Talking NFL

Yesterday, Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin held an emergency team meeting to prepare his players for their upcoming game against the undefeated New England Patriots. Talking NFL was lucky enough to come across some of the Patriots old tape recording equipment that was still in the Heinz Field locker room. Here now is a transcript of what took place at that meeting:

Coach Tomlin: “Listen up, everyone! (pause) First off, nice work handling Cincinnati this week. That was a big divisional game, and we took care of business in our house.”

(muffled cheers in background)

Coach Tomlin: “But we gotta put that behind us now! We all know what we’ve got to deal with this week…the best team in the league, the undefeated Patriots, on their field. Now I’m telling you right now that we match up with those guys better than anyone else, and we’ve got as good a chance as anyone to take ‘em out!”

(bigger cheers in background)

Coach Tomlin: “Now all I need from you guys this week is two things! Just two! You bust your butts in practice, and whatever you do…do NOT say ANYTHING bad this week! You understand me?”

(pause)

Willie Parker: “You mean like (explicative deleted), (explicative deleted), or (explicative deleted)?”

Coach Tomlin: “NO! I mean about the Patriots!! Do not give them ANY bulletin board material this week, you understand me?!”

Team: “Yes sir!”

Coach Tomlin: “Everybody’s been talking smack about the Pats this year! Everybody! Players, coaches, journalists, washed up cranky old guys, everybody! What morons! You know what they do after somebody talks smack about them? They rip their throats out! Hell, it happened to us before! Hines, you were there - how did that work out in the ‘01 AFC Championship game?”

Hines Ward: “Terrible, sir! The worst football loss in my life!”

(pause)

Coach Tomlin: “So why are you smiling?”

Hines Ward: “I always look like this.”

Coach Tomlin: “Whatever. The point is, do not say anything dumb! Do not insult them in anyway! Understand? Yes, question?”

James Farrior: “So I can’t get miked-up like I did for the ‘04 AFC Championship Game and just start yapping at them for NFL Films? Because that was fun! Well, until we started getting killed. Then it sucked. (under breath) Man, that was a bad idea…”

Coach Tomlin: “Absolutely not! Ugh. Look, if the media starts asking you questions, just start talking like the parents in those Peanuts cartoons.”

Troy Polamalu: “Hey, did Charlie Brown ever get with that little red-haired girl-”

Coach Tomlin: “No more questions! Just don’t say anything dumb for the next few days, that’s all I’m asking!! It’s not that hard! Is everyone with me? Does everyone-”

(pause)

Coach Tomlin: “Where’s Anthony Smith at?”

Ike Taylor: “Oh, he’s talking with some dude from the AP at his locker. Why?”

Coach Tomlin: “@#$^&%*!!”

(Tomlin sprints towards the locker room)

Alan Faneca: “Hey, you just said not to say anything dumb!”

Casey Hampton: “Dude, you think Tony just screwed up?”

Coach Tomlin: (from the locker room)
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

Ben Roethlisberger: “Who cares. You heard coach, we just can’t SAY anything dumb. I’m getting out of here & buying a new Harley.”

NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, bulletin board, poke the bear, Anthony Smith, DB guarantees win vs Pats, best headline ever