Talking NFL

If you had asked the average American male seven years ago how they felt about one Leonardo DiCaprio, they probably would have responded the way I do now when someone asks me what I think of Peyton Manning, Super Bowl champion.  In other words, they would have puked on your shoes.

Most guys hated him.  They called him DiCrappio.  They thought he was the biggest fairy to hit Hollywood since Rock Hudson, and the worst actor since Pauly Shore.  At the time, he was best known for two movies; ‘Titanic’, the most overrated film in modern history (which, due to my unstable dating tendencies at the time, I had the misfortune of suffering through not once, but twice), and ‘The Beach’, a movie based on the excellent book by Alex Garland that Leoplond & company turned into a horrific piece of dung.

He screeched & whined his way through that disaster in a way that made Ross from friends look like Steve Austin.  Yet he was still every girl’s wet dream.  He was on the cover of quality publications like Teen People every other week, and the piercing scream made by 13-year old girls at his public appearances would make your head explode like one of those zombies from Planet Terror.  Dear god did I men hated him.

Lately, it’s been a hell of a lot harder to dislike the guy.

For starters, let’s talk about the Oscar winning flick ‘The Departed’.  Corrupt cops,  old-school mob bosses, and a plethora of unnecessary big screen violence?  High five!  Talk about your all-star lineup as well:  Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin.  They were all superb.  But who was the best?  DiCappachino.

He nailed that role.  Peter Travers from Rolling Stone Mag, called it an “explosive, emotionally complex performance”.  Couldn’t agree more.  When the Oscar nominations came out, and his name wasn’t called (although it was for ‘Blood Diamond’).  I was stunned, actually yelling out loud, “I can’t believe he didn’t get nominated!”

(For any of you who watched the HBO series Rome; remember the face Lucius Vorenus made after he almost strangled his own daughter?  That’s the face I made after uttering that last sentence…)

Now let’s talk about Leo’s women.  Actually, we don’t even need to discuss this, just read a partial list of the names carved into his bedpost:

Emma Bunton (aka Baby Spice)
Naomi Campbell
Helena Christensen (aka chick from Wicked Game video)
Sara Foster
Bridget Hall
Natasha Henstridge (aka Species chick)
Eva Herzigova (NSFW)
Alicia Silverstone
Amber Valletta
Bijou Phillips (definitely NSFW)

I mean, Oh My Holy God.  That’s an all-star lineup of supermodels (I’ll give him a mulligan on Ms. Silverstone - use her as the DH, and it’s still enough to field the hottest baseball team on the planet).  

And that’s NOT including the pièce de résistance; Gisele Bündchen, aka the current Ms. Dreamboat.

If Tom Brady doesn’t mind getting his sloppy seconds from Leo, well, how bad can the guy be, really?

And shed no tears for DiCaprio, for behold his current girlfriend, Bar Refaeli:

(Give me a second here…something just Departed my pants…)

She’s 5 years younger than Gisele, just entering her prime, has far less mileage on her, and is certainly less expensive.  Kind of like trading Drew Bledsoe for Tom Brady, huh?  (Oh, delicious irony…Scot Pioli is impressed, Leo.  Very impressed indeed.)

Lastly, there’s Leo’s tireless support for the fight against global warming.  By support, we’re not talking about throwing a few bucks at a non-profit, or making a quick commercial.  No Leo’s done a tad more; like serving on the boards of both the Natural Resources Defense Council and Global Green USA.  Like trekking to Iceland for the Vanity Fair Green Issue, see cover pic above (nice touch with the baby polar bear; chicks dig those).  Like producing, co-writing, and narrating a documentary on the state of the environment entitled The 11th Hour.

If you visit his website, it’s split into two sections; one for himself, and one directed to his eco-site, which has a myriad of links to join the fight against global warming, as well as 2 short digital movies he’s all ready made on the subject.

Were I a famous movie star such as Leo, my site would not look this way.  It would be covered with my numerous awards and nominations, have naked pictures of all the uber-models I had lay claim to, and every page would lead off with a photo of me on a throne covered in a lion’s pelt, a la LeBron James.

(Suffice it to say, it’s probably best that Leo made it and not I…)

Most impressive of all was the selection he made as his partner in crime to fight global warming.  None other that Al Gore.  Yes, Al is a self-proclaimed expert on the matter, but as far as how they look together?  Well, let’s just say that Al is a bit…awkward…by comparison.  Yet at the Oscar’s, Leo couldn’t praise the man enough, and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with him.

Seriously, this is a big deal for a guy who makes his living in a town where it’s all about who you know and who you’re seen with.  Many other actors would have said, “wait, who?  Oh, god no.  Isn’t there anyone more…thin, that I could work with?”

Not Leo.  He went with substance over style.  Knowledge over looks.  Talent over tonnage.  

By they way, if this is too much goody-goodness for some of you, let’s not forget that Leo bought himself an island, which is the dream of every red-blooded American male.  Why, what better place to keep all your supermodels & have them play naked beach volleyball for your pleasure all day long?

So to summarize:  The old Leo was a whining little Tiger Beat cover boy will limited artistic skills (think Sanjaya).  The new Leo is a kick-ass actor who goes through super models like they were beer cans and is hell bent on saving the planet.  Plus he owns his own island (think Brando in his prime).

Leonardo DiCaprio, you are the f ing man, my friend.

(wait, let me check something…yes, my penis & testicles are still there!  And I’m still attracted to women.  Thank God.  In fact, I’m going to go look for more pictures of Ms. Refaeli right now…)

Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Leonardo DiCaprio, no longer gay, TalkingNFL, still straight, I swear