I’m Ted Washington, and I’m not Happy…
I’m oooooold! And I’m not happy! I don’t like the way these damn kids today are ruining the game of football! They’re a bunch of juvenile delinquents, I tell you! We had a saying back in my day…”spare the rod, and when needed, use it to whack some sense into the child.” Worked on me, and I turned out just fine, dadgummit!
People are getting angry with the way the Commissioner is punishing players these days. Well good for him, says I! They should feel lucky, them damn lallygags. Back in my day, we didn’t have this fancy schmancy “due process”. Phooey! In my day, if someone thought they saw you stealing a loaf of bread, they chopped your arm off, right there on the spot! And if it turned out to be a mistake, they didn’t even apologize for it. They just threw your bloody severed hand back at you along with a needle and some thread. And if you started to yell, “oh, no! Look at me, I don’t have a hand!”, then they’d say, “what the hell’s wrong with you, crybaby? Your mom must have wet-nursed you too long, you fairy! Walk it off!” And that’s the way it was and we liked it!
Back in my day, we didn’t spend our money on “posse’s” or “dog fighting kennels”. Flobble-de-flee! In my day, we took our money home in a burlap sack, and we used it only for necessities, like a strong pair of work gloves. And we’d go out into the wilderness and use those gloves to kill a grizzly bear with just our hands. Then we’d skin it and eat it raw.
That made us come down with tapeworms, and we’d agonize in pain for weeks, projectile vomiting like the fat guy from Monty Python’s ‘Meaning of Life’…
And that’s the way it was and we liked it!
These damn kids just don’t know how good they’ve got it these days…back in my day, we didn’t have any “pads” or “helmets”. In my day, you got an extra helping of cotton balls and a jock strap made from dried twigs. And if someone hit you hard enough to rupture your spleen, well tough titties for you! They’d take you to the sideline, rip out your spleen, and get you back out there for the next play. Painkillers? Novocaine? Only if you got that first down, cupcake! If not, they’d bring you out back behind the barn, shoot you, burn the remains, and use what’s left as fertilizer for a new football field.
And that’s the way it was and we liked it! We loved it!
Ted Washington, Roger Goodell, Commissioner, grumpy old man, old guys rule, Dana Carvey, SNL, back in the day
August 13th, 2007 at 12:14 am
Ouch! That’s one heck of a beer belly.
But really; it’s too bad that a professional athlete allows himself to get in such shape.
After all, thousands of kids are watching and forming new ideas in their minds about how an athlete and a role model should look like.