Talking NFL

“You’re not, you’re not good, Al. You stink.”
- Ty Webb, Caddyshack

And with that, let’s look at 4 teams team destined to not be good in ‘07:

1)  Kansas City Chiefs
Two things stand out about the Chiefs.  First, break out the Viagra and the Centrum Silver, because these guys are getting up there.  In fact, they could be on the verge of one of those seasons where all the key guys get old & hit the wall at the same time.  Trent Green (37), Will Shields (35), Eddie Kennison (34), Ty Law (33), Tony Gonzalez (31).  Even frisky back-up QB Damon Huard is 33, and he’s not a lock to come back.  The mid-thirties might not sound bad in real life, but in the NFL, those are dog years.  Bad dog years.

Secondly, if you go back and watch the Wild-Card Game against the Colts (or just read the analysis), you’ll see a team that just fell flat in every aspect of the game.  The venerable Peter King of SI even called it, “truly one of the worst performances by a playoff team I’ve ever seen.”  (Don’t hold back, Peter:  how do you really feel?)  Does it mean that Herm Edwards didn’t have his boys as prepared as possible to “play to win the game?” or that the players themselves were simply over matched?  Either way, neither the coaching nor the players is changing much in ‘07.  Add this to the fact that they get both Super Bowl teams on the road this year, and I see the Arrowhead pointing downward in the win column (that was cheese, wasn’t it?  OK, fine…next…)

2)  New York Giants
Four words:  Coughlin stays, Tiki leaves.

Now, admittedly, the G-Men will not miss Tiki’s mouth, but they’re definitely going to miss those 2,127 yards of total offense.  Can Brandon Jacobs carry the load instead?  He did have a 4.4 yard per carry average, and 9 rushing TD’s.  However, the jury is still out on him as a full-time running back.

There are 2 other sub-plots to the Giants that are even more intriguing that this one.  First is the Eli Manning factor.  After 2 1/2 seasons as the starter for Big Blue, Eli’s progress seemed to stagnate last season, to the frustration of Giants fans everywhere.  Plus, with big brother getting the monkey off his back, the monkey has simply turned around & jumped onto the younger sibling, where it will continue to fester & grow until Eli leads the Giants to at least a playoff win (could than mean you’ll be seeing ‘I hate Eli Manning’ columns here in the not too distant future?  Keep those fingers crossed!).

Finally the BIGGEST sub-plot - that being the return of Tim Coughlin as head coach, combined with a new General Manager, Jerry Reese.  First, some more information about Reese’s background, care of North Jersey’s Ian O’Connor, who starts his column off with this beauty:

Jerry Reese will roll up his sleeves and dirty his hands as an NFL general manager, do not worry about that. He was about 10 when he started working in his great grandfather’s slaughterhouse in a backwoods corner of western Tennessee, shooting hogs through the eyes, cutting their necks, skinning them, making them bleed.

Holy crap!!  Guess it’s not surprising that Reese starting chopping off heads in the Meadowlands very quickly (LaVar Arrington, Carlos Emmons and Luke Petitgout were the first victims).  What IS surprising that he decided to bring Coughlin back for another year.  Oh, wait - he didn’t.  That’s right, in another example of ‘Dumb-ass Team Ownership Moves 101′, co-owners John Mara and Jon Tisch FIRST gave Coach Coughlin a one-year extension on January 10th, THEN hired a General Manager a week later.  (Seriously, do any of these guys hold MBA’s?  College degrees?  Vocational school certificates??)  So not only is Coughlin coming into the season as a lame duck coach (I know he got an extension through ‘08, but let’s face it - if the Giants don’t win a playoff game, he’s gone), but his new GM is all ready looking at the 3 Bills (Cowher, Parcells, and Belichick - again, it could happen…), while he sharpens his great-grandpa’s axe in his back office.

In the long run, Reese might be the right man for the job, but this smells like a rebuilding/reassessing year to me, where they come up short of the post-season.  And if so?  Well, let’s just say the Reign of Terror might be considered mild by comparison…

3)  Detroit Lions
Yes, I realize they finished 3-13.  No, I did not forget that the name of the column is “Teams on the Decline in ‘07″.  And yes, I’m completely serious.  Let’s look at some off-season headlines:

- Running Back Kevin Jones was diagnosed with a Lisfranc sprain and may not be fully rehabilitated in time for camp (Source:  ESPN)
…I have no idea what a Lisfranc sprain is, but it sure doesn’t sound good.

- Cornerback Dre Bly and Defensive End James Hall have asked to be traded, and the Lions have granted them permission to seek potential trade possibilities. (Source: Detriot Free Press)
…if it’s that easy, how come the rest of the roster isn’t asking for a trade?

- Damien Woody, who was fined repeatedly last year for being overweight, is going through an intensive weight-loss program but it might not be enough to save him from getting released. (Source: Sporting News)
…when your offensive lineman are on the verge of getting cut for being TOO big, you officially have a screwed up team.

- The Lions are content to go with Jon Kitna as the starter in the Mike Martz offense. (Source: ESPN)
…and when you ask, “for the love of God, why?!”, just remember:

- Matt Millen is still the Detriot Lions Team President (Source: TalkingNFL)
…last I checked, at least. Oh, and if Lions fans didn’t hate him enough allready, here’s his latest quote on the draft, care of the Detroit Free Press:

“”I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but we haven’t really looked at what people have said we should do too often.”

(stunned pause)…perhaps, maybe…you should start?

Here’s the deal - if you’re a Lions fan, you NEED to hope that they’re even worse this year.  If they go 6-10 instead, then Wacky Willy might say, “hey!  Look at that progress - they won twice as many games this year!” and keep The King of All Morons for yet another year.  Then more bad times lie ahead…

No.  The Lions need to suck again, even worse than last year.  They need to be historically bad.  They need to lose to the Bears 73-0.  They need to go winless.  They need to cause a chaotic run on paper bags in the greater Detroit area:

If that happens then maybe, just maybe, Lions fans will get their wish.  

(Right now, the guys over at Lions Fans are somberly nodding in agreement…)

4) San Diego Chargers
Why am I going with the Bolts?  Besides the fact that everyone in San Diego hates me all ready?

Might have something to do with their new head coach, Norv Turner.

Now, I have to say that, to my surprise, several well respected NFL writers; Peter King of Sports Illustrated, and both John Clayton and Michael Smith of ESPN came out in support of the hiring.  Among other reasons, they cited that Norv is a nice guy that would get along with A.J. Smith, he would be a perfect mentor for Philip Rivers, and he is the coach who originally installed the current Charger offense when he was offensive coordinator in 2001.

These are all very good, coherent reasons to back the hiring of Norv Turner.  Allow me to respond with my own well crafted counter-argument:

HE’S NORV FREAKING TURNER!

He’s got a 58-82-1 record after 8 years as a head coach!  His former players are coming out of the wood-work saying, “you’re kidding, right?”  When he was head coach of the Raiders 2 seasons ago, I took some journal notes (for my Fantasy League site) when they opened up against the Patriots.  Here’s a sample:

- The Raiders just got a penalty for 12 men on the field. Good to know that’s still Norv Turner roaming the other sideline…looked like a real coach for a while there.

- The Raiders just made yet another Raider penalty – a 15 yard personal foul after a 3 yard gain. Norv looks confused – should I yell at someone? Should I talk to the official? Should I take a shit?

Hey, don’t just take my word for it.  Here are just some of the reactions from my favorite fan site after Norv’s hiring (from the thread, ‘Norv Turner will kill the Chargers season in 2007‘):

“After all that has happened this is the best they could do!  DAMN!!!!”
“(bleep)…I wanted Ryan…This is a disappointment.”
“This is a tragedy…”
“NOOOoooooooo!!!!!!”

Fortunately, the Charger faithful caught a break when hot coaching prospect Ron Rivera was inexplicably dropped by the Bears, and A.J. Smith finally make a good coaching personnel move and scooped him up as their linebackers coach. He’ll make a great head coach in 2008.

Until then? It looks like it’s going to be another fun year in San Diego!