Talking NFL

Tomorrow, the turkey day football festivities will begin where they always do - in the Motor City.  On paper, it appears we may actually have a game this year, when the 9-1 Packers take on the 6-4 Lions.  Let’s hope the Lions can keep this one close, as opposed to the last three years where they’ve lost on Thanksgiving by a combined score of 95-26.

Last year’s 27-10 loss to the Dolphins was made particularly embarrassing by the return of prodigal son Joey Harrington, who scorched his ex-team for three touchdown passes.  (Too bad the Lions aren’t playing against THIS year’s version of the Phins…)

Two years ago as I watched Michael Vick take his turn abusing the Lions defense (whoops, bad word choice there, me thinks…), I wrote the following article for my fantasy league.  I called for an end to this ridiculous tradition of having the Lions host the Thanksgiving game, and nominated a team to replace them; one with a much more storied winning tradition.  

Now while Detroit does have a winning record so far this year (in fact they’re right on pace for a 9-7 finish, just as I predicted!), you could argue that they’re the worst team with a winning record in the league.  They’ve beat up on some awful clubs, like the Raiders, Bears (twice), and Vikings.  And the Washington Redskins team that smoked them 34-3 then lost to the Patriots 52-7.  You do the math.

So I think the argument behind this article still holds true, and that’s why I’m sharing it with you today (with a few updates) on this Thanksgiving Eve.  Let’s hope tomorrow’s contest isn’t over before the stuffing’s ready.  Enjoy.

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Thanksgiving Day! A time when you can always count on getting together with weird family members, gorging on turkey and stuffing until you pass out, and watching the Detroit Lions lose by 30. As I sit here now, the Falcons are putting a 24-0 beatdown on them, Steve Mariucci is busy working on his resume on the sidelines, and the greatest cheer from the fans came when Joey Harrington was benched in the first half. Hey, at least they can give Grandma a call on the cell phone now & tell her to fire up the oven early.

Then again, they must be used to it at this point. The Lions have now lost 4 of the last 5 Turkey Day games, during which time they’re cumulative record is 19-56. It’s gotten to the point where the league seems to have decided; you know what? Since they’re going to lose anyways, why not have the best teams and players beat the crap out of them on national TV? The Patriots won against them after their first super bowl season in ’02, Manning torched them for 5 TD passes last year, and right now Vick looks like the second coming of ‘Sugar Ray’ Collins Fran Tarkenton.

During the debacle, my father & I had this exchange:

Me: “How long have the Lions been playing on Thanksgiving Day?�
Dad: “Oh, wow. Since I was a kid.� (actually, even earlier than that – since 1934)
Me: “Any idea why?�
Dad: (Pause) “Nope. It’s tradition.â€?
Me: “Doesn’t seem to be a good one.�
Dad: “Well, they deserve to lose.�
Me: “…why?�
Dad: “They play indoors on an artificial field on Thanksgiving Day. That’s just wrong. They’re being punished for it.�
Me: “Oh. Right.�

Don’t know if the Lions deserve that kind of karma, but I don’t think their fans do. How much of an appetite would you have if each Thanksgiving Day you watched your favorite team get walloped right before cocktails? Each year, the Lions play the early game, and the Cowboys play the late one. (Update: now there’s a third game on the NFL Network at 8 p.m. EST that 90% of the country can’t see on regular cable.  Those that have the channel are most likely in a food coma by that time anyways, so let’s not even count that game…)

You can logically argue that Dallas belongs there – a team that’s rich in tradition, has five Super Bowl titles, is always competitive, and has smoking hot cheerleaders. Detroit has…what?  Barry Sanders, Slim Shady and…uh, made a ton of shitty cars? Which begs the question; isn’t it time to put this tradition to bed? The country isn’t enjoying this, Detroit certainly isn’t; it’s time for a new team to host this annual game.

So who should it be? Well, for starters, we should probably eliminate all the west coast teams. A 9:30am kick-off is probably a tad early for people to be tailgating with beer and turkey legs. It’s also probably a good idea to get rid of the real warm weather teams like Arizona, Tampa Bay and Miami – doesn’t really fit the holiday (the cheerleaders would be scantily clad, but we’ve already agreed that Dallas has the advantage in that area).

So what about the obvious choice – the Patriots? Makes sense, right? Home of the original Thanksgiving party, not to mention the NFL’s new dynasty. It’s seems like the perfect fit. One big problem, though – huge pain in the ass for all New Englanders. Hey, we’re stubborn & resistant to change by nature, now you want us to alter all the big high-school games and family plans to accommodate our beloved Pats? There would be massive upheaval, divorce rates would skyrocket, not to mention the regions collective weight from the dual tailgating/turkey dinner angle. Besides, you know what? Screw the NFL – they need us more than we need them right now. Leave our team of destiny alone.

So what we basically need from the remaining candidates are the following credentials:

- Cold weather team
- Hard-core football town
- Winning/competitive history
- Easy to alter Turkey day habits

The Green Bay Packers are a finalist, but they’ve already got the whole cheese head thing going – so you just can’t associate them with a different food group.  Same with the Philadelphia Eagles and cheese steaks.

Can’t go with the Jets - Mangini would eat a whole Turducken before the start of the 2nd quarter (besides, Jets fans all ready have their own unique tradition at home games). The N.Y. Giants are my runner-up, but the presence of one Eli Manning, sibling to He Whom I Cannot Stand, takes them out of the running.  Petty, I know.  Sorry.

Which means the perfect team to take over the early Thanksgiving Day game is:

The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Think about it – the Steel city, home of loyal, slightly crazy Steeler fans; a rich history with the 70’s dynasty, the natural rivalry against the Cowboys, making them the obvious ying to their yang, the Terrible Towel (what better way to wipe up that spilt cranberry sauce?), and an overall record of 156-93-1 over the last 15+ years. Combine that with their recent Super Bowl victory, and you have the perfect team to take over the Thanksgiving Day tradition.  True, they also have a deep tradition of high school football games, but in a city as passionate about their team as Pittsburgh, they’d adjust most capably.

So let’s make it happen, Commisar Goodell, before we have to sit through the Lions vs Jaguars disaster of 2008.

Hope everyone has a safe & happy Turkey Day!

NFL, Thanksgiving, Detroit Lions, dumb traditions, Pittsburgh Steelers, New England Patriots, Turducken, boom!