I Hate Peyton Manning, Part 1
I love the show South Park. I remember watching the very first episode, “Cartman Gets an Anal Probe” over 10 years ago, and I’ve been hooked ever since (uh, not that it was the actual probing that fascinated me or anything…). Just a brilliant series, which has taken on anything and everyone in pop culture. The show doesn’t so much cross the line as smashes through it like Corey Dillon hitting the end zone, until somebody says “OK, enough - you need to stop now.” And still they just keep going. I mean, one of the major characters is a talking holiday poop, how can you not LOVE that?
Yet one of my favorite moments is a small, understated throwaway line from the movie, “South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut”. The rest of the kids are gone, and it’s just Cartman and Kenny sharing a quiet, introspective moment together. The Rocky Mountains are in the background, and there’s a light snow falling. It’s a perfect time for the kids to say something to each other that they normally wouldn’t say; something that comes straight from the heart. Kenny looks over at Cartman. Cartman looks back at him, and says:
“I hate you, Kenny.”
He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t slap him, he just tells Kenny that he hates him in one of those, “just the facts, ma’am” ways. Not a big deal, especially since Kenny accidentally lights himself on fire & dies about 5 minutes later.
If I’m ever standing next to Peyton Manning in a similar situation, I would turn and face #18, look into those big, goofy eyes of his, and say in the exact same way:
“I hate you, Peyton.”
Then I would check on him 5 minutes later, in the hopes that he had burst into flames.
How many reasons do I have to hate the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts? You’d be better off asking me how many waves there are in the Pacific Ocean, or how many stars there are in the sky. Countless. I could go on forever. But since I don’t have forever, I’ll have to settle for posting as many reasons as I can between now and the AFC Title Game this Sunday.
That’s right - all week long this is going to be one Peyton Manning hate fest. Originally, I was planning on the usual game wrap-ups & in-depth previews of both conference championship games. But let’s face it, you can go anywhere else for that stuff. Only at www.talkingnfl.com can you get your fix on pure, 100%, powder-fine, Peyton-hating cocaine; the finest quality you can import from the New England region. And for those of you who don’t like it, well it’s my blog, and (as I shake my head back and forth & hold out my hand, palm facing out) “What-evah! I’ll do what I want!”
It’s noon on Monday right now, so according to my calculations, we have just over 150 hours to get to as many reasons why I hate Peyton Manning as I can post. I figure if I eat one meal a day, sleep four hours a night, and spend the rest of the time typing (so I look like one of the South Park boys during their Warcraft marathon), I should be able to get to 1/4 of them. Fortunately, Shawne Merriman gave me some complimentary ‘Roids (seeing as he doesn’t need his anymore), so let’s ’shoot’ for 1/3 of them instead.
So I’ll be back shortly with the first of my infinite reasons why I hate Peyton Manning, who is to the NFL what Mr. Hanky is to South Park: a walking, talking, smiling piece of poop. This will be fun, really - I promise.
Oh, and if you’re out there, number 18, and if you’re reading…(pause)…
“I hate you, Peyton.”
I hate Peyton Manning, South Park
January 15th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
As a trained psychologist (and given that this site is pretty much anonymous, you can’t prove that I’m not what I say), I would assess your diatribe above as a classic self-defense mechanism. You secretly love Peyton (look at that hair-cut — it’s easy to see why you do love him so) and you feel disgusted about yourself. Fortunately, your fragile psyche has turned your unrequited love into hate directed at the Man-o-licious Manning so that you can publicly avoid addmitting your dark secret.
January 17th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
[...] I Hate Peyton Manning, Part 2 January 16th, 2007 by Brian Click here for Part 1 [...]
February 2nd, 2007 at 1:22 pm
[...] Says Slate: Manning’s stardom has always been problematic. He is indisputably the best quarterback of our day, one of the greats of all time, the scion of an eminently likable signal-calling dynasty, a player who combines prodigious physical gifts and an instinctive feel for the game. And yet, on the eve of the biggest game of his career, he finds himself scorned, mocked, and generally loathed in any part of the country that is not Indianapolis, Tennessee (where he played college ball), the Garden District of New Orleans (where he was raised), or Madison Avenue (where he pitches Gatorade, DIRECTV, Sprint, ESPN, MasterCard, and Reebok, among others). A victory on Sunday, and Canton can go ahead and commission the bust. But nobody, not even Time magazine, wants to cheer for him. [...]
February 2nd, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Your statements — talking a lot without really saying anything — are nothing short of idiotic. Please say something that matters. Pathetic media members (ones who need to swallow some personal pride) keep comparing Peyton Manning to Anna Kournikova (”The Anna K of the NFL”) or Screech Powers of “Saved by the Bell” infamy or Dan Marino, and it’s all just empty talk.
Get a life.
November 4th, 2007 at 7:36 pm
i hope peyton manning eats a long diack after that loss against New England…. GO PATRIOTS
December 5th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
[...] Manning - As much as it pains me to write this, Peyton did bring home a title this year. You could also argue that he’s done more with [...]