Talking NFL

If you’re an in-demand NFL free agent, there are three ways you can approach free agency:

- You can visit the #1 team on your list, and if they give you a fair offer, sign right away and start spending that cash (see: Adalius Thomas)

- You can let a few teams get into a bidding war over you and sign a ridiculously overpriced contract (see: Daniel Graham)

- You can completely butcher the whole process the same way you butcher your hair (see below)

Let’s take a look at the step-by-step process of how one should approach free agency, and how Mr. Curtis approached it instead:

Step 1:  Make sure you and your agent are on the same page.

- According to Jim Thomas of St. Louis Today, Kevin informed his agent, Tom Condon, that his preferences included, “playing for a playoff contender — preferably in a warm-weather city — and being a starter.”

The first two teams Condon scheduled for Curtis to visit?  Minnesota and Detroit.  Sure, both teams offered a chance to start, but to contend & get a tan?  The answers are hell, and no.

Which leads to Step 2:

Never, ever fire your agent in the middle of free agency.

- Which is exactly what Kevin did.  The double-jeopardy of this move being that, according to NFLPA rules, a player has to wait five days before hiring a new agent.  That means five days during the peak of free agency spent on the couch, watching other receivers like Drew Bennett and even Bobby Wade (yes, Bobby Wade) sign big contracts.  It also means watching teams like the Patriots sign, well, every other wide receiver.

But after finally signing Bruce and Ryan Tollner as his new agents, Kevin was up & ready to finish his free agent visits with no other distractions, right?  I mean…

Step 3:  Do not let outside events distract you during your free agency period.  Be sure to schedule other non-essential tasks for other times.

- Well, according to the Nashville City Paper, Kevin whiffed on this one too:

The Tennessee Titans’ negotiations with free agent receiver Kevin Curtis apparently took a back seat to civic responsibilities on Wednesday.  Curtis was back home in Salt Lake City, apparently serving jury duty, but was likely to talk to Coach Jeff Fisher, who is attending the NFL competition committee meetings, at some point on Wednesday evening.

Seriously, who can’t get out of jury duty, or at least reschedule it?  Even if you make the argument that he might have had to reschedule earlier due to the NFL season, wouldn’t you then go into free agency thinking, ‘ok, I’ve got two weeks before that court date - I just need to make sure I get a contract signed before then’.  Surely he could have talked with a Bengal for advice in this area?

Then there’s the final bugaboo -

Step 4:  Do not take so long to decide that potential suitors publicly lose interest.

Which brings us to this charming press release by the Detroit Lions yesterday, care of Mlive:

The Detroit Lions have grown weary of the indecision by free-agent wide receiver Kevin Curtis and are no longer pursuing him.

According to sources close to the situation, the Lions are fed up with the fact that Curtis can’t seem to make a decision. Head coach Rod Marinelli wants to sign free agents who want to play for the Lions, not players who are willing to settle on Detroit.

That’s right - Matt Millen & company just told Curtis they no longer want him to play for their fine franchise.  I don’t think this could get any worse for Kevin…

Amazingly enough, there’s a good chance Curtis is still going to get a decent sized deal from one of his remaining suitors (Tennessee and Philadelphia chief among them).  However, it’s nearly impossible to think that Kevin hasn’t left some money on the table due to his indecision.  Once the premier players at a position sign a deal, the numbers only go down from there.

All I know is, if SI or ESPN come calling, I’ve got my bags packed, my porn on my hard-drive, and I’m ready to go out the door with one phone call! (That’s right guys, one call…you betcha. Bet they’re picking that thing up right now, as we speak…any minute now…)

Note: Of course, just after finishing this column, it was announced that Kevin signed a jaw-dropping 6-year, $32 million dollar contact with the Eagles. Turns out free agency approach #2 was still available as the Eagles, Titans and Vikings got involved in a bidding war for Curtis. Whatever. He still butchered the whole process, and was lucky that the Eagles have screwed up free-agency even worse than he has. Their fans were screaming for a decent signing after the Stallworth debacle. They’ll have to settle with this…good luck, guys…

Kevin Curtis, free agent, Detroit Lions, agent, fired, delay