Talking NFL

Now that the beloved Pro Bowl is over (and exactly when did they start playing that game on Saturday? I received no programming email regarding this…), the 2006 NFL season has officially come to a close. We now have nearly seven months to wait before the next meaningful pro football game.

That’s right…seven months…more than half-a-year…which means that NFL fans around the world today are reacting like Macaulay Culkin after he puts on the aftershave in Home Alone:

Welcome to Post Traumatic Football Season Disorder. Please take a number. The doctor will be with you shortly.

As great as pro football is, this is the dark time for us fans. Not only does the season come to an end in the dead of winter, but we have wayyyy too much time to think of what might have been with our teams, and too long to wait for the new season to begin. So what’s there for a football nut to do?

Me, I’m shutting it down - see you guys in September!

(Sorry…I kid because I love…)

In all seriousness, you could take Bluto’s advice:

Or you could listen to your friendly neighborhood NFL blogger. We’re both equally qualified.

Here’s my 6-step rehab program for dealing with PTFSD (which, if you try to say as one word, comes out like a silent but deadly fart):

Step 1: Breathe

It’s time to confront the problem head-on. Football isn’t coming back anytime soon, so you’re going to have to deal with it. Break out the paper bag, do some hyperventilating, and move on to Step 2. (By the way, I can’t remember if I got this advice from Dr. Phil or one of my numerous ex-girlfriends…either way, it works)

Step 2: Pursue a hobby

Your time commitment as a fan has just been drastically reduced. Time to do something that will better yourself as a person, as well as the community at large! Or at the very least, get your pasty white ass outside for a change.

Here’s an example straight from this site: last month, I wrote the article Motor City Moron, bashing Matt Millen and encouraging Lion fans everywhere to ban the team and pick up a hobby. I received a comment from reader Scott, thanking me for the sympathy, and telling me that I had inspired him to go out and create his own blog - a website dedicated to mosaics.

(That’s right - I helped turn a perfectly good NFL fan into a mosaics freak. No, I don’t know how I feel about that. In fact, I think this is a great time to move onto Step 3…)

Step 3: Watch another sport

True, pro football is the greatest game in North America, end of story. But you have to figure that the other pros are jealous and would like a bit more attention devoted to their games. So lets throw these lesser athletes a bone.

I’m an old school guy, so by other sports, I’m referring to the Big 3:

1) Hockey
Rumor has it this game played on ice with crooked sticks is still going on, and being broadcast on the Versus network (aka - the Artist Formerly Known as OLN). I believe you can find in conveniently located between the Oxygen channel and Skinemax 12. Enjoy.

2) Baseball
Can you say, “pitchers and catchers report to spring training this week?” I sure can! Tons of questions to be answered in the ‘07 MLB season. Can A-Rod pull a Peyton Manning and finally win the big one? Can Dice-K adjust to Fenway and major league hitters? Will Barry Bonds pass Hank Aaron’s home run record before his head explodes?

Fortunately for us, we have the very capable Anthony Amobi keeping track of things over at Fastball Fans. Check it out & tell Anthony the dink over at Talking NFL sent you.

3) Basketball
Likewise, hoops fans can get their fix over at 451’s Tip Off Talk, hosted by Paul Lambert. A word on Paul - he’s a sarcastic little sh$t like me, so I’m definitely a fan of his site. I’m even willing to overlook the fact that he ripped on the NFL and the Celtics in the same week. Obviously, he’s using the ‘let’s get some people angry & bring ‘em over to my site for a fight’ card. I for one, have played that game before with delightful results, so I refuse to take the bait. Besides, it’s true - the Celtics blow right now. But being dead last means they’re number 1 in the Greg Oden and Kevin Durant sweepstakes, so come on ‘(insert current Celtics opponent)’! Kick Boston’s ass!

Sadly, this strategy of pushing people’s buttons doesn’t seem to be working so far for Paul. Rush hour in Fargo, North Dakota currently gets more traffic than his site. So I’m willing to help a struggling brother out. However, it would make things more fun if Paul decided to, oh, I don’t know - mention what team he actually cheers for. To me, if you’re going to go out and ‘rub another man’s rhubarb’ (i.e. rip on his team), you best be able to take some shots as well, and this “currently lives out West in one of those square states” BS in his bio doesn’t cut the mustard. Has whatever pro, college or junior high team he waves the pom-poms for won anything in his lifetime? Or is he just too embarrassed to mention what state he usually parks his mobile home in? If so, as Paul himself would say, that’s just ‘yellow’. So Dr. Hoops, kindly pick a team, bribe some of your friends to go visit your website, and let’s dance, Frenchie. I’ll be waiting for you in the playground with a rake handle.

(That’s right; my new hobby for the off-season? Blog on Blog Violence! It’s Faaaaaantastic!)

And since I’ve gone off on another 500-word tangent, I’ll post Steps 4, 5, and 6 of my off-season recovery program on Tuesday. Until then, have a brew with Bluto, kids!