The “NFL Power Rankings Suck” Power Rankings (Week 2, Part 1)
Ah, power rankings. An opportunity for every self-absorbed, smarmy sports writer, blogger, and bored teenager to proclaim how all teams should be ranked from 1-32, with clever little bits of analysis on each team. Only 2 minor problems with these rankings: (1) They’re destined to be entirely different one week from now, and (2) they are completely, stupendously, and utterly meaningless. Otherwise, awesome idea!
I claimed in my inaugural post that I would much rather just come out and say, “wow, the Steelers look awesome, and man do the Falcons suck.” But since there’s about 2,436 of these tedious freaking power stanks out there, why not put a completely BS one together myself? Hey, 95% of this entire site is BS anyways, why stop now?
So here you go; a farcical first (and probably last) Talking NFL Power Ranking Column:
(1) Denver Broncos (2-0). Seriously, anyone can blow out a lesser team; I want to see a team handle PRESSURE! Running onto the field with seconds left to boot the game winner and an OT victory back-to-back? Done and done.
Besides, some people are calling Mike Shanahan’s time-out just before the Raiders field goal attempt bad sportsmanship. As a Patriots fan, I admire that. Cheaters unite!
(2) San Francisco 49ers (2-0). 2 close wins, just in the weaker conference. Therefore, the 49ers are the 2nd best team in the league.
And spare me your comments of incredulity. In fact, let me save you the trouble:
Commenter Flacido Domingo: The 49ers at #2??? WTF?! They should be 0-2!!
Me: But they’re not. They’re 2-0. Now go away often.
EGO ALERT! Will you look at that! The same two teams that will play in Super Bowl XLII (according to my brilliant preseason predictions) are 1-2 in my power poll! Obviously, I am the greatest sports blogger in the history of mankind! Please excuse me whilst I perform fellatio upon myself:
….
And we’re back!
(3) Indianapolis Colts (2-0). I gotta admit, those catchy Peyton Manning ads are finally starting to grow on me. Like an infected boil on my scrotum.
(4) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0). Would’ve had ‘em higher were it not for those throw-upback uni’s:
And don’t forget their mascot, Steely McDouchey! Har Har!
(5) Dallas Cowboys (2-0). I care not of their wins over 2 poop-tastic foes. I care of Romo’s lady friend, one Carrie Underwood:
Although she needs to dress in a more slutty sexy fashion. Let’s get her some help:
(6) Raiderette Nicole M.
That’s better! Too bad her team sucks…
(7) Harpoon I.P.A.
I know Harpoon I.P.A. Harpoon I.P.A. is a good friend of mine. You, Sierra Nevada, are no Harpoon I.P.A. (Too bad they don’t have it in California. God I miss it so!)
(8) Cheddar Cheese
Cheddar is the Adalius Thomas of cheeses. American is the Joey Harrington. Nuff said.
…wait, what the hell was I doing? Oh, sh!t, this is an NFL power poll, isn’t it? Kids, drinking and blogging do NOT mix! I’m gonna go tap a nap & finish this thing off tomorrow (I’m sure you’re breathless with anticipation at this point)…
NFL, Power Rankings Suck, Denver Broncos, San Francisco 49ers, going to the Super Bowl, probably not
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