Talking NFL

Before we begin, it’s worth noting that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning continue to duel off the field for supremacy, only this time it’s for the NFL king of outrageous tabloid news.  After yesterday’s report that Brady is going for 2, he now has a commanding lead (much like Britney Spears has at least a furlong length lead over Lindsay Lohan).  

As a Pats fan, I am now officially concerned about Tom Terrific.  The Pats just reloaded for a title run, but it’s not going to mean squat if Tom’s preoccupied with custody hearings and spending quality time changing diapers in both Brazil and LA.  At this point, I’m even encouraging an intervention - either by one of his sisters (they CAN’T be happy about this), or by his biggest adversary.  Come on, Peyton, help a brother out - with all those sponsorship contacts, can’t you get Brady in touch with these guys?

(Update: According to the Boston Herald, Gisele may not be pregnant after all. I cannot believe we live in a world where everything you read on the internet isn’t true. However, I’m still recommending Tom Brady as the new Trojan Man. Just in case.)

As for Part 2 of my Free Agency recap, I got an email asking if I was going to look at team winners and losers.  Well, again, a lot of writers have all ready covered this angle, and the pilot just turned on the ‘no plagiarising’ light, so…wait, one sec…my lawyer’s calling me:

“What?  Who?  Simmons?  Never heard of him.”

Sorry - anyways, here’s a couple of teams that flew under the radar:

MIKEY - Detroit Lions
It KILLS me to write this, but so far Matt Millen has made some smart moves (that sentence is written about as frequently as ‘the Bush administration has handled the Iraq war quite adeptly’).

They started by resigning Mike Furrey before free agency began for relatively cheap dollars.  This secures their #2 receiver spot, which is important, because now we can’t joke about what WR bust Millen will pick in the 1st round.  The Lions new they had to get rid of malcontent Dre Bly and solve their running problems due to the Kevin Jones injury.  With the Bly trade to Denver in exchange for running back Tatum Bell, tackle George Foster and a fifth-round draft choice, they solved both problems.  They also picked up defensive end Dewayne White, who is just entering his prime.

Again, on paper, these moves look pretty good.  Then again, The Munich Agreement looked like a winner at the time, and we all know how that worked out…

VENTURA - Dallas Cowboys
From a value standpoint, I HATE what the ‘Boys did in the off season, which was to sign tackle Leonard Davis, quarterback Brad Johnson, punter Mat McBriar, and kicker Martin Gramatica for roughly $70 million.  

Now, if you’re a fan of one of the teams that’s spent little or nothing in free agency (hello, Raiders), you’re probably saying, “hey, at least they’re spending money.”  Yeah, well look at that list again.  That’s like going to a strip club with $1,000 and getting 2 lap dances, a Natty Light and salmonella poisoning from the buffet, then saying, “well, at least I didn’t get shot.”

(By the way, I defy you to find another blog with a picture of Neville Chamberlain and a stripper in the same post.  Go on.  I dare you.)

OK, Let’s talk DIVISION winners and losers…

MIKEY - AFC East
As Michael Smith reported on ESPN, the AFC East went bat-shit (well, he didn’t put it that way, I did).  Every team has at least one signing to get really excited about.  While the Bills and Dolphins also dealt with some significant loses (Clements and McGahee for the Bills, McMichael and Welker for the Phins), the Jets and Pats got collectively stronger.  Which means…

THE BORDER WARS ARE BACK, BABY!  Who can’t get enough of a good New York/New England rivalry, huh?  (Besides anyone outside of New York or New England)  I LOVE the border wars!  I love that the Jets are strong again, that they mugged the Bears for Thomas Jones, and that they’re trying to steal as many players and coaches away from the Patriots as possible (well, I’m not so wild on that last bit).  I’m all ready looking forward to the next mid-field greeting between the coaches.  Perhaps Belichick will say, “hey, you like apples?  I kicked your ass again, how you like THEM apples?”  Then Mangenious head-butts him.  Can’t wait!

VENTURA - NFC East
Someone really should wake up the Eagles and Giants and let them know free agency started - have they signed anyone?  I’ve all ready discussed the ‘Boys, and as for the ‘Skins?  Well, overpaying London Fletcher at five-years and $25 million?  That’s just Snyder being Snyder…

Speaking of which (and since I’ve run out of Ace Ventura pictures):

Dan Snyder Award for Most Overpaid Free Agent:
As bad as that Fletcher signing was, it doesn’t top the Broncos coughing up $30 million for Daniel “don’t-throw-it-to-stone-hands’ Graham!  What?!  Look, I know the Broncos wanted a run-blocking TE, but that’s just nuts.  Did they notice he hasn’t played a full 16 game season yet without an injury?  I mean, I predicted the ‘Skins would pick him up for $25 million, and I was KIDDING!  Even Snyder looked at that one and said, “wow, those guys overpaid.” (OK, I’m done now)

Rodney Dangerfield ‘No Respect!’ Award:
Joey Porter.  After being released by the Steelers, many blogs (including my own) went out of the way to send a jab Joey’s way.  Well, who’s laughing now?  After signing a $32 million contract with the Fins, that would be Joey laughing.  

Which is probably why he left as gracefully as he did from the Steel City - because he was delighted to hit the open market a year early & not have to play the last year of a lame duck deal:  

“The organization has always been good to me,” Porter said in
a television interview. “It was a great run in Pittsburgh. I have
no problem with them at all. I think it was a tough decision that
they had to make, and it was one they had to make and they did it
in the right way.”

…go ahead guys, disrespect me!  No really, I want you to disrespect me.  I’m serious, it’s OK…lemme outta here…

And finally:

Mo Vaughn, ‘It’s not about the money!’ Award:
Joe Horn, after this highly entertaining video (which, according to the AOL FanHouse Blog came out after the Saints offered a reduced rate contract to Horn:)

Hey, I don’t blame Joe for being upset or having his pride hurt by the Saints.  But please don’t give us that, “it’s not about the money” crap.  IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY!  Just once, I would like to see an athlete sign a contract, step to the podium, and say, “I have to be honest with you - these guys offered me the most cash, and I said, ‘where do I sign?’” I would stand up an applaud.

Speaking of which, it’s payday, and my $2.50 check from 451press just came in the mail!  WOOHOO!  I’m gonna go by myself a pack of Twinkies.  Have a great weekend, I’ll see ya Monday.

Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Free agency, offensive lineman, running backs, wide receivers, NFL, Detroit Lions, Dallas Cowboys, Dan Snyder, Joey Porter, Joe Horn