Tale of the Tape
In the red corner…
Tank Johnson
Age: 25
Waist: 42 in.
Hair Style: Formerly cornrows, now buzz cut
Favorite food: Slim Jims (LOTS of Slim Jims)
Hobby: Shooting pistols
Strengths: Treating opposing centers like accordians
Vices: Unregistered firearms, skiping town while on parole
Punishment for vices: 2 month jail term, 8 game suspension
Moment of Zen:
“I think it’s an opportunity for me to move forward. It’s not my call to say whether it’s fair or unfair. But Roger Goodell’s a fair man; I know that. He took everything into consideration that he and I talked about, and what he came up with is what he came up with it. If it’s in the best interest of the NFL, then I’m all for it, too.”
——————————————————
In the blue corner…
Frank the Tank
Age: 32
Waist: 37 in.
Hair Style: Dan Shaughnessy special
Favorite food: Frozen yogurt, funnels
Hobby: Shooting himself in the jugular with a tranquilizer gun
Strengths: Debate
Vices: Partying with freshmen, streaking
Punishment for vices: Ari’s wife filed for divorce
Moment of Zen:
“Deep down, I am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you’re supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don’t feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling… what? I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?”
Advantage? Frank the Tank by the lips…
Tank Johnson, Chicago Bears, NFL, suspension, Roger Goodell, NFC Central running backs are going streaking!
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