Talking NFL

In order to prevent this from turning into a “this sucks, Peyton sucks, I suck for writing this” suckfest, I’ve enlisted the help of a couple of friends who, (a) are long-time SNL fans, and (b) have no pre-conceived feelings towards one Peyton Manning.  I’ve incorporated their comments into the review of each skit involving my all-time favorite player (along with my own thoughts of pure evil and hatred).  Let’s begin, shall we?

1) Monologue:  One word; safe.  Peyton has some fun with Patriot fans (hah), points out his family (ugh), and mentions he’s been in a few ads (duh).  The family introductions looked prerecorded, which would explain why somebody from the NY based audience didn’t pull a Brick Tamland & spear Eli through the heart with a trident.

So no belly laughs here. Then again, he didn’t wipe out on the stage a la Carmen Electra either, which is a shame.

(This despite the fact I paid an SNL member $1,000 to cover that first step in butter.  Thanks for nothing, Darrell Hammond.  Only one thing for you to do the entire show & you still screw it up…no wonder they keep you locked in a trunk these days…)

Grade:  C+

2) United Way Ad:  On Sunday, everyone was just gushing about how brilliant this one was. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not arguing that. In fact, I’m giving it an ‘A’.

But you know why this was in Peyton’s wheelhouse, right?.  Not because it was prerecorded, but because that’s exactly how he is on the football field.  No acting required.  In fact, I’m convinced there was no script for this skit - instead they gave Peyton a football, told him to play with some kids, and that the winning team would get a $5 million national ad campaign.  All it was missing was Lorne Michaels on the sideline muttering, “that was easy.”

Grade:  A

Note:  as good as it was, NBC might want to take a cold shower before posting it to their website with the caption; “Peyton Manning and the United Way. Instant Classic“.  

3) Bronx Ladies:  The Peyton Manning face makes it’s first 11 appearances of the evening.  Not sure if it was because he was acting, or trying to figure out how he got roped into such a horrendous skit.  Saw these 2 Bronx biatch characters once before (when Jake Gyllenhaal hosted), and it was the EXACT same dreadful stuff.  Nothing new.  Nothing Peyton could do either, except grimace, and that wasn’t fun to watch either.

Grade:  D

4) NCAA Pool Party:  Best skit of the night.  Why?  Because Peyton momentarily blanked.  (Skip to the 3:22 minute mark & watch him shake his head, stare vacantly, turn to the teleprompter, then realize he has a line:)  

And when did he blank?  Right after the “Arizona turned out to be the tournament’s Peyton Manning” comment.

That’s right.  Peyton Manning pulled a Peyton Manning on the ‘pulling a Peyton Manning’ bit.

Duuuuuude, that was F#$KING AWESOME, MAN!!!  I danced a jig after that one.  (One of my friends commented that it wasn’t a big deal, and overall the skit was pretty good.  Whatever. That kicked ass!)

Grade:  A+ for the Peyton Manning to the 3rd power incident

5) Penelope:  10 seconds in, you knew this one was going to blow.  The ‘one-upper’ that everyone knows, and everyone knew they were just going to beat that shtick into the ground with a jackhammer.  As my friend Pudge would say, I’d rather have a wild ferret gnaw on my nutsack than watch that again.  Peyton (yet again) is blameless for this disaster.  Dammit.

Grade:  F

6) Halftime Pep Talk:  Even worse, he’s good in this one.  Give him credit, he was not afraid to show his white man’s overbite and had some fun dancing like a goof.  Well played.  However, he did steal that “let’s get the f out of here” quitters speech from Rex Grossman during the Super Bowl, so points off for that.

Grade:  B

7) Maraka (TV funhouse cartoon):  Best stuff of the night, and Peyton wasn’t involved?  ”Mui Bueno!”

Every parent that suffers through Dora the Explorer certainly enjoyed this one. No question there was some drug used in the creative process here as well.  Fortunately, Scot Pollard approves.

Gatorade Commercial:  Looked like it was going to highlight the Gator’s national football title, then dork boy shows up with that smug ass look on his face holding the Lombardi trophy like a tool.  So much for all that good karma he built up til now. I’m in full-on hate mode again. Splendid.

Grade:  Bite me, Peyton

Musical interlude:  Carrie Underwood

Songs:  C-
Legs:  A++

“She had a full set of curves and the kind of legs you’d like to suck on for a day.”  You ain’t just singing cliched country songs there, Lt. Drebin…

(8) 300 Spoof:  We get it.  Just throw the f-ing rock all ready.  Manning doesn’t even bother with a costume or makeup on this one.  Weak.

Grade:  D- (saved from failing grade by dead guy in the back yelling, ‘just throw the rock!’)

9) Sunday Night Coffee Chat:  Not bad, considering it’s near the end of the night & involved the actress who was the brainchild behind Penelope.  Quote of the night from Peyton, “I hid a piece of ham in my pants this week, just to try something different.”  As they would have said on the original Coffee Talk, “Discuss amongst yourselves.”

Grade:  B+

10) Mercedes 500:   I want that car.  Not that particular one, since Peyton’s all ready sat (and shat) in it with no pants on.  Yes, they got Peyton to remove his trousers.  I’ll let the ladies comment on how his sticks compared to those of Tom Brady (although I think we all can guess how that’s going to play out…).

Grade: B-

Summary:  All in all, I have to admit, not a bad showing for the Super Bowl MVP.  The cast gave him some good stuff to work with at times, while in other moments showed us just how far SNL has fallen.  (It got so bad, at one point they panned to an audience member who appeared to have just eaten Dan Aykroyd.)

Combining all the grades (i.e. guessing), I come up with a solid B-, an 82.  Nice work, hill-billy boy.

Wait, forgot the minus 20 for being Peyton Manning:  62 (F+)

..and if you think that’s harsh, check out this review right from the great state of Indiana.  I completely agree; Tom Brady was much better…

“I hate that you didn’t completely screw up on SNL, Peyton.”

Peyton Manning, SNL, Review, pulling a Peyton Manning, United Way, Carrie Underwood, put, a, ham in my pants