Talking NFL

“I’M RICH, BIATCH!”

Looking for a loan to start a franchise? Need season tickets? Or just want to party like Pacman Jones? Time to start sucking up to these guys…

Nate Clements (CB): Clements leaves the Bills for an 8-year, $80 million dollar contract with the San Francisco 49ers.

You read that right, $80 million. For a guy that might not score one TD all year. Just a comparison - Nate now makes more than the CEO of Fed-Ex. When you absolutely, positively need to shut down the other guy’s #1 wideout. (How do you think Asante Samuel is reacting to this news? “No, no really, I’m happy with my franchise tag, it’s fine…sure…ok, are we off camera? Good. MOTHER-@#$%!! Nate Clements?!?! Are you @#*%% kidding me?!”) Hey, speaking of the Pats…

Adalius Thomas (LB): The other defensive prize of the free-agent class goes to the Pats. Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but the Patriots did save enough money to also sign tight end Kyle Brady, running back Sammy Morris, and put together an offer sheet for Dolphins restricted free-agent wide receiver Wes Welker.

Hold on, stop the column - this is the Patriots?! The same guys that let Vinatieri, McGinest and Branch walk last year? What happened - did Dan Snyder break into Kraft’s office on Friday and steal his checkbook? Guess not, because…

London Fletcher (LB): They signed the former Bills middle linebacker to a five-year, $25 million dollar contract. By the way, he’s 32 years old. Good to see old Daniel hasn’t lost his touch…

Visanthe Shiancoe (TE): No, that’s not the name of the next kid Brad & Angelina are adopting - it’s the former back-up tight end for the Giants, who just got a five-year, $18.2 million deal with the Vikings (presumably as a starter).

Ladies and gentlemen, our first winner of the ‘they either know something we don’t, or they don’t know what they’re doing’ free agency award! Speaking of confused…

Jeff Garcia (QB): When it comes to sports reporting and blogging, 95% of the time you need to be ready whenever the story breaks to get the jump & look good doing it. But then there’s the other 5% of the time where it actually pays off to just watch multiple conflicting reports go through & wait until the truth comes out.

So here it is: Garcia goes to the Bucs, Plummer gets traded there as well, but calls it quits instead. And poor Don Banks of SI first got it right, but then got it wrong, so now he’ll have to come out today and say, “see I was right…er, wrong. Whatever.”

NFL, free agents, signings, Nate Clements, Adalius Thomas, London Fletcher, Jeff Garcia