Talking NFL

PLEASE, Boomer.  Don’t do it.  We’re begging you.

Earlier this week, I exchanged an article with Awful Announcing entitled, Chris Berman: The Beginning.  It was an attempt to explain the unbelievably maddening habit the ESPN veteran has of giving away an NFL draft pick’s identity just before the official announcement.  I’m not sure what’s worse; the fact that he does it, or the fact that we’ve been putting up with it since the “Miracle on Ice”.

Well, this weekend we have a royal bevy of high tension drama brewing in the first round:  Will the Raiders go with JaMarcus Russell (or will Al Davis keel over before he hands in the selection)?  Will the Lions take Calvin Johnson second (and if so, how quickly does Detroit turn into Rome, circa 64 AD)?  What team will get screwed with select Brady Quinn?  And how will the Texans chose to torment their fans this year?  These are but a few of the myriad of questions to be answered upon draft day; it makes the mysteries in Lost look like something out of a 2nd grade Christmas play.

Tomorrow, you’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife.  That is, right up until Berman cuts the cheese and stinks up Radio City Music Hall by giving the whole damn thing away.  

For those of you lucky enough to have the NFL Network, we send many blessings your way; perhaps you have some extra room on your couch?  Because sadly, many of us will be forced to watch the 20 CareerBuilder monkeys media experts on ESPN.  Don’t worry, we’re taking the news in stride (go suck my ass, Time Warner Cable).

So again, we motherf#@king order kindly ask the Swami; less of the predictions, more of the natural drama, if you please.  

We’re more than willing to make concessions.  You can keep your home run derby and your HR calls that sound like horse orgasms.  You can keep the NFL Blitz and all your delightful little nicknames.  Hell, you can even have rounds 2-7 of the draft (giving away Mr. Irrelevant will piss off nary a soul).  But please, we IMPLORE you, give us the purity of the first round untainted by your egomaniacal need to always have the last word.  Treat it instead as a time of quiet inflection to find self-worth and a better understanding of the meaning of life.  

Or better yet, research some new pick-up lines, so the blogosphere can continue ripping on you for years to come.

Gracias. (”Whoooooop!”)

NFL Draft, ESPN, Chris Berman, stop ruining the draft, s’il vous plaît