Talking NFL

Hello, ladies!  Gisele, before you call the police, let me just say that I did get the court order yesterday.  I don’t know what happened to the other 14 you sent, but the message has been received, loud and clear.  500 yards - no problemo. That’s why I bought a telescope.

Anyways, I believe some congrats are in order for Ms. Moynahan!  Glad to see you passed that sperm whale gave birth to a healthy baby Brady this week.  And a boy, no less!  Rumor has it Scott Pioli has all ready signed Touchdown Jesus Junior to a $140 million dollar contract that locks him up from 2028-2035.

As for you Gisele, well I was very upset to hear that you left Victoria’s Secret.  Then again, I certainly don’t blame you.  Imagine only getting paid $5 million a year to run around in your underwear - I mean really!

Well, enough chit-chat.  Ladies, you are receiving this memo on behalf of Patriots fans everywhere.  As you probably could care less about know, the football season is nearly upon us.  Which means it’s time for Tom Terrific to start making the donuts.

More importantly, it’s time for you crazy b!tches to leave him the f alone.

I’m not joking here; this is completely serious.  You’re both high profile, high income female celebrities.  Which means you’re also both high maintenance and highly freaking insane.  And we’re terrified that you’re starting to mess with our wonderboy QB’s head.

I don’t want to hear about any more crap like this happening again until February 5th, 2008.  You got me, you nutjobs?

Here, for your convenience, I’ve even put together a list of what is and is not acceptable correspondence/contact with #12 for the next 5 1/2 months:

Allowed:

- Supportive text messages regarding the upcoming game no longer than 20 characters (ex. “Good luck, Tomy!  UR #1!”)
- Phone conversations on Tuesday or Wednesday of 10 minutes or less between 9am - 5pm EST
- One date per month, but the conversation must include a comprehensive quiz about the team defense the Patriots are facing that Sunday.

NOT Allowed:

- Angry late night calls asking for an explanation why he “knocked up that no-talent b!tch”, or “choose DiCaprio’s sloppy 2nds over you.”
- Psycho emails/text messages/letters/smoke signals of any kind
- Sex (WOMEN WEAKEN LEGS, and we don’t want another mid-season rugrat drama unfolding)
- Any baby time (seriously, is Brady lactating?  No, so what the hell good is he to a newborn?  Keep that pooping machine away from him…)

Again, this is COMPLETELY SERIOUS.  The Patriots are poised for their 4th title in 7 years, and NFL immortality.  You 2 are the hideous sirens on the rocks wailing incessant cries of, “pay attention to ME!” until Brady heads right for you and inadvertently turns the HMS Patriot into the Titanic sequel.

Think I sound paranoid?  Look, New Englanders have been here before, man.  We know exactly what can happen when a promising young man gets seduced by a wildly overrated celebrity…

More importantly (and blasphemous), some of us Pats fans are quietly realizing that lately, Tommy Terrific has been, well, less than terrific.  Consider:

- Against Denver in the ‘05 playoffs, Tom threw a simply terrible red zone interception to Champ Bailey, who ran it back to the Patriots 1 yard line.  Brady was left blameless because fans were too busy complaining about the refs (that, and because he’s Tom Brady).

- Against the Chargers in last season’s divisional round, Tom threw 3 INT’s, one of which should have cost them the game.  Fortunately, the multi-talented Troy Brown stripped the ball from Marlon McCree, the Patriots got another chance, and Brady’s mishaps were forgotten.

- Finally, against the Colts in the AFC Championship game, with the Pats up by 4 and only 2:30 left to play, Brady had a chance to wrap up the game on a 3rd and 4.  But he failed to connect with Troy Brown.  After Indy took the lead, Brady threw an INT to Marlin Jackson to end the game.

Look, I still have a man-crush on Tommy, but these are the facts, and they are indisputable.  So what’s wrong with Brady?  Well, you could blame it on Charlie Weis leaving the Pats, you could say he’s not really that good (but then I’d have to kill you), or you could say that these 2 harpies from hell are distracting the crap out of him.  I’m going with option 3 - I mean, look at them!

I know I’m distracted right now!  I got a 640 on my Verbal SAT, hold a college degree, and have a rather extensive vocabulary, but right now all I can write is…BOOBIES!!  BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOOOOOBIES!  Imagine how much this must mess with Brady’s attention span when he’s trying to focus on the Jets 3-4 defense - I’m amazed we made the playoffs last year at all!

Well, ladies, I hope you enjoyed your time with Dreamboat in the off-season.  Because those romantic trips to Napa Valley and Daddy visits to Santa Monica are over effective today.  Daddy’s got a brand new bag, and he’s bringing home a brand new trophy.

You want to support him?  Do what we do; cheer him on from the stands.

Thank you for your attention.

Tom Brady, Bridget Moynahan, Gisele Bundchen, yes this was a completely serious post, New England Patriots fans, utterly nuts