Talking NFL

So let’s say some schmuck from a $2 NFL site comes barging into your fan website, drops off an article ripping your entire fan base, then runs. What do you do?

You send him hate mail, of course!

And that’s exactly what the gentlemen over at “Glorify the Past…Live for the Present” did, and rightfully so after my WV Chargers post. Hey, I’ve been doing this for just under a month, doing the nice guy bit, but I started itching for a fight. So I registered for their site (Id: PepRallysRFun), dropped off my article, and waited. Didn’t talk long for the troops to assemble and come ‘Charging’ accross the border!

Now, I’ve had plenty of experience dealing with obnoxious fans and over-the-line comments (Red Sox/Yankees rivalry? Enough said), so I thought I’d pass out some grades to the Charger fans and the way they defended their honor (listed by screen name):

- Glorify

Commander-in-chief of the GTP Army (the administator), Glorify did a great job rallying the troops by starting a thread with a link to my site & encouraging everyone to take their shot. He defended the Charger honor as well, “Obviously, our idea of a fansite is not what you like. Win or lose, we have our team, and like to honor the members of our past teams.” Well spoken. Nothing extrodinary, but he did what was needed.

Grade: B+

- KillerGX

“Did you catch Mommy cheating on Daddy with aformer charger when you where just a lil boy or somethin.”

Why, yes. Actually, the entire ‘85 Charger team ran a train on my mother, sister and grandma. So THAT’s why I don’t like Charger fans! Thanks, doctor!

See, here’s my thoughts on any rebuttal that targets the author’s mom or references him performing a un-natural act on a farm animal. It means they got to you. They got under your skin, and you had to resort to the playground “you’re mother!” defense. In this case, I’m delighted, and can picture ‘KiilerGX’ screaming at his computer in his basement, at least until his mom tells him to be quiet (oops, mom reference - my bad).

However, I can’t fail him, because the “tell Reche Caldwell to keep his eyes wide open cause he’s gonna get JAMMED!!” line made me LOL.

Grade: D

- Boltson

“Come to San Diego this weekend, if you can beat my little sister in a fist fight you can have my ticket.”

Sorry, gotta wash the car, but thanks for the invite!

“Go get another one of your mom’s (bleep), your (bleep) is leaking again princess.”

Another mom joke! Definitely got to Boltson. Eeeeeexcellent…

“Before you get all emotional about all of my below-the-belt jabs, which is truly uncharacteristic of me, lets try to remember that it was YOU who threw the rules of respect out the window. Can you do that? Thanks, your a peach. Smooches.”

I’m sure it’s completely uncharacteristic, Boltson. Care for another sedative? You should probably take one, since I’ve obviously gotten to you, and now I’m going to fail you. Can you do that for me, dear? Thanks, you’re a doll. Tootles!

Grade: F

- Boltron

Grade: Incomplete

I’m dissapointed Boltron didn’t come to play, since I singled out him and his hot rod car Avatar. In fact, I was looking forward to it so much, I’m going to write his reply for him:

Glad you like the pic, Patty. But that’s not a Chevy Camaro. It’s a 1997 LT1 Chevrolet Camaro. It has a 5.7L V8 Engine, gets 275 horsepower @ 5000 RPM, and goes 0 to 60 in 4.2 seconds. Oh, and it beats the hell out of your ride:

I heard you got yours without the seat. Sit & spin, fruitcake.

See? Now that’s good smack talk. Boltron, if you’re reading, as Van Wilder would say, “write that down”.

- SD4EVER

Interesting approach here; he put the up the quote, “I remember the pre Brady days of the PATTSIES too! Here are some nice things to glorify!”, then copied and pasted the entire Chargers history onto my site. Now, since this crashed the server for 20 minutes, SD4EVER gets bonus points for that. He also correctly noted that the history of the Patriots before Belichick & Brady isn’t exactly glowing. Point taken.

However, back in the days when QB Tony Eason was cowering in the fetal position, and fans were electrocuting themselves on power-wires when carrying the goalposts down Route 1 (yes, that actually happened), we never said, “my, what a rich and storied tradition we have. Say, is the URL ‘GlorifyThePast’ available?” Also, I went through the Charger history SD4EVER provided (thank you), and I come up with a 342-365-11 record, including a 7-12 record in the playoffs.

Furthermore, the dictionary defines “Glorify” as follows:

verb (used with object), -fied, -fy·ing.
1. to cause to be or treat as being more splendid, excellent, etc., than would normally be considered.
2. to honor with praise, admiration, or worship; extol.

…so we should consider treating a franchise with a lifetime losing record as ‘more splendid’ than other teams, and ‘honor them with praise’? Survey says? XXXXXXXX!

Grade: C-

OK, let’s get to the two that were clearly at the head of the class:

- Davidthedfactor

“dont get 2 mad at the guy, he has 2 live in new england, who wouldnt be bitter.

i for one want to help out the guy, listen man…the only kind of advice i can give you is to take a flight out to san diego and see the city a little bit, and imagine how nice it would be to move from your dreary world to a paradise. i really think a couple days away from the northeast would really do your body mind and spirit some good!”

Cue the Guiness guys, because that’s “Brilliant!” What did Davidthedfactor do? He completely brushed me off. How dare he! I spent 5 hours on that article! I get paid in Doritos! I want people to pay attention to me, and you just blow the article off?! In addition, I’m looking out the window, it’s 40 degrees and raining, and I’m imagining this guy on the beach, drinking a margarita, and giving me the finger. Now I’m pissed. You know what, Davidthedfactor? My Daddy makes more money than your Daddy, so there!

Grade: A

- desertboltfan

Just a phenomenal post. I couldn’t be more impressed. The gold standard. He begins with:

“I must say that was some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long time, thanks.”

Now, even if desertboltfan (DBF) wishes me dead, he’s pretending that he enjoyed the article. Of course, I’m a sucker for a compliment, so now he has my complete and undivided attention.

He then goes on for an amazing 9 paragraphs, talking about being a “season ticket holder since 1987 taking over my grandfathers ticket when he passed away in 1986″, and how he has “a deep respect for most teams and certainly I do for the Patriots.” Now I have genuine sympathy and respect for DBF, and the guilt trip has begun. I’m officially in trouble.

Now he gives me the retorical questions, like “It’s been along time since we had the kind of opportunity we currently have and people want to get excited for away, can you atleast give us that?”, and “what harm is it that people kick up their heels alittle?” The kick up their heels comment aside, I don’t really have a good answer, and I’m really starting to squirm now.

Then he makes his move, going on the attack;

“Like it or not the Chargers very well could be the AFC representative in the Super Bowl and will your hatred of the Chargers and its fans turn you into an NFC fan for a day? I hope not, but really who gives a #%$# if you don’t, the game will go on.” Ouch, that hurt. Notice how he didn’t even swear? He didn’t need to. I’m on the ropes now, and he goes in for the kill:

“So my advice is turn down the volume on your TV Sunday, because myself 69,999 other Charger fans will be on our game. One other thing, the GTP website is a great site. It is a Charger site but is visited regularly by fans of all teams that come there and find it less restrictive and full of good football conversation. If you care to visit and get past your own petty, childish name calling and just come on as a fan looking for good interaction with other fans you my just become a regular. But like the game and the fans it will go on with or without you.”

Of course, I’m not reading by now; I’ve crawled under my desk in shame.

To close, he even emphathises with me as a fellow Red Sox fan, and wishes me luck on Sunday. Perfect. As Ron Burgundy would say, “Great story. Compelling and rich.”

Grade: A+

So, because of your post, desertboltfan, I offer you and the members of GlorifyThePast a formal apology. You are obviously dedicated fans, and while your team may not have Lombardi trophies, you do have great moments in team history that are worthy of glorification, this being chief among them:

Best of luck this weekend, gentlemen. I’m Ron Burgundy - you stay classy, San Diego.

NFL, Grading the Hate Mail, San Diego Chargers, Glorify the Past, Talking NFL, make-up sex