The Cheers Remake (a.k.a. “Norv!”)
Cast
LaDanian Tomlinson……….Carla Tortelli
Phillip Rivers……….Diane Chambers
A.J. Smith……….Dr. Frasier Crane
Ted Cottrell……….Cliff Clavin
Norv Turner……….Norm Peterson
Woody Harrelson……….Woody Boyd (hey, he’s available)
Scene: Chargers HQ (conveniently, there’s a bar)
——————————————————-
Philip Rivers: ”Yes, coach wants to see me after yesterday’s game, but I’m not worried. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.”
L.T.: ”He wants you to wear a padded bra?”
Philip Rivers: ”Listen, you media whore-”
(Norv Turner enters)
Norv: ”Afternoon, everybody.”
Everyone: ”NORV!”
Woody: ”What would you like, Norv?”
Norv: ”A reason to live. Keep them coming.”
(audience laughs - Woody pours Norv a beer)
Ted Cottrell: “So, ah, Norv. I think I’ve, ah, figured out a way to solve our problems on defense.”
Norv: ”You mean the 99 points we’ve given up in the last 3 weeks?”
Ted: ”Ah…yeah.”
Norv: ”What makes you think that’s a problem?”
(audience laughs - Norv downs his beer)
A.J. Smith: ”Well, Norv, I can certainly appreciate your efforts to bring humor to our current situation, but in all candor, I must confess to be a tad disappointed with our team’s performance to date-”
L.T.: ”What Mr. Wonderful is eloquently trying to say is that you suck, Norv.”
Norv: ”Uh, oh. This sounds serious. You know what serious times call for, right Woody?”
Woody: ”…hookers and cake?”
Norv: ”Just pour me another beer there, Einstein.”
(audience laughs - Woody pours Norv a beer)
A.J. Smith: (angry) “Look, Norv, I am getting KILLED in the public forums right now. And you’re not doing so well yourself. The entire city is calling for your head.”
Norv: ”Head? Say, that reminds me…”
(Norv downs his beer - audience laughs)
Woody: ”Another beer, Norv?”
Norv: ”Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”
(audience laughs - Woody pours Norv a beer)
Philip Rivers: ”Yeah, what’s up with this 1-3 crap, Mr. Offensive GURU? Right now, you’re like the sorriest coach in the league.”
L.T.: ”Oh, but you look like the 2nd coming of Joe Namath. Minus the arm strength, accuracy, and ability to pick up women.”
Philip: ”You b!tch!”
Norv: ”Ladies, please! You’re making my beer staler than the first 15 offensive plays I script every week…”
(audience laughs)
A.J. Smith: (losing it) “This whole situation is utterly unacceptable! What do you all have to say for yourselves?!”
Ted Cottrell: (hanging his head) “What a pathetic display. I’m ashamed God made me a man.”
L.T.: ”I don’t think God’s doing a lot of bragging either.”
Philip Rivers: ”I curse the day I ever signed with this team!”
L.T.: ”Then it’s unanimous.”
(pause)
A.J. Smith: ”Well, Norv? Do you have anything of value to add?”
Norv: (looking up from his beer) “What the hell do you want me to say? Hey, you’re the one who hired a guy with a 58-82-1 record. Look, I’m a simple guy - I can drink beer, crack jokes, and be an offensive coordinator. But I can’t coach worth a lick. Yet for some reason, geniuses like you keep hiring me. What am I supposed to do? Say no to a promotion? I don’t think so. So I’ll keep mucking up the works and cashing those checks until you get yourself a clue.”
A.J. Smith: (ready to blow) ”THAT’S ALL? That’s all you have to say for yourself?!?!”
Norv: ”OK, how about this: Women. You can’t live with ‘em. Pass the beernuts.”
(audience laughs, Norv drinks his beer, San Diego burns in the background)
several quotes from Cheers were used in this article
Cheers, NFL, San Diego Chargers, Norv Turner, A.J. Smith, I hear Marty’s available, some posts write themselves
October 1st, 2007 at 5:32 pm
The moment they hired Norv! it was all over. I told Jaime the same thing.
October 18th, 2007 at 5:02 am
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