody’s Agent: “Don’t mind him boys, he speaks Huttese. You’ll need a translator in the huddle, that’ll cost ya extra.”

Eric Mangini: “Whatever. Can you just explain the offer to him please?”

Woody’s Agent: “Abso-freakin’ Smurfly!” (to Damien) “D, these gentlemen would like to extend you a $25 million dollar contract to play for the New York Jets. How’s that sound?”

(pause)

Damien Woody: “Hou, hou, hou! Bargon wanchi kox paa!”

Woody’s Agent: (whispering to Damien) “Shut up, D! These clowns are offering over twice as much as any other team out there! Don’t screw this up!!”

Damien Woody: “Oh. Sekak tirin karas kanuta.”

Woody’s Agent: “He accepts!”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Wonderful, now can he sign the contract, please?”

Woody’s Agent: “Hell, yeah! Here’s a pen there, Big D-”

Damien Woody: “Ooh! Smak Telia!”

(Woody eats the pen)

Eric Mangini: “Good God.”

Woody’s Agent: “Whoops! Ha, ha, very funny, D. Sorry guys - just gimmie the contract and he’ll sign it later.”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Uh, sure. Here you go-”

Damien Woody: “Ooh! Waffmula!”

(Woody intercepts the contract and eats it)

Eric Mangini: “Hmmm…nifty feat for a big guy…”

Mike Tannenbaum: “You know, on second thought maybe this isn’t such a good idea-”

Woody’s Agent: “Now wait just a GD minute there! We had a deal! And Damien Woody is ready to commit to the Jets! Damien Woody is a Pro Bowl talent and you should feel privileged to be in the same room with him! Damien Woody is-AACK!”

(Woody eats his agent)

Damien Woody: “Duble maskie peedunky.” (belches) “OOOH!” (eyes Mangini, starts drooling) “Lickmoomoo!”

Eric Mangini: “AAH! Help me, Mike!!”

Mike Tannenbaum: “Just keep him distracted, fatty! I’ve got an idea!” (gets on the intercom) “Marcy, get Dewayne Robertson in here, right away!”

Damien Woody, New York Jets, free agency blunders, worse than the Tommy Kelly contract

With free agency less than 24 hours away, we’re taking a look at one of the most intriguing group of players ready to hit the open market. In 2007, the Patriots wide receivers combined for a gaudy 292 receptions, 3,814 yards and 39 touchdowns. However, the only guys under contract for 2008 are Wes Welker and Chad Jackson, and Chad Jackson didn’t catch a single one of those passes last year. Here’s the Talking NFL rundown on each pending free agent, and the almost certain to be wrong call on who’s hanging around Foxborough, and who’s not…

1. Randy Moss: 98 rec, 1,493 yds, 23 TDs

All eyes are on the “other 81″ to see if he stays with Tom Brady or goes for straight cash, homey. If this was the Moss of three years ago, I’d say he’s gone. But he did his time in purgatory (read: the Raiders), and you get the feeling that he knows just how good he has it in New England.

If he were to leave, it would have to be for BOTH big dollars and to a team with a star QB. Indy and Dallas are doubtful with stars like Reggie Wayne and T.O. all ready in place. Pittsburgh is interesting with Big Ben’s off-season whine request for wideouts who are taller than the not-so-diminutive Hines Ward, but they’re pretty tight against the cap as it is.

This one just seems to make too much sense to both sides not to get done. The only question is for how many years. Randy will be 31 at the start of next season, and even superstar receivers like him have a tendency to hit the wall at age 35. Under his old contract with the Raiders, he was scheduled to make $11.25 million in 2008. He’ll take a bit of a discount to stay with the Patriots, but not by much. And the Patriots will splurge a bit to keep him.

Prediction: Stays with Patriots, signs 4-year contract worth $36 million

(Update: Just after posting this, I saw this article by Sean Jensen over at AOL Sports. If he’s right, then I’m off by one year and about $6 million.)

2. Donte’ Stallworth: 46 rec, 697 yds, 3 TDs

If it weren’t for Randy Moss, I’d say that Donte’ would be staying. They were tied on average yards per catch at 15.2, and Donte’ was at times absolutely electrifying after the catch. He brought a play making ability that reminded many of a healthy Deion Branch.

However, he disappeared for long stretches, had some key drops, and lost more 1-one-1 matchups than he should have. The Patriots have all ready declined to pick up the optional years on Donte’s contract, and he will surely see some interest in the open market.

Prediction: Leaves Patriots, signs with Baltimore Ravens

3. Jabar Gaffney: 36 rec, 449 yds, 5 TDs

While most fans (including myself) expected Wes Welker to become the next Troy Brown, it was actually Jabar Gaffney who morphed into the key #3 option and 3rd down possession receiver that Brady frequently sought out in a pinch.

After a solid ‘07 campaign, Jabar could certainly look to cash in during free agency. However, there’s a few mitigating factors here: first, it was the Patriots who picked Jabar up off the scrap heap in 2006 when nobody else wanted him. Second, he spent the first four years of his career with the hapless Houston Texans, and you know he’ll think twice about signing with yet another potential basement dweller. He’s all ready won more games playing with the Patriots in 1 1/2 years than he did during his entire career with the Texans.

It’s true that the Patriots won’t overpay for a mid-level player like Gaffney, and that the free agent market on wide receivers is rather bare, so a better monetary offer should be out there. But this is another one that seems like it makes too much sense for both sides to pass up.

Prediction: Stays with Patriots, signs 5-year contract worth $17 million

4. Kelley Washington: 0 rec, 0 yds, 0 TDs

Of all the Patriots wide receiver free agents to-be, Kelley Washington’s case is the most fascinating. Looking only at his stats above, you’d figure that the Patriots would cut ties after his one-year test contract and never look back. But Kelley was a standout special teams player, frequently downing the ball within an opponents 5-yard line, and registering a key block against the Jets in Week 15.

In addition, just like Moss and Gaffney, Washington has done his time with a lesser team (and since it was with the Bengals, the doing time analogy is rather apropos…), so the Patriots are an appealing option.

I think Kelley’s future is directly linked to that of Gaffney’s. If Gaffney stays, then Kelley goes to a team that can offer him a chance to catch more balls. If Gaffney leaves, then the Patriots give him that chance in New England. So for this scenario, I say he goes, unfortunately…

Prediction: Leaves Patriots, signs with Tennessee Titans

5. Troy Brown: 557 rec, 6,366 yds, 31 TDs (career)

It may happen next week, it may not happen until July. But a some point this year, there will be an announcement from Gillette Stadium that Troy Brown has retired after 14 seasons with the New England Patriots. When it happens, I will join the rest of Patriot nation and send a note of thanks and congratulations to the consummate team player who did whatever his coaches asked of him, and came up huge in some of the biggest games in NFL history.

Prediction: Leaves Patriots, rides off into the sunset

Before the basement dwellers of the NFL can binge on the feast that is free agency and the draft, they must first purge themselves of the dead weight they carry on their roster (like those extra 10-15 pounds one gains after the holidays). In recent days, the lowly Miami Dolphins and Atlanta Falcons have projectile vomited away team members in a way that would make a fraternity pledge who just attempted his first funnel jealous.

Let’s take a look at the damage…

Miami Dolphins:

Number of Cuts Made - 10

Notable Names - QB Trent Green, WR Marty Booker, LB Zach Thomas

Estimated Cap Savings - $14 million

Analysis - Obviously the big news here is the release of 12-year veteran and Pro Bowl regular Zach Thomas (on Valentine’s Day, no less - how’s that heartbreak treating you Miami?). While it may seem a cold way to treat such an integral part of the team, business is business. And it’s simply good business to let go of a soon to be 35-year old linebacker with concussion issues in order to clear about $5.5 million in cap room. Even if that means he may go to your hated division rival (and make me look like a genius slightly less of a moron).

Atlanta Falcons:

Number of Cuts Made - 7

Notable Names - QB Byron Leftwich, TE Alge Crumpler

Estimated Cap Savings - unknown

Analysis - Much like Zach Thomas, Crumpler was an All-Pro veteran who was limited in productivity this year by injuries. He should also be scooped up quickly by another team (the Seahawks immediately come to mind as a good fit).

What’s more, the blood letting could be just beginning over in Atlanta. New General Manager Thomas Dimitroff indicated that after the cuts the Falcons have about $17 million in salary cap space, but Arthur Blank has stated he wants to have $23 million ready to roll in free agency.

Meaning that other veterans like Warrick Dunn and Lawyer Milloy might not want to get too comfortable just yet…

Well kids, with the always underwhelming Pro Bowl in the rear-view mirror, and pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training this week, we can officially sign off on the 2007 NFL campaign. As a still devastated member of Patriots nation, I think it’s finally time to move on (in other words, go Red Sox!).

To begin working through the pigskin withdrawal process, here’s two prescriptions: first, links to the two-part post I wrote this time last year entitled Post Traumatic Football Season Disorder. Click here for Part 1, and click here for Part 2.

Second, the annual SI Swimsuit Issue has arrived, and god bless the folks over a Sports Illustrated for providing me with such a convenient crossover to my favorite off-season topic - NFL Cheerleaders! That’s right, they’ve dedicated an entire section to twelve lovely ladies who patrol the gridiron sidelines.

The best part? The New England Patriots are well represented by the lovely Ms. Meghan White, while the New York Giants do not have a featured cheerleader! In fact, the New York Giants have NO cheerleaders whatsoever, which is simply un-American. Advantage, New England!

(and yes, I realize this kind of taunting falls under the “desperate grasping at straws” category…ugh)

So be sure to swing by the SI Swimsuit site - the lovely ladies there should help warm that cold, dead space left in your heart by the departure of another football season. Heck, they’ve even teamed up with YouTube to offer up some video goodness…

(even if the archaeologist turned super model bit is a tad archaic. HA! Archaic! Get it? Ah…nevermind.)

Anyways, we’ll have some more off-season goodness next week. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

Hey, congrats to the Giants. And Eli Manning. Unbelievable, but they did it.

As for the Patriots, you know what? Yes, they lost the Super Bowl. But this is a team that went 18-0, and won three Super Bowls this decade. I’m sad that they lost, but I’m still extremely proud to be a Patriots fan. They fought hard all year long, and almost did something that no other team that history has done before.

…and the chick that Brady bangs tonight is 20 times hotter than whatever Eli drags back to his room in Phoenix. So there.

And since someone is handing me a bottle off Yeager to down, I’m going to leave you now. Honestly, not sure when (or if) I’m coming back!

OK, about that pick. Earlier in the week, I posted 31-21 Patriots on the 451 Press bulletin board. I’m altering it slightly for three reasons:

(1) The Patriots offense vs the Giants secondary. The Giants have some great personel, but this is the biggest mismatch of the game - a game that will be played in dome conditions (they’re closing the roof in Phoenix Stadium). If you’re the Giants, whatever you try to take away on defense means that someone else is open. If they double Moss, than Welker is open. They double Welker, then Brady hits Gaffney or Faulk out on the flat. If they target Faulk, then Brady goes back to Moss (you get the point).

(2) The above mentioned bulletin board material.

(3) Coach Belichick. A historian of the game, you know he’s as prepared as possible for his place in the record books, thanks to the two week wait AND the fact that the Patriots played the Giants just over a month ago. I mean, come on. That’s just too much of an advantage for the evil genius.

I say the Giants keep it close for…oh…about a quarter or so. Then Brady goes deep to Moss, the Pats go up by two scores, the Pats D puts some pressure on Eli, he throws a pick to Samuel…

and let the good times role.

Patriots 38 - Giants 17

Finally, Super Bowl weekend has arrived! No more reports on the most publicized right ankle in football history, no more wedding proposals at Media Day, no more bizarre fan videos, and finally - no more outlandish predictions on the final score!

Well…actually that’s what this post is all about.

Earlier this week, I decided to poll my fellow writers here at 451 Press on who they thought would win the game and by how much (along with any other crazy happenings that may occur on Sunday). Some of them are passionate football fans like myself. Some of them have a moderate interest in the game. Some of them (as you will soon see) could care less. Regardless, we’ve got multiple darts getting thrown at the wall - you’ve got to figure somebody’s going to get a bulls-eye!

Here to get us started is Brandon, who writes for MMO Gaming:

Patriots win 28-17. Manning throws 3 interceptions - one of which is returned for a touchdown in the first half bringing the score at halftime to 21-0.

In the second half there appears to be some life from the Giants but it is too little too late for them to make a comeback.

Granted I’m a tad biased, but I’d say we’re off to a great start! Next up is the lovely Winnie McCarthy, who follows those zany ladies on the View:

Brady trips over paparazzi trying to get into the stadium and injures foot. Still throws six touchdown passes despite standing on one leg.

Eli Manning has a miracle game and the Giants win 50-42. Yet, following the game, he sits on the field crying, knowing that no matter what he accomplishes, he will still not be as good as Peyton in his daddy’s eyes.

Nice! Ridiculous situations and high drama. No doubt Joy Behar approves.

Heather Scoville of Watching VH1 is, shall we say, less than enthused about Sunday’s game:

I predict I will fall asleep during the third quarter from sheer boredom over having absolutely no interest in either of the teams playing and by then the commercials suck.

Shortly after writing this, Heather confessed that she’s a Bears fan and is simply devastated by the fact that Sexy Rex Grossman might not be returning next year. Say it isn’t so!!

Lynn Little provides great advice over at SEO Dance on how to make a website more search engine friendly. Here’s her thoughts on the big matchup:

I predict that the Patriots will win by at least two touchdowns as I and the rest of the people at the Super Bowl (party) I’m attending will be wishing that the other Mississippi quarterback had made it instead.

Go Packers! Brett, please don’t retire! One more year!

I also predict that I will be saddened as I think back on the mediocre season my New Orleans Saints had and how close they were last year to being in the Super Bowl. *sigh*

Ah, another Brett Favre fan! Lynn, I hope you read my in-depth interview with Coach Mark McHale, author of “10 to 4, Brett Favre’s Journey”, on sale now!

/shameless self promotion

Looking for some good healthy recepies? Be sure to check out Shelly’s Earthly Eating!

Patriots mysteriously don’t show up for the game and the Giants win by default. And all the fans that backed up behind the Patriots, now are all Giants fans and it’s a glorious day for football. As Shelly hunts down Brian and Randi and says, “SEE I TOLD YOU THE PATRIOTS BITE!”

Hmmmm…a no show option! Well, that’s different…

Not one to be called out and back down from a challenge (like any good Patriots fan), Randi of Brad Pitt Watch (and that gives me an excuse to post a hot picture of Angelina Jolie) had the following reply for Shelly:

Patriots win - it seems like they are going to lose during halftime but they come back and pull away, thereby beating the Giants at their own game. Then, after the win, Randi and Brian meet and jump up and down for joy, completely disgusting all of the Giants fans like Shelly.

Then they go home and have hot, long, steamy sex

See, that’s the spirit I’m talking ab- wait, what?!

….but not with each other

Oh, right! Heh, heh…funny, Randi! You’re just kidding, right? You know, not that I’m interested or anything…

(crickets)

…golly, this is awkward…

Next up is Dana Granholm, longtime author of Paintball Journal and resident photoshop guru:

I kinda just want the Pats to lose. Because I loathe Brady.

Now keep in mind that Dana is a Colts fan, so that has to…

*heh heh* - wait, no - I can’t *heh heh heh*

(gritting teeth)

…..must…..not….laugh…..at….Manning….face…..

BWAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh, man…that hurts soooooo good. Sorry, where were we? Right - let’s hear from Lessa, who writes for several 451 sites (Watching Survivor among them):

I predict that I will be sitting there, minding my own business, rockin to some AWESOME commercials, and they’ll be interrupted by some idiots throwning around a ball. Inconsiderate, I tell ya! Someone’ll cheer, someone’ll cry, as grown men run around in tights and someone’ll have another runaway victory because the game ALWAYS sucks on Superbowl Sunday and I’ll be growling that they get ON with it already and BRING BACK THE COMMERCIALS!

…on a completely unrelated note, Lessa resides in Kenai, Alaska, where football is only the 25th most popular sport. What’s number 1?

Perhaps Jean Lockwood from Parenting and Religion can get things back on track:

Since I am the Pastor’s wife, and we are having a Super Bowl Party at Church…
I will be partly paying attention- in between putting videos on for kids, cleaning up spills, making sure the food is ok, taking kids to the potty, and fellowshipping (Christian slang for talking about good stuff) to the rest of the people there. In the mean time, I will be rooting for whoever happens to be winning (probably the Patriots), and watching my sexy husband (the Pastor) as he flirts with me from across the room.

…I have a Pastor’s wife joke that I REALLY want to use here, but I’m just gonna let that moment pass!

Beth Turnage of Astrology Explored has her own post up on her game prediction. Here’s her thoughts:

The Patriot’s fast and hard hitting game may find a brick wall in Giant’s slow and steady style this Sunday. A group of planets by transit (as they are in the sky) are making hard aspects to the Patriot’s sun, but an easy aspect to the Giant’s Sun, Mercury and Mars combination. Pluto, the Moon, Jupiter and Venus are sitting on the Giant’s Jupiter. Transiting Jupiter coming back to its natal placement, the Jupiter Return, is like the sun shining on you all the time. Not only will the point spread be closer than previously predicted, it looks like this is the Giants lucky year.

Now before you say anything, keep in mind that this analysis is far better than anything Emmitt Smith has said all year long…

Finally, let’s wrap things up with one of my personal favorites (the blog, not the person - altough I’m sure he’s a swell guy…). Here’s the prediction of Environmental Talk’s Mark Jabo:

Tom Petty rocks it out at halftime.

Agreed! Let’s just hope there isn’t any kind of “wardrobe malfunction”…

Do you have a prediction? Have your say in the comments…

My prediction is coming just prior to the game (gosh, whoever shall I pick?!). Let’s just say I think Giants fans will be singing this song about the Patriots come Monday!

You’re with me, Temper Tantrum!

Let’s be fair to the Swami; he’s not the only famous anchor to lose his cool with the production crew:

Or with ESPN, for that matter…

(note: if the Berman clip has been pulled, you can see it over at Deadspin. They have it permanently embeded. God Bless them…)