Talking NFL

By now, most of my 12 regular readers are probably wondering, “is this guy going to just keep ripping media figures (while performing fellatio on the websites that broke the original storylines) or is he actually going to write something on his own?”

Well, I was going to post a picture montage of NFL cheerleaders today, but oh, all right - let’s talk some football!  With the orgy of big spending winding down to that awkward moment of, “uh…do you want me to call you tomorrow, or are we good?”, it’s time to see who made out like a bandit, and who got screwed.

Unfortunately, John Clayton at ESPN and Don Banks at SI have all ready cornered the market on the ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ of free agency angle, and I’m no Ron Borges.  So instead, I’ll be awarding Mikey’s (as in Mikey from Swingers; ‘who’s the big winner here? Huh? Mikey, that’s who. Mikey’s the big winner.’) and Ace Ventura’s (’eh, l-oooser’).

(Yes, that’s different enough, and no, I couldn’t think of anything more up to date than two mid-nineties movie quotes.  For those of you keeping score, this posting is all ready a big l-oooser.)

MIKEY - Brad Johnson
$7.5 million over three years for a 38 year old quarterback?  Seriously?  Does that come with a free AARP subscription?  Good for Brad!  

Still feisty for his age as well: after signing he immediately clarified his role with the Cowboys, “I’ve never agreed with that terminology, that term: mentor.  My role is to be ready to play at any moment, and my role will be defined in time.” he then added, “like that whippersnapper Romo would even listen to an old fart like me.  Damn punk.”

VENTURA - Drew Bledsoe
On the flip side, the former Cowboys starter was dumped a week ago, and has yet to land a new job.  I’m guessing the calls between Drew and agent Leigh Steinberg are getting as uncomfortable as Mikey’s drunk dialing episode.

Drew:  ”Hey, Leigh - any word on who I’m playing for next?”

Leigh:  ”Yeah, about that Drew…”

Drew:  ”Look, I’ve been preparing for this…(sigh), I understand that…you probably couldn’t get me a starting job, right?”

Leigh:  (pause) “Yes, that’s correct.”

Drew:  ”Well then…I GUESS I’m all right with being a back-up somewhere.  If that’s what the market is, then that’s what I’ll have to do.”

Leigh:  (pause) “Yeah, about that Drew…”

Drew:  ”What?”

Leigh:  ”I can’t get you a back-up job, either.”

Drew:  ”Oh…uh…well (pause) then I GUESS I’m all right with being a 3rd string quarterback.  I don’t AGREE with it, but if that’s what the market is, then that’s what I’ll have to do.”

Leigh:  (long awkward pause) “Yeah, about that Drew…”

MIKEY - White Wide Receivers
Mike Furrey: Three-year, $9 million contract w/Lions
Drew Bennett: Six-year, $30 million contract w/Rams
Wes Welker: Five-year, $18.1 million contract w/Pats
Kevin Curtis: On deck

It’s like 1990 all over again, with the Beastie Boys and Vanilla Ice making millions on rap singles!  Let’s hope for the teams above sakes that their slices of Wonder Bread end up more like the former and not the later.

VENTURA - Randy Moss
Meanwhile, a guy who just a few years back was thought of as the premier WR in the league continues to decay in NFL hell with the Raiders.  If he wants to get out and play for another team via a trade (and the Patriots & Packers are rumored to be interested), he would probably have to restructure a contract that calls for $21 million over the next two years.

Will Randy choose the chance to win again, or ‘straight cash, homey‘?  This will be interesting…

MIKEY - Mediocre Offensive Linemen
Every so often, a certain position in the NFL seems to take precedent in the off-season (whether due to market conditions or team needs).  This year, the big uglies on the O line cashed in BIG time:

- Kris Dielman (guard): 6-year, $39 million contract w/Chargers
- Eric Steinbach (guard): 7-year, $49.5 million contract w/Browns
- Leonard Davis (tackle): 7-year, $50 million contract w/Cowboys
- Derrick Dockery (guard): 7-year, $49 million contract w/Bills

To recap, that’s $187.5 million for three guards and an underachieving tackle.  That’s some seriously expensive beef, my friends.  As opposed to…

VENTURA - Running Backs
…the guys who actually run the ball, who appear to be getting screwed by comparison.

- Travis Henry: 5-year contract with $12 million in guaranteed bonuses (full terms undisclosed) with the Broncos
- Ahman Green: 4-year, $23 million contract with the Texans
- Thomas Jones: 4-year, $20 million contract with the Jets

Even assuming that Henry’s deal totals around $25 million, that still means these guys are making (on average) less than HALF of the total money being brought in by the dudes who block for them!  So much for the days of RB’s taking their O-linemen out to dinner…

And if your child is getting ready for a football career, for God’s sake, get that ball out of his hands!  Take him to McDonald’s or Taco Bell 10 times a week and fatten that kid up! Sure, he’ll never get laid, but he’ll bring home the ‘bling’ instead!

Part 2 coming tomorrow…

Free agency, offensive lineman, running backs, wide receivers, NFL