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Tale of the Tape

by Brian

In the red corner…

tank-johnson.jpg

Tank Johnson

Age: 25

Waist: 42 in.

Hair Style: Formerly cornrows, now buzz cut

Favorite food: Slim Jims (LOTS of Slim Jims)

Hobby: Shooting pistols

Strengths: Treating opposing centers like accordians

Vices: Unregistered firearms, skiping town while on parole

Punishment for vices: 2 month jail term, 8 game suspension

Moment of Zen:

“I think it’s an opportunity for me to move forward. It’s not my call to say whether it’s fair or unfair. But Roger Goodell’s a fair man; I know that. He took everything into consideration that he and I talked about, and what he came up with is what he came up with it. If it’s in the best interest of the NFL, then I’m all for it, too.”

——————————————————

In the blue corner…

old_school_one.jpg

Frank the Tank

Age: 32

Waist: 37 in.

Hair Style: Dan Shaughnessy special

1116358947_2206.jpg

Favorite food: Frozen yogurt, funnels

Hobby: Shooting himself in the jugular with a tranquilizer gun

Strengths: Debate

Vices: Partying with freshmen, streaking

Punishment for vices: Ari’s wife filed for divorce

Moment of Zen:

“Deep down, I am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”

Advantage? Frank the Tank by the lips…

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Posted in General on June 5th, 2007

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