Talking NFL

All right, back to it:

(9) Detroit Lions (2-0).  Jon Kitna apparently has been touched by “the hand of God.”  According to the Official Talking NFL PowerMatic 5000, a deity healing your injuries bumps you up exactly 4 spots.

(10)-(12) Texans, Packers, and Redskins.  They’re all a surprising 2-0, so let’s put together in a 3 way tie for 10th.  Feel the love!

(and, no, we’re not putting a 1-1 team in front of these guys.  That’s another thing I can’t stand about Power Rankings.  Like the Tuna said, “you are what you are.”  Unless a team and/or coaching staff is astoundingly good or bad, you stay with what the record is.  Actually, hold that thought…)

(13)-(24) All the 1-1 teams. (Except for the Chargers)

(25)  Oakland Raiders (0-2).

(26)  San Diego Chargers (1-1).  Did I do that just to piss these guys off?  Guilty as charged!

(27)  Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins (0-2).  Grouped together to get the numbers back on track.  All bad, but not as bad as…

(27)  Kansas City Chiefs  (0-2).  Let the Herm Edwards watch begin.

(28)  New York Giants   (0-2).  Let the Tom Coughlin watch
begin continue.

(29)  New Orleans Saints  (0-2).  America’s team needs to get it in gear.

(30)  Atlanta Falcons  (0-2).  I’m still a fan of Bill Simmons, but if he’s going to pick these guys as his surprise sleeper team, then he might as well go for broke & pick Britney Spears as Comeback Artist of the Year and President Bush as Executive of the Year.

(31)  Chlamydia.

(32)  New York Jets (0-2).  Suck it, ManJudas!

(4,657,890)  Orenthal James Simpson.

(DEAD LAST)  New England Patriots *(2-0)*.

Yeah, that’s right - DEAD LAST!  Those candy @sses haven’t shown me a damn thing!  76-28 in their first 2 games.  Pffft.  Cheater!  Cheater!  Pumpkin Eater!  Bet they cheated Sunday night.  I don’t care how far up their butts those NBC Cameras were.  Belichick has those Jedi mind powers like Jabba the Hut.  Plus he can see through walls & change shapes at will.  Sooooo not fair!

See how I put asterisks around their record?  That implies the record was not earned justly and fairly.  Oh yeah - I so went there!  And f you NY Post, I have a patent pending on the DOUBLE asterisk.  I figure that way you can imagine they’re a pair of boobs when you look at ‘em.  

Don’t believe any of that garbage Tedy Bruschi, Roosevelt Colvin or Tom Brady were spouting after them game for a second.  They’re all liars and thieves, I tell you!  The New England Patriots are a collective bunch of fraud losers, and I refuse to move them from DEAD LAST until I see some conclusive evidence that they deserve to be number one!  (Like, say, a 4th Lombardi trophy.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to print this thing out in Courier 72 font and FedEx 100 copies over to Gillette Stadium; Attn: Coach Belichick, Rodney Harrison, and the rest of the cheating losers called the New England Patriots.  After that, I intend to kick back, relax and watch my boys beat the Bills 138-0.

Power Rankings, New England Patriots stink, no respect, wish I had thought of this back in January, I am Spicoli