Talking NFL

Pop-quiz, hot shot: let’s say you just won your very own McDonald’s Franchise (and yes, that means all the free French fries you can eat). The first thing you need to do is hire yourself a general manager; someone who will be responsible for all the day-to-day operations at the restaurant. Keeping in mind that the caliber of the individual you hire could make or break your business, how would you find yourself a GM?

A) Try raiding a successful competing franchise (Burger King, Wendy’s) of their GM, offering more money or benefits to work for you.

C) Hire some dude who spent 12 years working the fry-o-later, and then worked for some website who commented on how they thought McDonald’s was doing as a business, but has absolutely ZERO management experience. None. But he bought you a drink once, and you thought he was a fun guy to hang out with.

Now, regardless of your own level of management experience, you’re probably thinking that either A or B sound like decent options, and C looks like a bad idea. Well done. But let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, you are none too bright, and chose option C (please don’t take it personally, I’m sure you’ve really quite smart). Now let’s also say that you hire this clown, say, “congrats, now go to work”, and then take off for Tahiti for the next 6 years. When you return from your trip, you find your beloved McDonalds on fire, the employees grilling squirrels, raccoons, (among other forms of road kill), and customers running out screaming, “this is the WORST McDonalds I have ever seen!!” At THIS point, you would probably decide it’s time for a new General Manager, correct? And you would THINK that the owner of a football franchise in the National Football League, especially one with a lifetime of business experience, would draw the same conclusion after a similar experience, right? Well, my friend, you would be wrong.

Back in 2001, Mr. William Clay Ford, Sr, owner of the Detroit Lions (and, ironically enough, the son of Edsel Ford), went for option C when he hired Matt Millen as President and General Manager of the team. Prior to being hired, Millen spend 12 years in the NFL as a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, the San Francisco 49ers and the Washington Redskins. After retiring, Millen went to the broadcast booth, where he spent the next ten years working as a color commentator for first CBS, then FOX. It should be noted here, that Millen was considered as both an above average player and media commentator. However, this does not change the fact that he had no coaching or executive management background before being hired as the President of the Lions.

Six years later, Lions fans are still paying the price. In that time period, the Lions are 24-72, the worst record in the NFL in that six year period. And yesterday, Mr. Ford announced that Matt Millen would keep his job for the 2007 season.

Yes, I’m serious.

I’d rather not go through each individual disaster that has befallen the Lions during this Reign of Stupidity; but here are the lowlights from the ‘06 campaign:

- On Thanksgiving Day, former Lions quarterback Joey Harrington led the Miami Dolphins to a convincing 27-10 victory over his old team. Harrington, who had an average QB rating of 68.33 during his 4 years as a starter in Detroit, threw for 3 Touchdowns and finished the game with a 107.4 rating.

- Two weeks later, the Lions were stomped on by the Minnesota Vikings 30-20. Viking running back Artose Pinner had the best game of his career, rushing for 125 yards and 3 touchdowns. Meanwhile, the Lions were held to -3 yards rushing. Too bad they didn’t still have their former backup running back Artose Pinner, whom the Lions had cut 3 months earlier.

- In the last game of the season, the Lions pulled off their first road win of the year in Dallas, beating the playoff bound Cowboys 39-31. In doing so, they lost out on the #1 pick in the 2007 Draft, which now goes to the Raiders. (Yep, even when the Lions win, they lose)

If you would like to dig deeper into the depths that are the 21st century Bad News Bears (if you have the stomach for it), I would recommend either of the following sites: www.firemillen.com and www.firemillen.net. (Incidentally, I don’t know what’s more depressing - the fact that both URL’s were needed to fully display just how horrible this guy has been, or the fact that both websites have been up & running for over a YEAR). They’re also full of great pic’s like this one from the Vikings game:

You could also visit www.dearmrford.com, which offers fans a chance to sign an open letter to William Ford begging him to either fire Millen or sell the team. 28.6% of the people who have signed the letter promise that, if Ford sells the team, they will purchase a Ford automobile. Now that’s sacrifice. You could also do a web search on any of the following names: Marty Mornhinweg, Az-Zahir Hakim, Bill Schroeder, Kalimba Edwards, Damien Woody, Charles Rogers, Joey Harrington, Steve Mariucci, Joe Cullen (along with ‘naked’ and ‘Wendy’s’), Jon Kitna, 1957, and misery. Enjoy, and make sure you’re nowhere close to a sharp object while reading.

There comes a point with a story like this where, as a fan of a different team in the same league, I’ve passed the point of, “boy, I hope these guys are on our schedule next year!” I’ve passed the point of, “wow, this is just an amazing train wreck - how long will it last?” I am now officially at this point: “You know what? I’m not a Lions fan, but enough is enough - this guy needs to go…” The only other comparison I can make is the end of the movie Braveheart, when William Wallace is tortured and executed in front of an angry mob in London. Wallace has been put on the rack, emasculated, and disemboweled, but will not submit to the king. By now, even the crowd is yelling for mercy. The horror is just too much; it’s time to put the man out of his misery.

Well, as an NFL fan, I am pleading for mercy upon the similarly tortured Lions fans. Somebody needs to put Matt Millen out of his misery. The problem is, it looks like he’s going to last at least another year: Ford won’t fire him, and Millen has already stated he’s not going to quit. So what can the poor Lions fans do? Here are a few options:

1) Pray for Millen to be gone. To anyone. The football gods, Barry Sanders, Wayne Fontes, whoever. If you pick a dark lord of evil, try not to promise too much in return. Maybe just a week at your timeshare.

2) Start a new hobby for ‘07. Poetry, basket-weaving, maybe writing your own blog? Hell, try some S&M - it can’t be any more painful than watching this team….

3) Boycott the Lions completely. Really, this is the only realistic hope you’ve got at this point. Don’t buy any merchandise (except “Fire Millen” shirts, of course), don’t watch them on TV, and for the love of god, don’t buy any season tickets. Sucks, I know. But you have to figure this is the only way you’re going to get through to Willy at this point.

Whatever happens in 2007, know this Lions’ fans: NFL fans around the country feel your pain (don’t get me wrong; we want nothing to do with it, but we feel for you…).

Fire Millen, Detroit Lions, Worst General Manager, Why is Millen still with the Lions?, William Ford